In the end we conserve only what we love

And we will only understand what we are thought.

*Something I wrote on Saturday..

Yesterday was a rather down day for me. In fact, I didn't realize I've been having a lot of those days until a certain chili padi pointed it out yesterday.

'You seem to always emo ah'

haha. I prefer the term 'always emotional about stuff.'

A penny for your thoughts? Is it okay to get a penny for my thoughts instead? haha.

with advice from miss chili padi, i'll write them down. not emo poems. but my thoughts.

I don't think I wanna burn them tho.

:)

A year and a day ago.

I remember waking up early in the morning. the parents had already left the day before. It seemed that he hadn't gotten better. So they left to kl. I really wanted to go as well la. But I assumed I'd just see him the following week or something whe

n we left to kl.

the call came in the morning. 10am?11? or was it 9? He went home.

Yew, I'm sorry, I don't remember the time.

Then my thoughts went back a few years. I was trying to remember stuff about you. they were all very vague at this point.

I remember him pulling the trousers of all the other little boys. haha. (and my brother was no exception! hehe) He was the older one. The guy everyone looked up too by us younger cousins. dont remember tho how old we were. But we were happy. He had morbid fun tho. involving pinching the little ones and making fun of us til we cried. Something my late grandfather did as well. good naturedly la of course. our mum's will always pretend to scold him and my granddad, with the intention of making us feel better. we always got rewarded with

sweets afterward for crying. explains the round shape now i suppose.

I was, hmm, 9 years old? 10?

I remember him asking yours truly and my dad to emcee his wedding reception. was so afraid I'd ruin the evening! I did it anyway. It went well. He said thank you even though I couldn't stop the family from going on stage over and over again to sing. I'm guessing

that's why people so many people left after the 19th encore.

I remember the wedding. in one of those old churches in kk. the one with the stained glass on the walls and ceilings. There was this arch of flowers. I remember thinking, 'I'm gonna have red daisies and white roses for mine.' and you know what, I still do. Probably just daisies tho. I like daisies :) Everyone who's watched You've Got Mail will know why :)

I remember seeing the bride walking in. I remember there were loads of smiles. But I can't remember how you were faring. everyone's attention is always on the bride, no? never on the groom til she reaches him. we should pay more attention to the groom next time.

I remember wondering why Wan and Sheena got to wear cute pink dresses. and why I wasn't asked to :(

I remember the most random stuff.

Fast track to 2007 and I remember finishing an exam paper and heading back to Klang for Diwali. I remember eating rojak. or was it popiah? when my aunty asked 'how is your cousin doing? do you know he is sick?' I assumed he was hospitalised because of some minor matter. I remember not thinking much about it. Even when I saw him that night I do not remember seeing anything that could have indicated the extent of his pain.

For those of you reading this far, thanks for bearing with me. I'm not that good of a writer :)

The extent of his disease didn't hit me even after my uncle and aunty came that following week. Cancer to me was something we could treat in this century, no?

4th stage - well, it was just a number, wasn't it?

I remember seeing him smile. That familiar smirk appeared. He was going to be fine. They gave him a month but I knew my God was mighty to save.

A month came, a month passed. Then two months. We proved the doctors wrong! He was going to be fine.

He was going to be fine dammit. he was.

I remember his dream. That dream he had when he was in UH. He told my dad he saw Jesus with a sniper shooting away at the cancer. He even drew it in a little black book.

We knew we needed a miracle. In our minds we were sure of a miracle.

But you know, God works in mysterious ways. Its so cliche but its true - His ways are higher than ours. His thoughts are far better than our own.

Its when the night is the darkest that light shines the brightest.

Blaming God came easier than expected. If he was real he would've done something. Why did he not heal him? Then it hit home. God loved him enough to want to take him first, no? There is always beauty in the broken.. There's that hope even after death that helps deal with things. Tears may come but you know what, the joy comes in the mourning. because no matter what happened, he is still God. the author and perfector of our faith.. The creator of the universe. He's huge :/

Heal him he did not. but save him he did. I may have not been there to witness things first hand, but I know he fought with all his heart. he did his best. and I believe it came to a point where he surrendered everything to his Papa. And he went home.

There's so much I don't understand! And I don't think I ever will.

but he is still Lord.

Life still goes on.

Life goes on with purpose.

Life runs with ambition, goals and dreams all tucked along the way.

one year later I'm done with first year. Caught up with studies, moving house, family and everything else. Have my thoughts on him changed? Has my path changed lanes? Am I the person I would like to be? I'd like to think that we've got to live everyday with true meaning. Do something worthwhile. Say something nice. Take a break. Study fervently.

I remember my cousin as someone who lived live to the fullest. He had been to more places around the world at his young age than most people twice his age. Laughter was true medicine for him. He knew smiles cost anything. He went the extra mile. (I remember one time he sent my brother and i back to Klang at midnight. even when he didn't have to..) heh.

Achilles will be one year old soon. I remember him having an argument with my cousin Kak Lina. 'Kenapa bah kau mau kasi nama anakmu Achilles. nanti kei pergi sekolah kena buli habis!' We thought he was joking about the name. But now I can't imagine him with any other name. To think he chose the name because he liked Brad Pitt in Troy. Very amusing, no? But that was Aaron! haha. he had a sense of humor.

so if there's one thing I could say to everyone..

please laugh more. smile more. stop holding on to the past. stop tormenting yourself with grudges dammit

and laugh. :)

A year has gone, but his memory? its still real.. still real.