"... Me and all my friends, we're all misunderstood..."

she is loving being 19.

i love having the world at my feet
i love being able to say stupid things and not care what people think

i love acting silly 

of smiling or laughing without reason.

:)

i look forward for the 'could-be's becoming 'will-be's
what can't i achieve?
anticipation.
with all that's happened this year

i cannot wait to see what more He has in store for me. for us.
I may not like what comes my way.
But I've given him the wheel.
and I'm looking forward to the ride
:)

i love being young.

my whole life ahead of me.

i wonder though,
what's in store for the next 12 months?
12 years?
argh.
Why do I suddenly feel like I'm running out of time?

Why is it already the end of the year?!

and yet, right now I'm taking a backseat.
let tomorrow worry for itself.

there's so much more to learn, so much more to understand.
next year, a year of more growing. in patience, in love, in everything!

more of him and less of me.

19.

i am loving it.

"..One scarred hand to the other.."

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son..

There is one word that describes the night he came - ordinary.

The sky was ordinary. An occasional gust stirred the leaves and chilled the air. The stars were diamonds sparkling on black velvet.

The sheep was ordinary. Some fat. Some scrawny. Common animals. No history makers. No blue-ribbon winners.

And the shepherds. Peasants they were. Smelling like sheep and looking just as woolly?

An ordinary night with ordinary sheep and ordinary shepherds. And were it not for a God who loves to hook an "extra" on the front of the ordinary, the night would have gone unnoticed. The sheep would have been forgotten and the shepherds would have slept the night away.

But God dances amidst the common! 

And that night he did a waltz.

The black sky exploded with brightness. Trees that had been shadows jumped into clarity. Sheep that had been silent became a chorus of curiosity. One minute the shepherd was dead asleep, the next he was rubbing his eyes and staring into the face of an alien.

The night was ordinary no more.

The announcement went first to the shepherds. Had the angel gone to the theologians, they would have first consulted their commentaries. Had he gone to the elite, they would have looked around to see if anyone was watching.

So he went to the shepherds. Men who didn't know enough to tell God that angels don't sing to sheep and that messiahs aren't found wrapped in rags and sleeping in a feed trough.

-3:16, The numbers of hope.

The day started normal enough, with the very sleep deprived me getting of the bed she just got in to 3 hours before. It was yet to be an uneventful day with tradition. first, head to uncle's place for the whole day, doing what? hang out, eat, catch up, eat, laugh, pictures, eat, pictures, laugh, laugh and eat.

i had my job cut out for me.

and yet this year, there was new meaning to Christmas. 

How would you like to be the gift instead? To really make someone's day. to bless someone. To go out of your reach. The extra mile. would you?

So I followed my dad to the prison. He had bought 60 packs of KFC for the inmates. It was Christmas and 'we shouldnt neglect family. they are our brothers, they are our sisters.' dad's words echoed in my heart as they led us into the female prison cells. Not knowing what to expect, not knowing what to say to them.. I just stood there so kaku. but remembering dad's words.. 'we are family'. The task suddenly became so easy! it was as if the holy spirit himself leading the meeting. the cold faces staring at us started breaking into smiles. names were introduced. faces forever etched in my heart. names already jotted down to remember.

You see, instead of going in there to bless them. I was blessed. Their openness. Their childlike faith! Passion in their speech. woah. i was thinking, 'mana kau mau cari nie!' what i saw in this sisters' faces were that they truly understood the meaning of his grace. his reason for coming. God loves them too. so so so much. their hugs meant so much. these sisters are loved!

I met this wonderful woman of God. not much older than me.. Chinese speaking. quiet.. BUT.. her passion for God is something I've never seen before. Sister Grace learnt to pray in BM, teach in BM, converse in the local dialect.. and even sing Malay songs! Her desire for prison work rendered me speechless. 

One thing I realized, she really understood why God, unlike the world, has always chosen to identify closest with those who are isolated and broken. “For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison, and you came to visit me . . . I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:35-36, 40).

It was the best Christmas gift ever. 

Selflessness.

so what if i came late for the Christmas party? 

the one where she's confused

yep. confused.

annoyed. frustrated. angry. 

but mostly confused.

very confused.

someone shoot me now

pure bliss

i forgot how much i missed the fresh air, the sound of the waves hitting the shore, the island trip, the diving.. the corals, seafood, boat trips..

but most of all, i missed the language. i missed the Sabah slang. i missed the 'pa kabar ko jo?!' and the 'bah's! 

i guess most of all, i missed lazying around. by the pool or by the beach or even in the room. with a good book and good company, she's contented! 

its a good day. :)

oh, you know you're in the perfectest hotel in kk when you're greeted with chocolate sculptures *drool* and bouquets of fresh flowers! 

and she doesnt miss the internet at all.

hehe

"..i remembered when I stumbled.."

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away - castingcrowns

I might not to be going back to kl this year after all :(

But thats not the thing's that been bugging me.

oh well.

in another note, I've been trying to make the most of this holiday.

yet, its still raining. i mean literally, its raining!

i like rain tho. i like the stars that appear appear the rain at night. the fresh air. hearing crickets singing.. something you dont get in polluted kl. yuck.

“Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain”

The rumba is a vertical expression of a horizontal wish. You have to hold her, like the skin on her thigh is your reason for living. Let her go, like your heart’s being ripped from your chest. Pull her back like you are going to have your way with her…right her on the dance floor. And then finish…like she’s ruined you for life. - Shall we dance

anyone care for a dance?

haha

"..Lalu ku reda onak duri dan lautan api.."

i used to think i had the patience to be a caregiver, a doctor. hmm. to be more specific, i was certain i had the patience to work with kids.

I thought i had it in me. years in the children's ministry in church had taught me the tools of the trade. or so i thought. we used to handle kids from every age group. toddler or tween i was ready to tackle. diaper change? i can handle it. whining kid? boleh ba. crying baby? bagi seja aku. yep, i thought those years helping and teaching kids every sunday (plus all those camps? lets not even start!) was the proper training i needed. i was convinced i learnt to a better person. A patient person. I thought i've been through the worst. i was ready for anything. i thought i had all the necessary skills honed in me.

then i board the plane back home.

(me thinks its because i've not been around kids for the longest time. Since I left Sandakan I haven't really gotten the chance to work with kids. hehe.) anyway, we get to our seats and there comes 2 of the most adorable toddlers you have ever seen. you get all mushy inside and out comes the baby talk. what darlings :) *aawwww*

THEN

first came the whining. it wasnt anything out of the norm you know. it was typical baby whining that usually doesnt bother anyone else. but somehow the frequency increased. the amplitude increased as well. kenyaringan tangisan kedua-dua bayi tersebut meninggi dengan begitu sahaja.

without warning, the crying just wouldn't stop.

poor parents of both kids had everyone else in the plane staring at them. with some people even passing by giving out huge "sighs" and "aiyos".

haha.

needless to say, i felt like smacking the 2 kids. they were not babies, mind you. toddlers. 5-ish? 6-ish? i resorted to pulling the roots out of my hair instead.

all those much earned skills of nanny-ing thrown out the window. flew into the abyss of clouds. evaporated like rain water. died like flowers in the fields. UGH.

but then kan, i thought of something.

I wonder how God feels like everytime I turn into a whiny, crying baby.

my mum said the kids were probably crying because they were unfamiliar with the plane. i truly admire the parents' patience and love. :)

which got me wondering. when was the last time i was so scared of the unfamiliarity around me? when i challenged him to prove he was real? As a father he probably sat there knowing full well our destination, telling me its alright, holding tear-eyed me, still comforting me. still holding me, even with everyone else looking at us condescendingly. even when i wouldnt listen. :/

i'm glad he held on.

so now one baby is in front of me. looking at me with the depressed, forlorn look only babies are gifted with, crying very very loud.

I look at her. I smile :) I play the peekaboo game (i wonder whats the proper name for it lol) with her. she looks at me. she's gone quiet! (whhee!) is that a smile i see? *grins*

she looks at her dad again, she takes in a deep breathe (as much as her tiny lungs can take anyway..)

..and she cries.

so i'm back home. was so close to not coming back. was even closer to having a lonely christmas in vista :( but, i am home

ah, its good to be back! tis a mixed feeling of happyness and sadness really. 

but to be in this tiny town, in my own bed! 

:)

"..here we go again.. my, my, how can i resist you.."

so there i was, innocently sitting down watching Enchanted (for the 10000th time, yes, i am proud to admit i have developed an amazing ability in recalling every single line and every single song in it. this is what happens when you stay in a hospital room too long :/ ESPECIALLY when they've shown Enchanted in starmovie for 1 million times) with my brother & mum when I got this link while checking my mail. Its a gender analyzer and it analyzes a particular blog and tells you whether the writer is a guy or a girl. lol

soo, for the fun of it, i typed in my blog url ONLY to discover :

yes, you read right!

i write like a guy! my goodness.

i should probably add more bimbo talk. 

ugh.

i'm 58% man-ish.

its quite gender neutral they say. I wonder if thats a good thing or a bad thing?

me typed in Ash's blog and they were right. she's a woman. 

typed in Sabby.. and they were right as well.

my heart, it hurts.

58% man. 

blek.

Giselle: Oh, it's you.
Prince Edward: Yes, it's me. And you are?
Giselle: Giselle.
Prince Edward: Oh, Giselle! We shall be married in the morning!

no fairytales for my kids in the future. i will make sure of it!

"..you're holding me now in your hands I belong, you'll never let me go.."

I see your eyes,
Hold the keys to my paradise
Summer in your smile
Well it makes me feel so real so real
You tell me things
And my heart sings to the world,
From the islands in the sky
Take my hand as one we will stand
You know it's now or never
To say hello to forever

she has this sudden burst of emo-ness

she dreamt that everything ended. He came clean. He left. Once and for all.

you see, there never was an 'us'. there never was and never will be.

Its tempting to think of the could-have-beens and the what-ifs. the 'if-only' feeling.

i is disliking this feeling a lot. 

Yet

My God is worth more than that.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me! Galations 2:20

Its all about him. I am reminded yet again.. its funny how something u've read over and over again your entire life still brings new meaning everytime you read it. :) the life i live.. i live by faith

Singleness is a season of our lives unmatched in its boundless opportunities for growth, learning, and service.. (J. Harris in I Kissed Dating Goodbye)

nothing makes sense anymore.

God's wisdom is foolishness in the eyes of men anyway.

muahahaha

i still hate the what-ifs and the couldve-beens. i is not liking the emotionnssss. i still feel the faithlessness at times. Oh, doubting thomas!

but this life's not my own anymore.

of that i'm sure.

and yep, this girl is gonna trust her God. She needs him. Not a guy right now. not someone to hold her. not someone to tell her how wonderful she is lol. not someone to get her through the nights. and most definitely not dia.

An undivided heart. A heart for him.

Proverbs 16:9 – “A man[woman]’s heart deviseth his[her] way:but the Lord directeth his steps”

"..A flower quickly fading.."

You will journey in the direction of your heart.

Simple sentence yet defining it, nay, understanding it tis not so simple.

she's been insomniac for quite while

• a symptom of a sleeping disorder characterized by persistent difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep despite the opportunity. It is typically followed by functional impairment while awake. Insomniacs have been known to complain about being unable to close their eyes or "rest their mind" for more than a few minutes at a time. (thankyouLord for wikipedia)

i admit i have not been up to form lately. falling short in a lot of things.

I wonder what he thinks of me. 

dont we all?

You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around.  - The Shack

"..you are my fire, my one desireeeee.."

someone asked me today why this blog has been updated almost every single day.

someone even pointed out that most of my posts are not personal enough.

someone suggested i start posting more relevant stuff

someone said i should post more about what I'm doing everyday.

someone says i am not descriptive enough.

someone actually reads my blog! 

haha happy happy happy me.

so, for someone, here goes..

today, I reverse parked for the first time in my entire driving life. wwhheeeee :)

today, i ate nasi lemak.

today, my brother ate nasi lemak & pizza for the first time since his operation.

today, he pooped. for the first time. muahahaha

today, i stayed put in the hospital and stole his hospital food *evil laugh*

tonight, i dont have to sleep in the hospital 

today, my two cousins had sushi without me :(

today, i got wet in the rain

today i watched a Singapore vs Cambodia soccer match

today i decided my sons will never play rugby

today i'm ashamed to admit i went in facebook more than 5 times :/

today.. well, today was such an interesting day.

this is fun.

to be continued tomorrow.. 

tomorrow, i shall go for street feeding with Mandy :)

tomorrow i shall meet Sarah binks and Sharonnn

tomorrow i shall eat more food

tomorrow is a new day

to be continued on the next post. :)

hopefully someone is happy with this post 

:)

"..This love you've given me, unconditional.."

Christmas celebration went great last night. :) unconditional love. His love is amazing. I'm amazed by you Lord.

Grace. One thing I learnt again, its not about us. Its never about us.

Was terrified to start of the evening. Feelings of anxiety, fear, panic.

thoughts of 

'what if the music doesnt go well?' 

'what if i sing out of tune?' 

'what if i grief the holy spirit?' 

'what if God is not pleased?'

'what if I do something wrong?'

Terrifying.

But this girl forgot. Somehow along the line it became a routine. It became something she felt she had to do. Something she thought she was in charge of. She thought she was stronger. She thought she knew her stuff. She knew it in her head but not in her heart. She failed to see that worshipping him is a lifestyle. She forgot that her God's love for her is unconditional. that she loves him because he first loved her. That who she is to him is more than what she can ever do for him. 

She needed a reminder that his grace is always enough. 

you know sometimes we know something but fail to truly understand it? thats exactly what i felt. agh

thanks for the reminder. 

As long as God is happy.

:)

Its more than enough.

i admit i dislike being vulnerable. I despise the feeling of someone else knowing I'm weak, flawed. I dont like people seeing the tears, seeing pain.  But to love extravagantly, to accept correction, to receive rebuke, openness is a must. Its a journey I'm still on and Robert Frost put it perfectly when he said the road less travelled 'has made all the difference'

The road to humility. Humility in learning and growing. It has made all the difference.

Pride?

My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.

Loads more to learn. More patience, more love, more self control. AGH so so so much to learn.. 

a willing and open heart Lord, I want.

One thing for sure, he is has been faithful.  He assembled the best and most talented worship team for last night and I was honoured to enter the holy of holies with them! to praise with them, to make a new song unto him together. :) My amazing worship team - Yih Ren, Li Teng, Fred Daniel, Kay Teck, Daniel & Elvyna. Looking forward to more practices, more praises and more worships together hehe :)

____________________________________________________________________

in another note :

anyone wanna get married? *grins* 

:D

"..I'll call, you answer and you came to my rescue.."

Ever come to the point where all you can do is pray?

No bribing him

No challenging him

No angry words

With every bit of volition you can muster

With every fibre of your being so painfully hurt

Yet trying to surrender everything to him

Ever been there?

Where you feel so useless.

So overpowered it annoys you.

It angers you.

Because you can't do anything

You sit there seeing pain and guess what?

Its where all you can is pray.

Knowing that somehow he will get us through this

He is mighty to save, no?

"..Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you draw near?.."

(she is typing this in Room 317, sjmc at the moment thinking how awesome it is that there is the internet..=] )

O.0

Got a text from Kuku thing #1 aka Sharon singing Aretha Franklin's song 'Freedom'. When I heard her on the phone, her voice did not hide the joy she was feeling! i could feel the perasaan lega so clearly. and I could relate.

The feeling of finishing exams now is definitely not the same feeling we went through when we finished pmr or spm. surviving and finishing university exams are more exhilarating you could say. It gives you a sense of satisfaction. (though theres ALWAYS the dread of getting results). 

hmm. i'm bored talking about exams :/

i do miss my crazy cousins. Their crazy and infectious laughter. Their teasing. Sarah binks and kuku thing! i await your presence muahahah. ah to feast on sushi and curry.  i wait cannot!

another kuku fella came to visit today :) he's the skinny one with curly hair. he was missed. HAHA *cough*

well, forgive this extremely random post. I'm trying hard to stay awake and its apparently not working. :/

Nathanael is doing okay today. They've got him on physiotherapy for the next 8 days then its back home to Sabah for us. Therapy's not easy. He had to walk down and up the hospital stairs today. He's getting quite used to the crutches he'll be using for the next few months. With screws screwed to his knee and painkillers that are not really working, i just wish someone could take away the pain :/ i do, really. What happened to morphine? Cocaine perhaps?

amphetamine! ephedrine! penicillin! salbutamol! carbapenem! doxycycline! 

(em, these drugs have absolutely nothing to do with the previous paragraph. there was this sudden urge to shout drug names out. a very, very sudden urge. lol)

okay. she feels very very random now. 

she saw him again today. yep, him.

when the sun shone, i felt his touch. when the wind blew i felt his whisper. when they smile i see him. you see, their hugs show his love for me

my family is proof of him.

my friends they reflect him.

Christmas celebration is tomorrow and the reminder comes softly again.. -'..back to the heart of worship, cos it's all about you, all about Jesus. I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it. Coz it's all about you, all about you Jesus.'

As a great man of God said before

I will not go where your presence will not be.

signing off,

tired and sleepy yet wide awake.

How am I supposed to be with no air? No air.. no air..

Me baby brother's having his surgery at 3.30pm later. The Ortho surgeon came in and explained everything perfectly. The poor boy hasn't eaten since last night & its oh so tempting to taunt him about it! lol

But yes, its hard I know. I cannot imagine myself in his position.

Nathanael is strong. he is. 

He's stronger than me. not physically only. but in every other aspect. also, there is no clown like him. none i tell you!

a part of our conversation today :

Me : Why are you talking to yourself?

Nael : Because I'm bored.

o.0

another snippet

Nael : Chea, top up for me credit pls.

Sha : Ady.

Nael : Fuyo. 30 ringgit ar. walau. thnk u vry much.

Sha : spend wisely. no calling girlfriend all.

Nael : Insyallah.

yet another

Nael : why must wear hospital gown?

Sha : Because its the rule!

Nael : Can wear clothes inside?

Sha : Cannot! Its not the rules!

Nael : Can wear underwear?

Sha : I dont know. I dont think so. ask the nursela. - 'excuse me, can i wear my underwear?'.

Nael : Why must take out? Why? wwwwhhhyyyyyyyy?? I dont want. what they want to see??

Sha : *bursts out laughing*

: )

okay.. well i find it amusing anyway (even if no-one else does haha). 

ah the little things that amuse me.

we've been here in the hospital since 9.30am!! AGH The ortho surgeon was really nice. i wanna be as nice as him one day. : )

and and and!  they might have to remove his whole meniskus. 

i wonder if we can keep it.

Probably in a jar or something?

But its definitely better if they dont remove anything. Everything found there should be left there. Thanks for the prayers guys. My brother thanks you, i thank you :)

Ordinary people believe only in the possible. Extraordinary people visualize not what is possible or probable, but rather what is impossible. And by visualizing the impossible, they begin to see it as possible. - Cherie Carter-Scott

the art of losing myself

i need inspiration, stimulation, aspiration!

i need more than just a feeling

i need to know for sure.

i need to hear

i need to see

i need to know its you

i don't want to stand alone on Wednesday.

i need you.