Your light will shine when all else fails

Such mixed feelings as the day came to an end. Amazed at what a wonderful God I have and realized that through him indeed all blessings flow. Even with so much doubt he is still able to shine his light. I am more than blessed. Too grateful for words for a sustaining Abba, a faithful Father - the one who has never let go despite of my constant breakdowns and shaky faith. To have great parents who have been hugely supportive is an added gift. They never fail to remind me of that greater picture.

Lord, you are faithful.

At the same time, this feeling of leaving won't go away. Not much of sadness but perhaps a melancholic reaction with today being the 'official' last day of IMU. No more familiar faces around the university. Everyone headed to a different direction. Well, it's still the same journey they began with, only this time in a new path. This past two and a half years with our paths converging has been a great one, with ups and downs. Friendships gained and friendships lost. Hearts broken and hearts mended. Spirits weak and then strengthened. *sigh* Its been a great journey and it can only can better.

I am, thankful. and happy. He has a great plan for us. Why is it so easy to forget that at times? Reminds me of an old song they used to play in church..

It's good to remember the goodness of God..

Its back to Captivating (again) for now.

A quote from the previous book - "Though we may fear the test, at the same time we yearn to be tested, to discover that we have what it takes." - John Eldredge, Wild at Heart. It is worth the read for guys AND the girls :)

Blue skies are calling

Thanks to brilliant recommendation by the kukuthing, top of the list of things to do after exam results are -

1. Have Disney Marathon.

2. Watch

a. Lord of the Rings.

b. Glee

c. Grey's Anatomy

3. to be decided

Notice the first few is all about sitting myself down in front of the idiot box and not moving for at least 20 hours? NICE!

:D

Hold me in your arms, never let me go.

I give up. I'm falling back into your arms and holding on desperately. And I'm not ashamed to admit it.

I know that it is finished :)

It is known among my fellow friends that I may have a sleeping problem. (it's not really much of a problem now with exams nearby. haha) And a few have pointed out the negative effects of resorting to medication. In fact, dear tongsampah pointed out that this lack of sleep could be self inflicted.

I would like to point out that I am in no way depressed, suicidal and stressed to the extent of it affecting my sleep. Perhaps, yes, I was devastated for that few weeks, but for now, I just am, nocturnal I suppose. There's this sense of peace nightfall brings me though lately I've just been getting sleepy earlier and earlier.

I have no idea what this post is about. Just wanted to put something new up to celebrate the new layout. whee :)

eos ETA 7 days? 8 days? ah heck. its coming soon. And, learning something new about him everyday. Like how dear papa wakes you up refreshed and alert to study. That though you're tired and easily distracted, he leads you beside the still water and renews your strength. Faith he brings to the lost. Hope, he brings to the hopeless.

I am, blessed. and forever grateful.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Phil 4:6-7

Thank you

Ever felt so caught up in things around you that you forget the bigger picture? You see, He's got the whole world in His hands. And yes, panic might have kicked in for a second. The worries there for for awhile now. But how can I ever forget my God who is so big, so strong and so mighty there's nothing my God cannot do ;)



Just a little while longer I wanna pray
Can't get You off my mind so I came to say
Thank You Lord just for loving me
Many times as I do forget
Every need that You have met
Oh thank You Lord, I know You're showing me
You are there when I am down and out
You're holding me, Your love is so amazing
Oh it changed me

I'm having trouble sleeping

Why's it always you and never me
I've never dared to let my feelings free

BLEGH.

the Brown Woman is right, blogging, is therapeutic.

Even if its nonsensical rubbish, its my rubbish. MY rubbish. so there.

i'm blue dabadeedooo

Even after 2 EOSs, I wonder why I STILL PUT MYSELF through it. its a horrible, nasty feeling.

But we will get through.

We will be cute little future healthcare professionals :)

because we're already HALF WAY THERE dammit. at least, we're almost half way there.

itsonlyanothersteppingstonenatasha,itsonlyanothersteppingstone.

I don't deserve this.

Thought to ponder - Christianity. a response to His Grace, not a reaction to His Wrath.

One scarred hand to the other

Someone asked me this today.

'What makes you a woman?'

'Your everything.' She answered her own question and I had to smile. She was engrossed in reading Captivating and I saw the light in her eyes. It had hit her. She was special. A woman of God. A woman loved. That smile said a lot.

Somehow, suddenly, that painful pit in your stomach just goes away. Perhaps somehow, she was right.

Maybe this awful feeling will go away.

I wonder, is this how He feels when we turn our backs on him? When we stop calling? When we decide we don't want to see or talk to Him. When we delete Him from our lives?

So much to learn. Too much unwilling hearts.

Like a rose that never blooms

Its been awhile since the last post. And somehow, dear blog, you were not missed. Til the time came for somewhere to rant. Or cry. You were here all this while, weren't you? You knew I'd be back :')

Nothing much of importance. Insignificant. A promise made. The new path began. But somehow, a little slip. A slight lost of balance. Next thing I knew, I was falling. (yes I know, 'tis so very cheesy)

I did something wrong. Lost focus? Lost direction.

Lord, lead me back.

Somehow.

Do you not know?

Just my two cents' worth. The holidays, is making me cynical.

I don't wanna miss a thing

Been stuck in the go between lately of my own wants versus my needs of surrendering to him. Staring at the 30 choices with 6 different ends of the earth, she remembers the weekend when a new acquaintance pointed out the verse long put away in the attic.

Prov 16:9 A man’s heart deviseth his way: but the LORD directeth his steps.

He doesn't realize how much that one verse tugged the chords of this heart. To know he has a plan and act upon it is not easy. Decisions still need to be made. Answers still need to be submitted.

Will he send me to Australia? Will I be soaking in the amazing sceneries of Scotland or will I be stuck in gloomy London weather?

For his ways are always higher.. Perhaps he does know what he's doing, no? ;)

Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we respond to it. Attitude is the single most significant decision I make each day - Charles Swindoll

Prov 19:21 There are many devices in a man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the LORD, that shall stand.

Ker'na semua yang baik dalam hidupku itulah karyamu

Mengabdikan hidupku sesuai rencanaMu.

To give my upmost for his highest is to turn down so much of how I think, of how I feel. If things were my way, I imagine it would not be such a great world. I'm still too selfish that way. I'm trying to step through that door. You know, the door with life involving both pitfalls and blessings with a whole lot of surrender on the other side.

The amazing thing is that He never pushes. He'll bring you in front of this door again and again. Its you with the decision to make. Total surrender.

Step through it and you may not feel all that different. You'll probably be the same person you are now. But the purpose of your life will have changed. Stepping through the door doesn't change you - it does, however, change everything you're heading toward from this point on.

It means breaking the husk of my individual independence of God, and the emancipating of my personality into oneness with Himself, not for my own ideas, but for absolute loyalty to Jesus.

-Oswald Chambers.

I have hit the insomniac button again yet not much is being accomplished. As always, the fault lies in the same place. I wonder though, it is possible to not care? To not let the situation overwhelm or break you down.

ah well, study time. nerd mode:ON. Reproductive system seem to haunt even my dreams.

'Coz all I need is you

Psalm 27:4 - The one thing I ask of the Lord— the thing I seek most— is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord’s perfections and meditating in his Temple.

Oh, to be still. To forget and press on. To surrender. To be for a cause. To be sold out. To not care. To feel. To be in and not of! Tis something I still struggle with. Feeling of apathy. Superficiality. Priorities needing readjustment. Oh the flesh!

To get back on track.

To live life knowing its all about him.

To the unseen path, knowing his light is just enough.

All i have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all i have not seen

- Ralph Waldo Emerson (Something I got from a dear sister. Sabby, you cease to amaze me. the epitome of surrender. i love you much!)

could you take me beyond, could you carry me through?

sigh. Waking up to 'There's a cry in my heart for your glory to fall.. for Your presence to fill up my senses. There's a yearning again, a thirst for discipline. A hunger for things that are deeper.' Ah yes, that feeling for something greater. that yearning oh Lord for your name to be lifted high! Yet that fear of failure, that fear that you won't make it still crawls in even when you know he's got you. No one ever said the road would be easy.

I told myself this time it would be different. I want to achieve so much! And yet at times I settle for so little. There is so much to be done and Robert Frost put it best -
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

I feel incompetent more and more everyday. And surprise, surprise, its not the medical books causing the nauseating episodes.

All those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruising knees

20nd of September - exactly 2 months from my last post. Its a good day to revive a blog, is it not? I shalt trieth hardereth. To bringeth joy and flowers and sunshine to this blog with of course, one or two dark and twisty posts in between...

I shalt starteth getting back on track. To routine? To that which is constant? Sometimes I wish I'm done riding this roller coaster. You never know when that deep plunge is gonna take place. You just have to have faith that you won't fall forward. That the seat belts will do their job. That the feeling of falling over is just a feeling, and nothing else. Just a feeling. A terrible feeling. An exhilarating feeling. But still only a feeling.

You won't fall. and to make it even better, throughout the whole ride, you get your adrenaline rush.

Better than the riches of this world

I'm on my way
I promise you that I won't be long
I just called
Called you to say
I miss every little little moment
without you

And I can't wait
For us to be alone.
I'm almost in your arms.
I'm coming home.

That's right people, after a grueling 16 hour flightcummoviemarathon. she has only 4 more hours to Malaysian soil! she misses Malaysian food. HongKong food is yucky - just my 2 cents worth :)

These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray

Even with Starbucks everywhere, this girl's been having trouble accessing the net.. agh. She just found out today there's been wireless in the hotel room she's in but realizes its too late.

Crazy times. God-given wonderful blessed times. I wish I could record every second of it!

BUT, the place is stinky & congested. Its been pretty much a love hate relationship with the city :/

Anyway, this short post is to let everyone know that yes, SHE IS ALIVE. mwahahah

and as much as she loves this part of the world, she can't wait to go back :)

We'll get lost together until the light comes pouring through

Life is funny. Little things everywhere. Whether you notice them or not. Can make your day. Can put a smile on your face :)

little things. pretty nice little things like beautiful sunsets. cool weather. bear hugs. good food.

even the notsonicethings. like 19 hour flights. and bad flus & headaches :'( why are they nice? because there's always light at the end of the tunnel.

good times. it makes everything better.

3 more days...

3 hari lagi...

awayfromeverything.

He is Lord, He is Lord

Sings my soul, He is Lord.

And he lives, yes he lives.

Here in my life

There are times I wonder what I'm doing and why I'm here. Why the sleepless nights and the anxiety thinking if I'll make it this time. I wonder if I will ever make a good doctor. To deal with real lives in your hands. I wonder why it has to be so hard. Sometimes it feels like I should be doing something easier. Something I know I'll be good at.

Then I start wondering about you. I wonder how you love me. Despite the insecurities and the imperfections. Despite how low things get. You love me. Even after everything. Something I cannot understand.

He loves ME. He wants to bless me. Why is it easy to run back in his arms and fall in love with him all over again? I don't deserve any of this. There's no more shame, nor guilt nor tears or pain. He's never given up on me. I don't plan to give up just yet.

I have never walked on water

Felt the waves beneath my feet but

At your Word Lord, I’ll receive Your

Faith to walk on oceans deep

And I remember how You found me:

In that very same place

All my failing surely would've drowned me

But You made a way

You are my freedom

Jesus you’re the reason

I’m kneeling again at Your throne

Where would I be without You

Here in my life, here in my life?

You have said that all the heavens

Sing for joy at one who finds

The way to freedom, truth of Jesus

Bought from death into His life

And I remember how You saw me:

Through the eyes of Your grace

And though the cost was Your beloved for me

Still you made a way