Waiting.. waiting on the world to change.

summary of today - Scandalous tattoos (AHEM), family time & shoes! heels? i like! :)

almost went out of petrol last night. dad was driving and the needle was bout 0.001mm away from the E. scary way to live dont you think? sitting at the edge of your seat, with the crazy notion that something bad is about to happen. you're just wondering when the engine exhausts every drop of petrol and just stops. there is a feeling of uneasiness. a feeling of fear even! a mixture of dread, regret & panic starts to brew.

you feel like suffocating. 

your heart starts beating so fast, you wonder if an MI is not far off. and to make things worst, it rains. not the 'raindrops falling on your head' kind of rain. think horrid, painful, sharp drops of rain. the kind that hurts you when you're running for shelter. the kind that makes it so hard to drive coz you cant see anything in front of you. needless to say the mood in the car wasnt exactly a new year end's partay mood. it was more of 'make one bit of sound and i'll bite your head off' mood. i even call friends to ask where was the nearest petrol station from midvalley. such was desperation. that was me.

and yet, somehow, miraculously even, we reached the station. even with the airconditioning on, there was never the need to start pushing the car. oh the trouble i would have gone to if we had stalled! imagine pushing a car in the pouring rain! i cannot.

i wonder if its a rule parents HAVE to adhere to. Rule 101 : Love your children despite of everything they do. They can drive you crazy, they may cause massive hypertension (depression even) but no matter what YOU MUST FORGIVE THEM AND LOVE THEM.
Thank you Lord for that rule.
It is the reason I'm still alive.

ps:however, i later found out from kor woi & liling that a proton still can go quite a distance because of the spare fuel in the car. for that, i no longer think malaysian made cars are stoopid.

on a serious note, yes i realized the extent of my foolish forgetfulness. I cant believe God cares even for the little little things. There's so much bigger things happening out there. but for him to care about me. even such a minute matter.. i cannot believe it!

well,i'm in subang at the moment. my phone's gone MIA.. i shall not say that it wasnt my fault, because em, it was. and the phone story..is a long one.

anyway, staying in holiday villa tonight. nearer for us to go to sjmc for the brother's scans and more doctor visits. mum mentioned that the room we're staying in brings back lot of memories. i cannot agree more. we were just here eleven months ago yet it feels like years ago. the nights spent with aunties and cousins all crammed in one room. tho the nights were filled with dread and tears, we were together. and somehow we've made it this far.

everyone has their it-moment. that exact moment where they realize life was not all smooth sailing. that moment when we learn that we were never in control. that moment when all is shattered and you are left broken and battered. When you feel weak and useless. that moment that you wish you could just be left for dead because you just cant handle the pain anymore. 

you look for the nearest exit. 

you welcome the numbness. you just plain want out. that moment most of us have already gone through but yes, many may not understand because you see, you need to experience that moment yourself in order to get what i mean. for me, i cant point out exactly when my moment was. i find myself tracing a timeline of the different things that have tremendously impacted my life...

and yes, back to this room in holiday villa. memories so alive it feels like yesterday when everyone was here. aunties, uncles, cousins - family. I think i speak the truth when i say KongKong did not deserve to leave so soon. Kong, you had Chilles coming and Jessica was there. Wan and Yew was there. Your mum and dad were there. we all were there. waiting. i cannot forget the time you shared with us your dream. the one where you saw Jesus with a sniper shooting away at the cancer. we somehow believed that it was gone. that you'd be home. that you'd still be here. with the lame jokes, the teasing and such. Chilles.. we knew you wanted to see him. we knew you fought and fight well you did. did i mention earlier we learn to accept that we're never in control? its not easy. but you get through it. eventually. they miss you do you know? Kong, they do. they're stronger now. 11 months.. there is strength. there is now colour. there are smiles and genuine laughter. they are tired but they are together. they are fighting the fight. they are finishing the race. strength drawn from him.

but i wonder, can things change so easily? i hear divorce i hear pain. i hear death i hear fear. i hear of things happening that should not be happening. i hear of families breaking apart. i hear of lives scarred. is it really worth the race? is the character building worth it all? is the fight that the apostle Paul told us about amount to anything? We fight the good fight but can we really keep the faith? Can we emerge victorious? question after question..

ah, but tis such complicated nonsense natasha! why care about such headachy things. study, finish med school and work. whats so hard?

ah, you see, i discovered something a while back. and its kept me alive, its kept me sane, its kept me clinging to the cross, its kept me grounded, its kept my heart beating.

for me to live is Christ.

life without a God who loves you and cares for you is a life not worth living.

thats what I believe in anyway.

so yep, bring in the pain. bring in the tears.

i will get through this. and you know what? so will you.