A thousand times i've failed still your mercy remains

something from a devotion awhile back..

Make a joyful shout to the Lord, all you lands! —Psalm 100:1

Psalm 100 is one of the great songs of thanksgiving in the Bible. It calls us to realize that we belong to God our Maker (vv.3-4), and to praise Him for His goodness, mercy, and truth (v.5).

During a recent reading, however, I was struck by a phrase that speaks of expressing thanks in a tangible, willing way: “Serve the Lord with gladness” (v.2). 

Many times my service to God is more grudging than glad. I do what I consider my duty, but I’m not happy about it.

Oswald Chambers put his finger on my unthankful attitude when he said: “The will of God is the gladdest, brightest, most bountiful thing possible to conceive, and yet some of us talk of the will of God with a terrific sigh—‘Oh well, I suppose it is the will of God,’ as if His will were the most calamitous thing that could befall us. . . . We become spiritual whiners and talk pathetically about ‘suffering the will of the Lord.’ Where is the majestic vitality and might of the Son of God about that!”

True thankfulness is more than being grateful for what we possess. It’s an attitude that permeates our relationship with the Lord so that we may serve Him with gladness and joy. —David McCasland

Then let us adore and give Him His right,

All glory and power, all wisdom and might,


All honor and blessing, with angels above,


And thanks never ceasing for infinite love. —Wesley

natasha is learning to give thanks..

she is learning to thank him for the littlest things.

because she's now a second year medical student,
because she is still sane,
because she is fearfully and wonderfully made,
because she is blessed beyond measure

because her family is alive and well..

she's pseudo-tired. looks tired but not really tired. hmm.

she needs sleep.

her baju-kurung hunt went well today but its to be continued soon.

she's gonna be in kl longer that she had hoped for. she wants to go home but she's glad she has her brother to bother for the next 2 weeks or so. 

she definitely needs sleep now.

signing off.

## haha. just got this text.-->Dear friend, I am praying that all is well with you. 3 John 1:2

me of little faith.

Hold me in your arms, never let me go. Please, please, dont let me go.

Waiting.. waiting on the world to change.

summary of today - Scandalous tattoos (AHEM), family time & shoes! heels? i like! :)

almost went out of petrol last night. dad was driving and the needle was bout 0.001mm away from the E. scary way to live dont you think? sitting at the edge of your seat, with the crazy notion that something bad is about to happen. you're just wondering when the engine exhausts every drop of petrol and just stops. there is a feeling of uneasiness. a feeling of fear even! a mixture of dread, regret & panic starts to brew.

you feel like suffocating. 

your heart starts beating so fast, you wonder if an MI is not far off. and to make things worst, it rains. not the 'raindrops falling on your head' kind of rain. think horrid, painful, sharp drops of rain. the kind that hurts you when you're running for shelter. the kind that makes it so hard to drive coz you cant see anything in front of you. needless to say the mood in the car wasnt exactly a new year end's partay mood. it was more of 'make one bit of sound and i'll bite your head off' mood. i even call friends to ask where was the nearest petrol station from midvalley. such was desperation. that was me.

and yet, somehow, miraculously even, we reached the station. even with the airconditioning on, there was never the need to start pushing the car. oh the trouble i would have gone to if we had stalled! imagine pushing a car in the pouring rain! i cannot.

i wonder if its a rule parents HAVE to adhere to. Rule 101 : Love your children despite of everything they do. They can drive you crazy, they may cause massive hypertension (depression even) but no matter what YOU MUST FORGIVE THEM AND LOVE THEM.
Thank you Lord for that rule.
It is the reason I'm still alive.

ps:however, i later found out from kor woi & liling that a proton still can go quite a distance because of the spare fuel in the car. for that, i no longer think malaysian made cars are stoopid.

on a serious note, yes i realized the extent of my foolish forgetfulness. I cant believe God cares even for the little little things. There's so much bigger things happening out there. but for him to care about me. even such a minute matter.. i cannot believe it!

well,i'm in subang at the moment. my phone's gone MIA.. i shall not say that it wasnt my fault, because em, it was. and the phone story..is a long one.

anyway, staying in holiday villa tonight. nearer for us to go to sjmc for the brother's scans and more doctor visits. mum mentioned that the room we're staying in brings back lot of memories. i cannot agree more. we were just here eleven months ago yet it feels like years ago. the nights spent with aunties and cousins all crammed in one room. tho the nights were filled with dread and tears, we were together. and somehow we've made it this far.

everyone has their it-moment. that exact moment where they realize life was not all smooth sailing. that moment when we learn that we were never in control. that moment when all is shattered and you are left broken and battered. When you feel weak and useless. that moment that you wish you could just be left for dead because you just cant handle the pain anymore. 

you look for the nearest exit. 

you welcome the numbness. you just plain want out. that moment most of us have already gone through but yes, many may not understand because you see, you need to experience that moment yourself in order to get what i mean. for me, i cant point out exactly when my moment was. i find myself tracing a timeline of the different things that have tremendously impacted my life...

and yes, back to this room in holiday villa. memories so alive it feels like yesterday when everyone was here. aunties, uncles, cousins - family. I think i speak the truth when i say KongKong did not deserve to leave so soon. Kong, you had Chilles coming and Jessica was there. Wan and Yew was there. Your mum and dad were there. we all were there. waiting. i cannot forget the time you shared with us your dream. the one where you saw Jesus with a sniper shooting away at the cancer. we somehow believed that it was gone. that you'd be home. that you'd still be here. with the lame jokes, the teasing and such. Chilles.. we knew you wanted to see him. we knew you fought and fight well you did. did i mention earlier we learn to accept that we're never in control? its not easy. but you get through it. eventually. they miss you do you know? Kong, they do. they're stronger now. 11 months.. there is strength. there is now colour. there are smiles and genuine laughter. they are tired but they are together. they are fighting the fight. they are finishing the race. strength drawn from him.

but i wonder, can things change so easily? i hear divorce i hear pain. i hear death i hear fear. i hear of things happening that should not be happening. i hear of families breaking apart. i hear of lives scarred. is it really worth the race? is the character building worth it all? is the fight that the apostle Paul told us about amount to anything? We fight the good fight but can we really keep the faith? Can we emerge victorious? question after question..

ah, but tis such complicated nonsense natasha! why care about such headachy things. study, finish med school and work. whats so hard?

ah, you see, i discovered something a while back. and its kept me alive, its kept me sane, its kept me clinging to the cross, its kept me grounded, its kept my heart beating.

for me to live is Christ.

life without a God who loves you and cares for you is a life not worth living.

thats what I believe in anyway.

so yep, bring in the pain. bring in the tears.

i will get through this. and you know what? so will you.

'... No matter how far you are I'm near...'

as much as i know that i do not know much about the universe.. i know now that this guy is just a glimpse. a peek perhaps? an example. a rough idea. of that someone else out there. I.need.to.get.that.

much to learn. much to accept. much to ignore. to grow or not to grow? to fall and cry or get right up and start again! 

the unexpected happened today. He cares enough to want to see the surprise on our faces. he longs to put that smile there. He never gets bored of it! haha. my brother's in kl at the moment with yours truly. brought him to vista.. let him see for himself uni life (not that there's much of it now because its the hols lol) drove back at 12midnight with bro singing along jiwangy/crazy songs. only my brother can see me like that and still love me. he has to. its the rule. you have to tahan your sister as annoying or stupid she looks. haha but yea, we make a good pair with the right songs haha. Mum, him and I might find the hospital on Wed. he needs another check up. another chance perhaps of no surgery? 

yes Lord, you can.

'..My dear, we're slowing dancing in a burning room..'

i wonder how these fingers would feel entwined in yours.

just a thought.

“at the end of the day there are just some things that you can’t help but talk about. some things we just don’t want to hear, and some things we say because of the pain so great that it blocks out everything else.. makes the rest of the world fade away… until all that we can talk about is how much we hurt. how we manage our pain is up to us. for pain we anesthesize, ride it out, we embrace it, ignore it. and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is just to push through it….” - Grey’s Anatomy

'...so when you're near me darling can't you hear me.. SOS..'

a million apologies for the slight absence.. This girl has been tied up with post exam activities and of course, she's loving every bit of it! hehe

first things first, she doesnt know if you guys noticed but her blog template has been changing for the past 2 days! haha. yep yep, it has and for now, the current one is staying until she has learns how to change it. for that she has her cousin to thank.. 

sank u sayang :)

haha. okay, well, Miel is my mum's twin's daughter. hence = cousin. for more times than I can keep count on, we've been mistaken as sisters and i dont know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing : /  she's 8 this year and she blogs, people. she blogs! 

okay em, thats not really true. she's not 8. but haha! i can imagine the gasps i got on that. lol.

well, I've had crazy times with this cuckoo thing. every fibre of her being is in love with korean dramas. she is gifted with the ability to imitate a korean. imagine walking randomly around orchard road and talking nonsensical rubbish. ah, the things that amuse us!  haha. she's very passionate about the things she loves and its a favourite pasttime of mine to tease her mercilessly muahahaa. (yes, natasha has finally revealed her evil side) she's a rather emo kid (whats with the younger generation now?! KIDS these days!) lol with dimples anyone would kill for. oh, and she's grown up quite a bit.. gone were the Hello Kitty days and all pink themes (good riddance!). she loves her friends to bits and her gila-ness is very addictive - I kid you not! oh, and we both have intense passion for.. FOOD. AND she's willing to sit down for hours (ahem) and spend her precious holiday time finding proper templates for her wonderful cousin.. haha. sank u again dear

I could go on but I'd rather not promote my cousin anymore. haha. she's still young. still innocent. (HAHA) of course, she is still and forever will be, loved :)

well, in another note, I'm still in KL at the moment 'tho its already been 10 days since my results came out. I have yet to find enough words to express how great and real my God is. 

'seems like I always fall short 

of bein worthy 
Cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me'    -  The Singing Temptations. 

its been a journey.. learning about his grace. its not been easy, mind you. I've had my share of grief, pain, hurt, anger, denial but yea, its been full of ups as well. embracing the fact that she's fearfully and wonderfully made, discovering his abundant grace, mercy and love. 

'..It kinda makes you wanna break into song..'  - I love the whole world, The Discovery Channel

well, contrary to popular belief, I have no notion to get married anytime soon nor am I avoiding home. I'm pretty much contented in my room. with stuff to do.

Was caught up earlier this week with preparing for CF, christmas decoration (the atrium is looking very very pretty now hehe) and visiting my grandma. I had my first shot at cutting syrofoam with the special hot-wire-syrofoam-cutter-thingy. and yes, it took a bit of practice for my uber shaky hands but for now, surgery's not in my list. agh. 

Realized papa gave me a family here in IMU. had crazy, crazy time with Jacelyn & Christy. laughed so much amongst snowflakes and stars. of crawling and kungfu-ing? haha. until tummy pain. yes yes, the joys of having crazy people as sisters :)

even Sabby baby. haha. someone described here in 2 words - squeaky and nice. nicely squeaky? squeakily nice? crazy crazy sis of mine. big heart. pure heart :)

For I’ve been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I’ll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal to the grace by which I stand  - In Christ Alone, Brian Littrel

sudden burst of cuteness

this is what kids would ask God.

so cute!

if only we were that innocent 

'.. Adrift on your ocean floor, I feel weightless, numb and sore..'

they went to kundasang.. without me.

'.. Some hearts, they just get all the right breaks..'

she's puzzled.

it is not that out prayers are not answered, it is that we do not accept the answer.

-kosti tolonen

but. why?

When life knocks you to your knees, and it will, why get up?
If it knocks you to your knees again, as it will, well, isn't that the best position from which to pray? - Ethel Barrymore


I have no words to describe how grateful i am for a God who not only heals,
but forgives and loves me. Despite of all my shortcomings, all my mistakes, all my faithlessness, my doubts, Lord, you were still there.


Things have been weird. i feel, well, lost. today was nevertheless a good day. woke up with determination to clean the apartment (after much procrastination!) and have a bit of me time..
not much of that happening yet but yea, a week of alone time!
my housemates have left for home and the family's coming next week, hopefully.
its funny how it doesn't bother me anymore to have a plan. an itinerary?
haha. this girl's learning to live day by day.


with just. enough. light.

'... Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright...'

Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet.

this is her being honest. no strings attached. no hiding di sebalik batu.

you see, she's human.

somewhere along the journey she saw him. at first she thought no more of him.

those short conversations meant nothing.

blame the exam stress, blame the sad state of IMU.

but somehow it came to

'..I don't know how you do what you do

I'm so in love with you..'

shoot me now, please.

found by you

Its always been a mystery to me,
How two hearts can come together,
And love can last forever.
But now that I have found you I believe,
That a miracle has come when God sends the perfect one.
So gone are all my questions about why,
And i've never been so sure of anything in my life

Never have I been to a more emotional, more intimate, more God centered wedding.

When Shaun sang to his bride walking down that aisle at that garden,

you knew instantly that it was no ordinary wedding.

rose petals and candles illuminating the walkway; tears and laughter echoing around.

Jo, my amazing, amazing sister is married. :)

I look at them and I know our God loves us.

one thing i know, there's no need to pine and wait or look for the 'right' person.

what use is 'another half'' if we're not complete in our own God?

If our relationship with him is nonexistent?

We delight in him first. We seek him first.

Its not easy. But its do-able. With him.

'...urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory'
I Thes 2:12

why he's awesome

Be still, My child, and know that I am God!
Wait thou patiently—I know the path you trod.
So falter not, nor fear, nor think to run and hide,
For I, thy hope and strength, am waiting by thy side. —Hein

Thank you, Papa.

of rainbows and pots of golds

been up and about lately, scurrying from one place to another. its been uplifting,
to be able to finally sleep! special thank u for your prayers :) of falling asleep and accidents?
I've learnt my lesson!


so much has happened, so much has changed, lives turned, friendships broken?
friendships mended. its a journey..
a long one. at times when I was on the verge of just giving up and contemplated just sitting down and not moving,
someone always seemed to come along to give that push. that pull.
that iknowyoucandothis smile, the i-love-you hugs.
the all familiar buzz of the phone signaling an sms.
All show one thing. He is real.
He doesnt have to reveal himself majestically from the clouds.
He's here in them, through them.


was in genting a few days back with a few friends.
Left my camera with my dad so no pictures here. lol.
but like I said to a few people earlier, what happened in genting STAYS IN GENTING!
agh. memories I'll be keeping for the next few centuries :)
we left to genting by bus from pudu and it was raining when we got there!
agh! so the outdoor theme park was closed - unfortunately.
ended up bringing out the inner child in us, reminiscing over the lost childhood years..
with ferris wheels, bumper cars & cotton candy!
went romantic with the notsoromantic so-called venice gondolas.
making wishes and hitting bells. Of pranks and dares? my lips are sealed :x


of dates and shopping?
"Life without a friend is like death without a witness." cling, i heart you! haha

of rainbows after a storm. i have always admired how strong some people can be.

they have that sense of balance.

being able to juggle everything, taking everything in no questions asked.

whatever comes their way its always a confirmed 'thisisGod'swill' yet I always seem to falter. there's always the whys and the hows. i want that strength.

take courage guys, because i learnt to let go and let God.

wait, scrap that. I'm learning. still. to let go, let God do what he wants.

my cousin shared this to me last time. I remember exactly what he said, 'to let go is not about giving up when you think you've tried everything and exhausted every possibility there is. letting go and letting God is about doing everything to your best capacity knowing that in the end, he holds the reins-not you. his name will be glorified.'

so yea, its always easier said than done but gonna let go and let God.

whatever the results are next friday, He is still Lord. :')

a friend reminded me once in mms - put on your seatbelt and let Jesus do the driving. so yea,

i dont wanna drive anymore. :)