"... Me and all my friends, we're all misunderstood..."

she is loving being 19.

i love having the world at my feet
i love being able to say stupid things and not care what people think

i love acting silly 

of smiling or laughing without reason.

:)

i look forward for the 'could-be's becoming 'will-be's
what can't i achieve?
anticipation.
with all that's happened this year

i cannot wait to see what more He has in store for me. for us.
I may not like what comes my way.
But I've given him the wheel.
and I'm looking forward to the ride
:)

i love being young.

my whole life ahead of me.

i wonder though,
what's in store for the next 12 months?
12 years?
argh.
Why do I suddenly feel like I'm running out of time?

Why is it already the end of the year?!

and yet, right now I'm taking a backseat.
let tomorrow worry for itself.

there's so much more to learn, so much more to understand.
next year, a year of more growing. in patience, in love, in everything!

more of him and less of me.

19.

i am loving it.

"..One scarred hand to the other.."

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son..

There is one word that describes the night he came - ordinary.

The sky was ordinary. An occasional gust stirred the leaves and chilled the air. The stars were diamonds sparkling on black velvet.

The sheep was ordinary. Some fat. Some scrawny. Common animals. No history makers. No blue-ribbon winners.

And the shepherds. Peasants they were. Smelling like sheep and looking just as woolly?

An ordinary night with ordinary sheep and ordinary shepherds. And were it not for a God who loves to hook an "extra" on the front of the ordinary, the night would have gone unnoticed. The sheep would have been forgotten and the shepherds would have slept the night away.

But God dances amidst the common! 

And that night he did a waltz.

The black sky exploded with brightness. Trees that had been shadows jumped into clarity. Sheep that had been silent became a chorus of curiosity. One minute the shepherd was dead asleep, the next he was rubbing his eyes and staring into the face of an alien.

The night was ordinary no more.

The announcement went first to the shepherds. Had the angel gone to the theologians, they would have first consulted their commentaries. Had he gone to the elite, they would have looked around to see if anyone was watching.

So he went to the shepherds. Men who didn't know enough to tell God that angels don't sing to sheep and that messiahs aren't found wrapped in rags and sleeping in a feed trough.

-3:16, The numbers of hope.

The day started normal enough, with the very sleep deprived me getting of the bed she just got in to 3 hours before. It was yet to be an uneventful day with tradition. first, head to uncle's place for the whole day, doing what? hang out, eat, catch up, eat, laugh, pictures, eat, pictures, laugh, laugh and eat.

i had my job cut out for me.

and yet this year, there was new meaning to Christmas. 

How would you like to be the gift instead? To really make someone's day. to bless someone. To go out of your reach. The extra mile. would you?

So I followed my dad to the prison. He had bought 60 packs of KFC for the inmates. It was Christmas and 'we shouldnt neglect family. they are our brothers, they are our sisters.' dad's words echoed in my heart as they led us into the female prison cells. Not knowing what to expect, not knowing what to say to them.. I just stood there so kaku. but remembering dad's words.. 'we are family'. The task suddenly became so easy! it was as if the holy spirit himself leading the meeting. the cold faces staring at us started breaking into smiles. names were introduced. faces forever etched in my heart. names already jotted down to remember.

You see, instead of going in there to bless them. I was blessed. Their openness. Their childlike faith! Passion in their speech. woah. i was thinking, 'mana kau mau cari nie!' what i saw in this sisters' faces were that they truly understood the meaning of his grace. his reason for coming. God loves them too. so so so much. their hugs meant so much. these sisters are loved!

I met this wonderful woman of God. not much older than me.. Chinese speaking. quiet.. BUT.. her passion for God is something I've never seen before. Sister Grace learnt to pray in BM, teach in BM, converse in the local dialect.. and even sing Malay songs! Her desire for prison work rendered me speechless. 

One thing I realized, she really understood why God, unlike the world, has always chosen to identify closest with those who are isolated and broken. “For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison, and you came to visit me . . . I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:35-36, 40).

It was the best Christmas gift ever. 

Selflessness.

so what if i came late for the Christmas party? 

the one where she's confused

yep. confused.

annoyed. frustrated. angry. 

but mostly confused.

very confused.

someone shoot me now

pure bliss

i forgot how much i missed the fresh air, the sound of the waves hitting the shore, the island trip, the diving.. the corals, seafood, boat trips..

but most of all, i missed the language. i missed the Sabah slang. i missed the 'pa kabar ko jo?!' and the 'bah's! 

i guess most of all, i missed lazying around. by the pool or by the beach or even in the room. with a good book and good company, she's contented! 

its a good day. :)

oh, you know you're in the perfectest hotel in kk when you're greeted with chocolate sculptures *drool* and bouquets of fresh flowers! 

and she doesnt miss the internet at all.

hehe

"..i remembered when I stumbled.."

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away - castingcrowns

I might not to be going back to kl this year after all :(

But thats not the thing's that been bugging me.

oh well.

in another note, I've been trying to make the most of this holiday.

yet, its still raining. i mean literally, its raining!

i like rain tho. i like the stars that appear appear the rain at night. the fresh air. hearing crickets singing.. something you dont get in polluted kl. yuck.

“Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain”

The rumba is a vertical expression of a horizontal wish. You have to hold her, like the skin on her thigh is your reason for living. Let her go, like your heart’s being ripped from your chest. Pull her back like you are going to have your way with her…right her on the dance floor. And then finish…like she’s ruined you for life. - Shall we dance

anyone care for a dance?

haha

"..Lalu ku reda onak duri dan lautan api.."

i used to think i had the patience to be a caregiver, a doctor. hmm. to be more specific, i was certain i had the patience to work with kids.

I thought i had it in me. years in the children's ministry in church had taught me the tools of the trade. or so i thought. we used to handle kids from every age group. toddler or tween i was ready to tackle. diaper change? i can handle it. whining kid? boleh ba. crying baby? bagi seja aku. yep, i thought those years helping and teaching kids every sunday (plus all those camps? lets not even start!) was the proper training i needed. i was convinced i learnt to a better person. A patient person. I thought i've been through the worst. i was ready for anything. i thought i had all the necessary skills honed in me.

then i board the plane back home.

(me thinks its because i've not been around kids for the longest time. Since I left Sandakan I haven't really gotten the chance to work with kids. hehe.) anyway, we get to our seats and there comes 2 of the most adorable toddlers you have ever seen. you get all mushy inside and out comes the baby talk. what darlings :) *aawwww*

THEN

first came the whining. it wasnt anything out of the norm you know. it was typical baby whining that usually doesnt bother anyone else. but somehow the frequency increased. the amplitude increased as well. kenyaringan tangisan kedua-dua bayi tersebut meninggi dengan begitu sahaja.

without warning, the crying just wouldn't stop.

poor parents of both kids had everyone else in the plane staring at them. with some people even passing by giving out huge "sighs" and "aiyos".

haha.

needless to say, i felt like smacking the 2 kids. they were not babies, mind you. toddlers. 5-ish? 6-ish? i resorted to pulling the roots out of my hair instead.

all those much earned skills of nanny-ing thrown out the window. flew into the abyss of clouds. evaporated like rain water. died like flowers in the fields. UGH.

but then kan, i thought of something.

I wonder how God feels like everytime I turn into a whiny, crying baby.

my mum said the kids were probably crying because they were unfamiliar with the plane. i truly admire the parents' patience and love. :)

which got me wondering. when was the last time i was so scared of the unfamiliarity around me? when i challenged him to prove he was real? As a father he probably sat there knowing full well our destination, telling me its alright, holding tear-eyed me, still comforting me. still holding me, even with everyone else looking at us condescendingly. even when i wouldnt listen. :/

i'm glad he held on.

so now one baby is in front of me. looking at me with the depressed, forlorn look only babies are gifted with, crying very very loud.

I look at her. I smile :) I play the peekaboo game (i wonder whats the proper name for it lol) with her. she looks at me. she's gone quiet! (whhee!) is that a smile i see? *grins*

she looks at her dad again, she takes in a deep breathe (as much as her tiny lungs can take anyway..)

..and she cries.

so i'm back home. was so close to not coming back. was even closer to having a lonely christmas in vista :( but, i am home

ah, its good to be back! tis a mixed feeling of happyness and sadness really. 

but to be in this tiny town, in my own bed! 

:)

"..here we go again.. my, my, how can i resist you.."

so there i was, innocently sitting down watching Enchanted (for the 10000th time, yes, i am proud to admit i have developed an amazing ability in recalling every single line and every single song in it. this is what happens when you stay in a hospital room too long :/ ESPECIALLY when they've shown Enchanted in starmovie for 1 million times) with my brother & mum when I got this link while checking my mail. Its a gender analyzer and it analyzes a particular blog and tells you whether the writer is a guy or a girl. lol

soo, for the fun of it, i typed in my blog url ONLY to discover :

yes, you read right!

i write like a guy! my goodness.

i should probably add more bimbo talk. 

ugh.

i'm 58% man-ish.

its quite gender neutral they say. I wonder if thats a good thing or a bad thing?

me typed in Ash's blog and they were right. she's a woman. 

typed in Sabby.. and they were right as well.

my heart, it hurts.

58% man. 

blek.

Giselle: Oh, it's you.
Prince Edward: Yes, it's me. And you are?
Giselle: Giselle.
Prince Edward: Oh, Giselle! We shall be married in the morning!

no fairytales for my kids in the future. i will make sure of it!

"..you're holding me now in your hands I belong, you'll never let me go.."

I see your eyes,
Hold the keys to my paradise
Summer in your smile
Well it makes me feel so real so real
You tell me things
And my heart sings to the world,
From the islands in the sky
Take my hand as one we will stand
You know it's now or never
To say hello to forever

she has this sudden burst of emo-ness

she dreamt that everything ended. He came clean. He left. Once and for all.

you see, there never was an 'us'. there never was and never will be.

Its tempting to think of the could-have-beens and the what-ifs. the 'if-only' feeling.

i is disliking this feeling a lot. 

Yet

My God is worth more than that.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me! Galations 2:20

Its all about him. I am reminded yet again.. its funny how something u've read over and over again your entire life still brings new meaning everytime you read it. :) the life i live.. i live by faith

Singleness is a season of our lives unmatched in its boundless opportunities for growth, learning, and service.. (J. Harris in I Kissed Dating Goodbye)

nothing makes sense anymore.

God's wisdom is foolishness in the eyes of men anyway.

muahahaha

i still hate the what-ifs and the couldve-beens. i is not liking the emotionnssss. i still feel the faithlessness at times. Oh, doubting thomas!

but this life's not my own anymore.

of that i'm sure.

and yep, this girl is gonna trust her God. She needs him. Not a guy right now. not someone to hold her. not someone to tell her how wonderful she is lol. not someone to get her through the nights. and most definitely not dia.

An undivided heart. A heart for him.

Proverbs 16:9 – “A man[woman]’s heart deviseth his[her] way:but the Lord directeth his steps”

"..A flower quickly fading.."

You will journey in the direction of your heart.

Simple sentence yet defining it, nay, understanding it tis not so simple.

she's been insomniac for quite while

• a symptom of a sleeping disorder characterized by persistent difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep despite the opportunity. It is typically followed by functional impairment while awake. Insomniacs have been known to complain about being unable to close their eyes or "rest their mind" for more than a few minutes at a time. (thankyouLord for wikipedia)

i admit i have not been up to form lately. falling short in a lot of things.

I wonder what he thinks of me. 

dont we all?

You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around.  - The Shack

"..you are my fire, my one desireeeee.."

someone asked me today why this blog has been updated almost every single day.

someone even pointed out that most of my posts are not personal enough.

someone suggested i start posting more relevant stuff

someone said i should post more about what I'm doing everyday.

someone says i am not descriptive enough.

someone actually reads my blog! 

haha happy happy happy me.

so, for someone, here goes..

today, I reverse parked for the first time in my entire driving life. wwhheeeee :)

today, i ate nasi lemak.

today, my brother ate nasi lemak & pizza for the first time since his operation.

today, he pooped. for the first time. muahahaha

today, i stayed put in the hospital and stole his hospital food *evil laugh*

tonight, i dont have to sleep in the hospital 

today, my two cousins had sushi without me :(

today, i got wet in the rain

today i watched a Singapore vs Cambodia soccer match

today i decided my sons will never play rugby

today i'm ashamed to admit i went in facebook more than 5 times :/

today.. well, today was such an interesting day.

this is fun.

to be continued tomorrow.. 

tomorrow, i shall go for street feeding with Mandy :)

tomorrow i shall meet Sarah binks and Sharonnn

tomorrow i shall eat more food

tomorrow is a new day

to be continued on the next post. :)

hopefully someone is happy with this post 

:)

"..This love you've given me, unconditional.."

Christmas celebration went great last night. :) unconditional love. His love is amazing. I'm amazed by you Lord.

Grace. One thing I learnt again, its not about us. Its never about us.

Was terrified to start of the evening. Feelings of anxiety, fear, panic.

thoughts of 

'what if the music doesnt go well?' 

'what if i sing out of tune?' 

'what if i grief the holy spirit?' 

'what if God is not pleased?'

'what if I do something wrong?'

Terrifying.

But this girl forgot. Somehow along the line it became a routine. It became something she felt she had to do. Something she thought she was in charge of. She thought she was stronger. She thought she knew her stuff. She knew it in her head but not in her heart. She failed to see that worshipping him is a lifestyle. She forgot that her God's love for her is unconditional. that she loves him because he first loved her. That who she is to him is more than what she can ever do for him. 

She needed a reminder that his grace is always enough. 

you know sometimes we know something but fail to truly understand it? thats exactly what i felt. agh

thanks for the reminder. 

As long as God is happy.

:)

Its more than enough.

i admit i dislike being vulnerable. I despise the feeling of someone else knowing I'm weak, flawed. I dont like people seeing the tears, seeing pain.  But to love extravagantly, to accept correction, to receive rebuke, openness is a must. Its a journey I'm still on and Robert Frost put it perfectly when he said the road less travelled 'has made all the difference'

The road to humility. Humility in learning and growing. It has made all the difference.

Pride?

My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.

Loads more to learn. More patience, more love, more self control. AGH so so so much to learn.. 

a willing and open heart Lord, I want.

One thing for sure, he is has been faithful.  He assembled the best and most talented worship team for last night and I was honoured to enter the holy of holies with them! to praise with them, to make a new song unto him together. :) My amazing worship team - Yih Ren, Li Teng, Fred Daniel, Kay Teck, Daniel & Elvyna. Looking forward to more practices, more praises and more worships together hehe :)

____________________________________________________________________

in another note :

anyone wanna get married? *grins* 

:D

"..I'll call, you answer and you came to my rescue.."

Ever come to the point where all you can do is pray?

No bribing him

No challenging him

No angry words

With every bit of volition you can muster

With every fibre of your being so painfully hurt

Yet trying to surrender everything to him

Ever been there?

Where you feel so useless.

So overpowered it annoys you.

It angers you.

Because you can't do anything

You sit there seeing pain and guess what?

Its where all you can is pray.

Knowing that somehow he will get us through this

He is mighty to save, no?

"..Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you draw near?.."

(she is typing this in Room 317, sjmc at the moment thinking how awesome it is that there is the internet..=] )

O.0

Got a text from Kuku thing #1 aka Sharon singing Aretha Franklin's song 'Freedom'. When I heard her on the phone, her voice did not hide the joy she was feeling! i could feel the perasaan lega so clearly. and I could relate.

The feeling of finishing exams now is definitely not the same feeling we went through when we finished pmr or spm. surviving and finishing university exams are more exhilarating you could say. It gives you a sense of satisfaction. (though theres ALWAYS the dread of getting results). 

hmm. i'm bored talking about exams :/

i do miss my crazy cousins. Their crazy and infectious laughter. Their teasing. Sarah binks and kuku thing! i await your presence muahahah. ah to feast on sushi and curry.  i wait cannot!

another kuku fella came to visit today :) he's the skinny one with curly hair. he was missed. HAHA *cough*

well, forgive this extremely random post. I'm trying hard to stay awake and its apparently not working. :/

Nathanael is doing okay today. They've got him on physiotherapy for the next 8 days then its back home to Sabah for us. Therapy's not easy. He had to walk down and up the hospital stairs today. He's getting quite used to the crutches he'll be using for the next few months. With screws screwed to his knee and painkillers that are not really working, i just wish someone could take away the pain :/ i do, really. What happened to morphine? Cocaine perhaps?

amphetamine! ephedrine! penicillin! salbutamol! carbapenem! doxycycline! 

(em, these drugs have absolutely nothing to do with the previous paragraph. there was this sudden urge to shout drug names out. a very, very sudden urge. lol)

okay. she feels very very random now. 

she saw him again today. yep, him.

when the sun shone, i felt his touch. when the wind blew i felt his whisper. when they smile i see him. you see, their hugs show his love for me

my family is proof of him.

my friends they reflect him.

Christmas celebration is tomorrow and the reminder comes softly again.. -'..back to the heart of worship, cos it's all about you, all about Jesus. I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it. Coz it's all about you, all about you Jesus.'

As a great man of God said before

I will not go where your presence will not be.

signing off,

tired and sleepy yet wide awake.

How am I supposed to be with no air? No air.. no air..

Me baby brother's having his surgery at 3.30pm later. The Ortho surgeon came in and explained everything perfectly. The poor boy hasn't eaten since last night & its oh so tempting to taunt him about it! lol

But yes, its hard I know. I cannot imagine myself in his position.

Nathanael is strong. he is. 

He's stronger than me. not physically only. but in every other aspect. also, there is no clown like him. none i tell you!

a part of our conversation today :

Me : Why are you talking to yourself?

Nael : Because I'm bored.

o.0

another snippet

Nael : Chea, top up for me credit pls.

Sha : Ady.

Nael : Fuyo. 30 ringgit ar. walau. thnk u vry much.

Sha : spend wisely. no calling girlfriend all.

Nael : Insyallah.

yet another

Nael : why must wear hospital gown?

Sha : Because its the rule!

Nael : Can wear clothes inside?

Sha : Cannot! Its not the rules!

Nael : Can wear underwear?

Sha : I dont know. I dont think so. ask the nursela. - 'excuse me, can i wear my underwear?'.

Nael : Why must take out? Why? wwwwhhhyyyyyyyy?? I dont want. what they want to see??

Sha : *bursts out laughing*

: )

okay.. well i find it amusing anyway (even if no-one else does haha). 

ah the little things that amuse me.

we've been here in the hospital since 9.30am!! AGH The ortho surgeon was really nice. i wanna be as nice as him one day. : )

and and and!  they might have to remove his whole meniskus. 

i wonder if we can keep it.

Probably in a jar or something?

But its definitely better if they dont remove anything. Everything found there should be left there. Thanks for the prayers guys. My brother thanks you, i thank you :)

Ordinary people believe only in the possible. Extraordinary people visualize not what is possible or probable, but rather what is impossible. And by visualizing the impossible, they begin to see it as possible. - Cherie Carter-Scott

the art of losing myself

i need inspiration, stimulation, aspiration!

i need more than just a feeling

i need to know for sure.

i need to hear

i need to see

i need to know its you

i don't want to stand alone on Wednesday.

i need you.

A thousand times i've failed still your mercy remains

something from a devotion awhile back..

Make a joyful shout to the Lord, all you lands! —Psalm 100:1

Psalm 100 is one of the great songs of thanksgiving in the Bible. It calls us to realize that we belong to God our Maker (vv.3-4), and to praise Him for His goodness, mercy, and truth (v.5).

During a recent reading, however, I was struck by a phrase that speaks of expressing thanks in a tangible, willing way: “Serve the Lord with gladness” (v.2). 

Many times my service to God is more grudging than glad. I do what I consider my duty, but I’m not happy about it.

Oswald Chambers put his finger on my unthankful attitude when he said: “The will of God is the gladdest, brightest, most bountiful thing possible to conceive, and yet some of us talk of the will of God with a terrific sigh—‘Oh well, I suppose it is the will of God,’ as if His will were the most calamitous thing that could befall us. . . . We become spiritual whiners and talk pathetically about ‘suffering the will of the Lord.’ Where is the majestic vitality and might of the Son of God about that!”

True thankfulness is more than being grateful for what we possess. It’s an attitude that permeates our relationship with the Lord so that we may serve Him with gladness and joy. —David McCasland

Then let us adore and give Him His right,

All glory and power, all wisdom and might,


All honor and blessing, with angels above,


And thanks never ceasing for infinite love. —Wesley

natasha is learning to give thanks..

she is learning to thank him for the littlest things.

because she's now a second year medical student,
because she is still sane,
because she is fearfully and wonderfully made,
because she is blessed beyond measure

because her family is alive and well..

she's pseudo-tired. looks tired but not really tired. hmm.

she needs sleep.

her baju-kurung hunt went well today but its to be continued soon.

she's gonna be in kl longer that she had hoped for. she wants to go home but she's glad she has her brother to bother for the next 2 weeks or so. 

she definitely needs sleep now.

signing off.

## haha. just got this text.-->Dear friend, I am praying that all is well with you. 3 John 1:2

me of little faith.

Hold me in your arms, never let me go. Please, please, dont let me go.

Waiting.. waiting on the world to change.

summary of today - Scandalous tattoos (AHEM), family time & shoes! heels? i like! :)

almost went out of petrol last night. dad was driving and the needle was bout 0.001mm away from the E. scary way to live dont you think? sitting at the edge of your seat, with the crazy notion that something bad is about to happen. you're just wondering when the engine exhausts every drop of petrol and just stops. there is a feeling of uneasiness. a feeling of fear even! a mixture of dread, regret & panic starts to brew.

you feel like suffocating. 

your heart starts beating so fast, you wonder if an MI is not far off. and to make things worst, it rains. not the 'raindrops falling on your head' kind of rain. think horrid, painful, sharp drops of rain. the kind that hurts you when you're running for shelter. the kind that makes it so hard to drive coz you cant see anything in front of you. needless to say the mood in the car wasnt exactly a new year end's partay mood. it was more of 'make one bit of sound and i'll bite your head off' mood. i even call friends to ask where was the nearest petrol station from midvalley. such was desperation. that was me.

and yet, somehow, miraculously even, we reached the station. even with the airconditioning on, there was never the need to start pushing the car. oh the trouble i would have gone to if we had stalled! imagine pushing a car in the pouring rain! i cannot.

i wonder if its a rule parents HAVE to adhere to. Rule 101 : Love your children despite of everything they do. They can drive you crazy, they may cause massive hypertension (depression even) but no matter what YOU MUST FORGIVE THEM AND LOVE THEM.
Thank you Lord for that rule.
It is the reason I'm still alive.

ps:however, i later found out from kor woi & liling that a proton still can go quite a distance because of the spare fuel in the car. for that, i no longer think malaysian made cars are stoopid.

on a serious note, yes i realized the extent of my foolish forgetfulness. I cant believe God cares even for the little little things. There's so much bigger things happening out there. but for him to care about me. even such a minute matter.. i cannot believe it!

well,i'm in subang at the moment. my phone's gone MIA.. i shall not say that it wasnt my fault, because em, it was. and the phone story..is a long one.

anyway, staying in holiday villa tonight. nearer for us to go to sjmc for the brother's scans and more doctor visits. mum mentioned that the room we're staying in brings back lot of memories. i cannot agree more. we were just here eleven months ago yet it feels like years ago. the nights spent with aunties and cousins all crammed in one room. tho the nights were filled with dread and tears, we were together. and somehow we've made it this far.

everyone has their it-moment. that exact moment where they realize life was not all smooth sailing. that moment when we learn that we were never in control. that moment when all is shattered and you are left broken and battered. When you feel weak and useless. that moment that you wish you could just be left for dead because you just cant handle the pain anymore. 

you look for the nearest exit. 

you welcome the numbness. you just plain want out. that moment most of us have already gone through but yes, many may not understand because you see, you need to experience that moment yourself in order to get what i mean. for me, i cant point out exactly when my moment was. i find myself tracing a timeline of the different things that have tremendously impacted my life...

and yes, back to this room in holiday villa. memories so alive it feels like yesterday when everyone was here. aunties, uncles, cousins - family. I think i speak the truth when i say KongKong did not deserve to leave so soon. Kong, you had Chilles coming and Jessica was there. Wan and Yew was there. Your mum and dad were there. we all were there. waiting. i cannot forget the time you shared with us your dream. the one where you saw Jesus with a sniper shooting away at the cancer. we somehow believed that it was gone. that you'd be home. that you'd still be here. with the lame jokes, the teasing and such. Chilles.. we knew you wanted to see him. we knew you fought and fight well you did. did i mention earlier we learn to accept that we're never in control? its not easy. but you get through it. eventually. they miss you do you know? Kong, they do. they're stronger now. 11 months.. there is strength. there is now colour. there are smiles and genuine laughter. they are tired but they are together. they are fighting the fight. they are finishing the race. strength drawn from him.

but i wonder, can things change so easily? i hear divorce i hear pain. i hear death i hear fear. i hear of things happening that should not be happening. i hear of families breaking apart. i hear of lives scarred. is it really worth the race? is the character building worth it all? is the fight that the apostle Paul told us about amount to anything? We fight the good fight but can we really keep the faith? Can we emerge victorious? question after question..

ah, but tis such complicated nonsense natasha! why care about such headachy things. study, finish med school and work. whats so hard?

ah, you see, i discovered something a while back. and its kept me alive, its kept me sane, its kept me clinging to the cross, its kept me grounded, its kept my heart beating.

for me to live is Christ.

life without a God who loves you and cares for you is a life not worth living.

thats what I believe in anyway.

so yep, bring in the pain. bring in the tears.

i will get through this. and you know what? so will you.

'... No matter how far you are I'm near...'

as much as i know that i do not know much about the universe.. i know now that this guy is just a glimpse. a peek perhaps? an example. a rough idea. of that someone else out there. I.need.to.get.that.

much to learn. much to accept. much to ignore. to grow or not to grow? to fall and cry or get right up and start again! 

the unexpected happened today. He cares enough to want to see the surprise on our faces. he longs to put that smile there. He never gets bored of it! haha. my brother's in kl at the moment with yours truly. brought him to vista.. let him see for himself uni life (not that there's much of it now because its the hols lol) drove back at 12midnight with bro singing along jiwangy/crazy songs. only my brother can see me like that and still love me. he has to. its the rule. you have to tahan your sister as annoying or stupid she looks. haha but yea, we make a good pair with the right songs haha. Mum, him and I might find the hospital on Wed. he needs another check up. another chance perhaps of no surgery? 

yes Lord, you can.

'..My dear, we're slowing dancing in a burning room..'

i wonder how these fingers would feel entwined in yours.

just a thought.

“at the end of the day there are just some things that you can’t help but talk about. some things we just don’t want to hear, and some things we say because of the pain so great that it blocks out everything else.. makes the rest of the world fade away… until all that we can talk about is how much we hurt. how we manage our pain is up to us. for pain we anesthesize, ride it out, we embrace it, ignore it. and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is just to push through it….” - Grey’s Anatomy

'...so when you're near me darling can't you hear me.. SOS..'

a million apologies for the slight absence.. This girl has been tied up with post exam activities and of course, she's loving every bit of it! hehe

first things first, she doesnt know if you guys noticed but her blog template has been changing for the past 2 days! haha. yep yep, it has and for now, the current one is staying until she has learns how to change it. for that she has her cousin to thank.. 

sank u sayang :)

haha. okay, well, Miel is my mum's twin's daughter. hence = cousin. for more times than I can keep count on, we've been mistaken as sisters and i dont know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing : /  she's 8 this year and she blogs, people. she blogs! 

okay em, thats not really true. she's not 8. but haha! i can imagine the gasps i got on that. lol.

well, I've had crazy times with this cuckoo thing. every fibre of her being is in love with korean dramas. she is gifted with the ability to imitate a korean. imagine walking randomly around orchard road and talking nonsensical rubbish. ah, the things that amuse us!  haha. she's very passionate about the things she loves and its a favourite pasttime of mine to tease her mercilessly muahahaa. (yes, natasha has finally revealed her evil side) she's a rather emo kid (whats with the younger generation now?! KIDS these days!) lol with dimples anyone would kill for. oh, and she's grown up quite a bit.. gone were the Hello Kitty days and all pink themes (good riddance!). she loves her friends to bits and her gila-ness is very addictive - I kid you not! oh, and we both have intense passion for.. FOOD. AND she's willing to sit down for hours (ahem) and spend her precious holiday time finding proper templates for her wonderful cousin.. haha. sank u again dear

I could go on but I'd rather not promote my cousin anymore. haha. she's still young. still innocent. (HAHA) of course, she is still and forever will be, loved :)

well, in another note, I'm still in KL at the moment 'tho its already been 10 days since my results came out. I have yet to find enough words to express how great and real my God is. 

'seems like I always fall short 

of bein worthy 
Cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me'    -  The Singing Temptations. 

its been a journey.. learning about his grace. its not been easy, mind you. I've had my share of grief, pain, hurt, anger, denial but yea, its been full of ups as well. embracing the fact that she's fearfully and wonderfully made, discovering his abundant grace, mercy and love. 

'..It kinda makes you wanna break into song..'  - I love the whole world, The Discovery Channel

well, contrary to popular belief, I have no notion to get married anytime soon nor am I avoiding home. I'm pretty much contented in my room. with stuff to do.

Was caught up earlier this week with preparing for CF, christmas decoration (the atrium is looking very very pretty now hehe) and visiting my grandma. I had my first shot at cutting syrofoam with the special hot-wire-syrofoam-cutter-thingy. and yes, it took a bit of practice for my uber shaky hands but for now, surgery's not in my list. agh. 

Realized papa gave me a family here in IMU. had crazy, crazy time with Jacelyn & Christy. laughed so much amongst snowflakes and stars. of crawling and kungfu-ing? haha. until tummy pain. yes yes, the joys of having crazy people as sisters :)

even Sabby baby. haha. someone described here in 2 words - squeaky and nice. nicely squeaky? squeakily nice? crazy crazy sis of mine. big heart. pure heart :)

For I’ve been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I’ll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal to the grace by which I stand  - In Christ Alone, Brian Littrel

sudden burst of cuteness

this is what kids would ask God.

so cute!

if only we were that innocent 

'.. Adrift on your ocean floor, I feel weightless, numb and sore..'

they went to kundasang.. without me.

'.. Some hearts, they just get all the right breaks..'

she's puzzled.

it is not that out prayers are not answered, it is that we do not accept the answer.

-kosti tolonen

but. why?

When life knocks you to your knees, and it will, why get up?
If it knocks you to your knees again, as it will, well, isn't that the best position from which to pray? - Ethel Barrymore


I have no words to describe how grateful i am for a God who not only heals,
but forgives and loves me. Despite of all my shortcomings, all my mistakes, all my faithlessness, my doubts, Lord, you were still there.


Things have been weird. i feel, well, lost. today was nevertheless a good day. woke up with determination to clean the apartment (after much procrastination!) and have a bit of me time..
not much of that happening yet but yea, a week of alone time!
my housemates have left for home and the family's coming next week, hopefully.
its funny how it doesn't bother me anymore to have a plan. an itinerary?
haha. this girl's learning to live day by day.


with just. enough. light.

'... Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright...'

Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet.

this is her being honest. no strings attached. no hiding di sebalik batu.

you see, she's human.

somewhere along the journey she saw him. at first she thought no more of him.

those short conversations meant nothing.

blame the exam stress, blame the sad state of IMU.

but somehow it came to

'..I don't know how you do what you do

I'm so in love with you..'

shoot me now, please.

found by you

Its always been a mystery to me,
How two hearts can come together,
And love can last forever.
But now that I have found you I believe,
That a miracle has come when God sends the perfect one.
So gone are all my questions about why,
And i've never been so sure of anything in my life

Never have I been to a more emotional, more intimate, more God centered wedding.

When Shaun sang to his bride walking down that aisle at that garden,

you knew instantly that it was no ordinary wedding.

rose petals and candles illuminating the walkway; tears and laughter echoing around.

Jo, my amazing, amazing sister is married. :)

I look at them and I know our God loves us.

one thing i know, there's no need to pine and wait or look for the 'right' person.

what use is 'another half'' if we're not complete in our own God?

If our relationship with him is nonexistent?

We delight in him first. We seek him first.

Its not easy. But its do-able. With him.

'...urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory'
I Thes 2:12

why he's awesome

Be still, My child, and know that I am God!
Wait thou patiently—I know the path you trod.
So falter not, nor fear, nor think to run and hide,
For I, thy hope and strength, am waiting by thy side. —Hein

Thank you, Papa.

of rainbows and pots of golds

been up and about lately, scurrying from one place to another. its been uplifting,
to be able to finally sleep! special thank u for your prayers :) of falling asleep and accidents?
I've learnt my lesson!


so much has happened, so much has changed, lives turned, friendships broken?
friendships mended. its a journey..
a long one. at times when I was on the verge of just giving up and contemplated just sitting down and not moving,
someone always seemed to come along to give that push. that pull.
that iknowyoucandothis smile, the i-love-you hugs.
the all familiar buzz of the phone signaling an sms.
All show one thing. He is real.
He doesnt have to reveal himself majestically from the clouds.
He's here in them, through them.


was in genting a few days back with a few friends.
Left my camera with my dad so no pictures here. lol.
but like I said to a few people earlier, what happened in genting STAYS IN GENTING!
agh. memories I'll be keeping for the next few centuries :)
we left to genting by bus from pudu and it was raining when we got there!
agh! so the outdoor theme park was closed - unfortunately.
ended up bringing out the inner child in us, reminiscing over the lost childhood years..
with ferris wheels, bumper cars & cotton candy!
went romantic with the notsoromantic so-called venice gondolas.
making wishes and hitting bells. Of pranks and dares? my lips are sealed :x


of dates and shopping?
"Life without a friend is like death without a witness." cling, i heart you! haha

of rainbows after a storm. i have always admired how strong some people can be.

they have that sense of balance.

being able to juggle everything, taking everything in no questions asked.

whatever comes their way its always a confirmed 'thisisGod'swill' yet I always seem to falter. there's always the whys and the hows. i want that strength.

take courage guys, because i learnt to let go and let God.

wait, scrap that. I'm learning. still. to let go, let God do what he wants.

my cousin shared this to me last time. I remember exactly what he said, 'to let go is not about giving up when you think you've tried everything and exhausted every possibility there is. letting go and letting God is about doing everything to your best capacity knowing that in the end, he holds the reins-not you. his name will be glorified.'

so yea, its always easier said than done but gonna let go and let God.

whatever the results are next friday, He is still Lord. :')

a friend reminded me once in mms - put on your seatbelt and let Jesus do the driving. so yea,

i dont wanna drive anymore. :)

So Close

when she has 3 posts in a day you know something is seriously wrong.

especially with exams in exactly a week

but then again, we all have our vices, no?

some take a walk after the mugging

some sleep.

some eat.

but me, i do this.

i waste space in the internet.

with unnecessary crap

haha.

so, this post is going to be different.

i promise you.

you see,

i realized something today

i have the greatest family in the world. 

ask me why.

because its my family 

i am sure of that :)

i miss them already 

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

I've had the time of my life

yep. ive had the time of my life today

in the room.

by myself.

after cake.

after roti jala and sate.

after teh tarik.

after whiskey & vodka.

on deepavali.

trying to study.

BUT

how to study with people running and screaming around??

how to study with people just downstairs enjoying themselves. with food.. spoilt with choice!

yet she is better than that dammit

yes, she can overcome temptation and shall refrain from petty small talk

and wonderful glorious food.

u guys better come for deepavali next year.

or else.

You'll never walk alone - Elvis

had a long week. full of surprises. its good to be with the books.
the mugging. heavenly. who can ask for anything better??

thank you dears for the smiles,

for the thoughtful random smses that have made my day everyday!

for the calls, making sure i'm still alive. :D

for your thoughts

your love.

to the wonderfulest most amazingest and awesomest gorgeous women imu has to offer. hehe

and whats awesome is that iknowthem :)

sabby my other half, i heart you

ziaa my twin.. liling my other other half.. lol

Ash! elvynaa, meiixxinnn! anushya.. the list goes on..

Phil 1:3 - I thank my God every time i think of you!

hug :)

we're pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed.

old news

a penny for your thoughts?

Watch this if you're Malaysian.

just because.

Bagi bangsa ini
kami berdiri
dan membawa doa kami kepadamu
sesuatu yang besar
pasti terjadi
dan mengubahkan negeri kami
Hanya namaMu Tuhan ditinggikan
atas seluruh bumi.

“We cannot change our past. We can not change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.” 

Charles Swindoll.

Broken World

Promises shattered

Answers don't come

Friends say goodbye

Plans come undone

Dreams get crushed

Lies get told

Words can turn cruel

Hearts can grow cold

In a broken world where we cry to feel

Some hope that helps these hearts to heal

You're my strength, You're my refuge

In a broken world, Jesus I'm holding to you.

You make sense of the madness

And you make darkness flee

You bring such a calm

To the chaos in me

Show me life

Tell me truth

Day after day I keep running to You

by ATS

I fall so far

yet, you come to where I am.

'I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.' 

Charles Swindoll.

we can do this.

Wouldn't it be nice

deepavali's on monday

again with the questions, 'are u inviting anyone?' 'why you never bring anyone to see your family during open house?'. one of the worst - 'you no friends ah?!' 

its not my fault deepavali falls on a time everyone's mugging to death for exams. 

then again, the looks on their faces are priceless when the answer is - 

'i have no friends. i need friends.'

ps:i'm stealing liling's idea of using random songs as the title. giving the brain a break. :D

to my room, to the friends back home :)

Ke hadapan bilik Natasha yang amat dirindui dan disayangi. Saya berharap anda dalam keadaan sihat-sihat sahaja.

Ingatikah engkau masa dulu, ketika kaulah tempat perlindunganku daripada adik yang annoying? daripada kawan yg mau dielak dan kadang2 juga dari ibubapa yang.. entahlah. haha

ba, trasa pla tiba2 mo imbas2 balik zaman sklh when bm ruled! time form4 and form5 ngan pacik2 and macik2 skalian. time nda payah risau psl stadi. wui, ingat ko si bunjut? mana kau?? bnyk pla salah aku sama dia. entah dia sudah maafkan aku ngan c pacik ka. 

alah.. time yg kitaorg ckp mo prepare dbate KUNUN padahal abis bergosip d library. time kita study. time pi labuan mcm org kejakunan. buat projek. reka cipta yg nda pernah menjdi. mana sdah ko shar! mana ko as! ba, dare i say this? kdang2 rindu jugak ngan sekolah. biar ckit jak..

skrg, suma org entah d mana. 1 di johor. 1 sibuk berdating d sunway. aduina, satu lagi di mesir n satu lgi mo jln pi nz. mcm kamu org. ingat kmu kena marah meimei? kerja rumah yg nda pernh siap. mengajar add maths haha. aku jadi kau, kau jadi aku? 

ba, nda lama lagi ada nie mo kahwin. aku menunggu jemputan wui! jgn ko lupa kertas A3 ngan lagunya skali! 

jangan ko stress. 

ingat,

ok ba klu ko.

random post. eos is NEAR. go study.

his grace, i need.

natasha is officially in a wedding mood!

blame Jo for making me compile her wedding songs! agghh ( i joke i joke..) 

song of the day - I Could Not Ask For More by Edwin McCain. 

isocanmeltrightnow

my utmost for his highest. coz its not about me anymore. it never was, yet why when circumstance come our way we falter so easily? To dismantle doubt is never easy. so many questions! so much doubts. i want answers. i want this, i want that.

but no more.

the irony of some things astound me. religiousness? piousness? the look-at-me attitudes? less of me Lord, more of you.

i

cant

do this anymore

i cant.

bliss <33

exams are not over. its a friday. so, bout 2 weeks more to go til it is over.

Had cf today and was at first a bit hesitant to go (blame the flu, lack of sleep, possible late night tonight) yet.. I went..

because

em, guys and girls, family and friends..

listen up.

i'm.

engaged.

to be married.

soon?

sort of.

he's wonderful. :)

my heart finally beats for a reason!

the flowers smell sweeter

the blues are bluer

greens are greener

birds are chirping louder

sighh

this layout doesnt mention the day i post something.

so yes, its a saturday. a wonderful day.

emo. the word should be banned i tell you!

happy mugging guys. :)

my day

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now.

updatess

sorry for the lapse of posts.. believe me, its nothing intentional. exams are coming nearer way too fast and.. yes, she has to study. the internet doesnt bring her as much joy as it used to. or maybe its just the stress? or the prolonged absence of an internet connection in her home?

agh, she stares at a picture of E. hystolytica, wondering - what should she eat tonight? (by the way, E hystolytica causes bloody diarrhea. You can die. yep, and after studying all these parasites, only one conclusion can be made.

We should all stop eating.

Theres too much microbes in the world.

ooh, we should stop drinking water as well. Lets not forget the our dear Giardia lamblia and Entamoeba hystolytica.

this is purely random.

she wonders why IMU doesnt have a proper study area for students APART from pbl rooms (which are only open during weekdays) and the library.

she remembers a story about a thermostat and a thermometer.

Are you simply reflecting your climate around you? or are you setting the climate around you.

taking charge? or sitting back?

complaining or acting?

we were made for greater things.

the week has been crazy yet again agh! one thing that stood out was the fact i was extremely annoyed with a certain someone during my hospital visit yesterday.. Shami (my housemate) was kind enough to lend me an ear.. girl, u are definitely very patient! haha. Sufi was there as well to hear the annoyed-me complaining about this particular person.

then it hits me on my way back to klang.

who am i to judge this other person?

(this person's gender and name shall not be revealed due to the fact gossiping is out of the question. hehe)

What made me think i am any better than him/her? very, very humbling. as Sarah puts it, hate the sin, not the sinner.

so, no, I'm not the better person. in fact, i could be the worst compared to him/her.

its a struggle we have to take on. accepting each other with all our weaknesses.

to forgive! agghhh.. i cant do this on my own. But if He could.. the sins of every single one. maybe.. maybe I could?

'Thoughtlessness, self-absorption, preoccupation, negligence - you expect those from the average run of your acquaintances, but not from your best friend. From him you want perfection. You want him to read your mind" - Emma in Saving Graces

Phone calls, random drives, the stars at night.. remember?

I want you to.

when u get sick of books, go take ridiculous photos.

taken 5 minutes ago when she should be studying. >=/ --- angry face.

Pls still love me ash :(


Need i say more?

signing off.

annoyed and sleepy.

i miss

i miss my orientation group.


i'm off to a cousin's cousin's wedding. second cousin? cousin twice removed? :/ oh well. feast your eyes of z dress of z night! hehehe. ironic how i missed a wedding last week only to go for another this week :/

a premonition! of a wedding.. ah yes :)

signing off

extremely sleepy woman