All those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruising knees

20nd of September - exactly 2 months from my last post. Its a good day to revive a blog, is it not? I shalt trieth hardereth. To bringeth joy and flowers and sunshine to this blog with of course, one or two dark and twisty posts in between...

I shalt starteth getting back on track. To routine? To that which is constant? Sometimes I wish I'm done riding this roller coaster. You never know when that deep plunge is gonna take place. You just have to have faith that you won't fall forward. That the seat belts will do their job. That the feeling of falling over is just a feeling, and nothing else. Just a feeling. A terrible feeling. An exhilarating feeling. But still only a feeling.

You won't fall. and to make it even better, throughout the whole ride, you get your adrenaline rush.

Better than the riches of this world

I'm on my way
I promise you that I won't be long
I just called
Called you to say
I miss every little little moment
without you

And I can't wait
For us to be alone.
I'm almost in your arms.
I'm coming home.

That's right people, after a grueling 16 hour flightcummoviemarathon. she has only 4 more hours to Malaysian soil! she misses Malaysian food. HongKong food is yucky - just my 2 cents worth :)

These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray

Even with Starbucks everywhere, this girl's been having trouble accessing the net.. agh. She just found out today there's been wireless in the hotel room she's in but realizes its too late.

Crazy times. God-given wonderful blessed times. I wish I could record every second of it!

BUT, the place is stinky & congested. Its been pretty much a love hate relationship with the city :/

Anyway, this short post is to let everyone know that yes, SHE IS ALIVE. mwahahah

and as much as she loves this part of the world, she can't wait to go back :)

We'll get lost together until the light comes pouring through

Life is funny. Little things everywhere. Whether you notice them or not. Can make your day. Can put a smile on your face :)

little things. pretty nice little things like beautiful sunsets. cool weather. bear hugs. good food.

even the notsonicethings. like 19 hour flights. and bad flus & headaches :'( why are they nice? because there's always light at the end of the tunnel.

good times. it makes everything better.

3 more days...

3 hari lagi...

awayfromeverything.

He is Lord, He is Lord

Sings my soul, He is Lord.

And he lives, yes he lives.

Here in my life

There are times I wonder what I'm doing and why I'm here. Why the sleepless nights and the anxiety thinking if I'll make it this time. I wonder if I will ever make a good doctor. To deal with real lives in your hands. I wonder why it has to be so hard. Sometimes it feels like I should be doing something easier. Something I know I'll be good at.

Then I start wondering about you. I wonder how you love me. Despite the insecurities and the imperfections. Despite how low things get. You love me. Even after everything. Something I cannot understand.

He loves ME. He wants to bless me. Why is it easy to run back in his arms and fall in love with him all over again? I don't deserve any of this. There's no more shame, nor guilt nor tears or pain. He's never given up on me. I don't plan to give up just yet.

I have never walked on water

Felt the waves beneath my feet but

At your Word Lord, I’ll receive Your

Faith to walk on oceans deep

And I remember how You found me:

In that very same place

All my failing surely would've drowned me

But You made a way

You are my freedom

Jesus you’re the reason

I’m kneeling again at Your throne

Where would I be without You

Here in my life, here in my life?

You have said that all the heavens

Sing for joy at one who finds

The way to freedom, truth of Jesus

Bought from death into His life

And I remember how You saw me:

Through the eyes of Your grace

And though the cost was Your beloved for me

Still you made a way

Its the last chance to feel again

with eos coming so so fast, the biggest question of this semester remains...

.

..

...

....

WHERE'S THE BEST PLACE FOR DIVING in kk? *sigh*

I don't know which one to choose. 

Or perhaps climbing mount K should be enough? i don't like kk anyway. haha

electives! our much awaited holidaycumhospitalattachment. Heard QEH is being demolished. Gah!

a thought : with cling, jl and the three dahlings, tis going to be an interesting 2 weeks indeed. :)

oh! (magic lecture notes appear out of thin air!) hello there tuberculosis. Its nice to meet you again. Would you like to stay for a cup of tea?

byebye :)

Going Nowhere

mwhahaahha. One of the funniest pick up lines I've heard so far.

Guy : Can I massage your feet? 
Girl : Why would I let you? 

Guy : Because they hurt. 
Girl : They do? 
Guy : You were running in my dreams all night.... Please have coffee with me. 

haha, Paris Je t'aime... myheartcanmelt :)

okay okay, back to the land of cvs and respi. 

kan bagus klu aku boleh lari pi france...

In weakness or trial or pain

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

:)

She's exhausted she's tired she's scared.

And yet, the sun still shines in the morning! There is still air in her lungs. There is still reason to live. She wonders. 

herGodisaGodwhoprovides. 

Breathe in, breathe out. 3 weeks. only.3.weeks.more.

"Me and all my friends, we're all misunderstood

With Ash having epiphanies of chocolate, I couldn't help but to join in. 

Addison in Private Practice said it perfectly - 'I'm avoiding being kissed. I'm gonna donate my lips to chocolate'

oh to turn down temptation >:(

After a rather weird conversation of  random updates, mindless chatter, it had to end with the usual whys and whatswrongwithyous.

I wonder why we've come to the stage where arguing is becoming routine. 

"Behind every argument is someone's ignorance."

- Louis D. Brandeis

The question is whose ignorance it is. Yours or mine?

"Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute."

- Josh Billings 

I'm keeping these lips sealed for now.

Somebody call 911

theres a cat meowing outside my apartment for the past one hour. I'm this close to throwing a rock at it :/

are cats edible? I wonder...

concentrate, natasha. concentrate!

hmm, why are there no stars in kl :( the sky's not even black. its greyish with a slight red-ish tint. stoopid pollution.

the CAT! still meowing.

focus natasha, focus!

creepy eye cat. yuck.

i wonder if I should go to sleep now.

where's your focus, woman!

gah, nontubercularinfectivediseaseofthelungs is silly.

creepy, meowing cats are silly.

silly girl.

Sing with your spirit, clap with your hands :)

The thrill of the chase. that strange feeling, that adrenaline rush through your system, your heart going ten times its pace every time you catch even a glimpse of him whom you are in pursuit of, that even the mere thought of him turns your knees to jelly. That need to find him. That desire to not let him go until he blesses you. 

I want that.

With the innerself in conflict. Oh, to turn down the flesh! To run. To pursue and seek only that.

His kingdom and his righteousness. cozeverythingelsewillbeaddeduntothat.

And, to starve what is not from him.

(somewhere in Montana - June '08) 

I remember as I stood there taking this picture, a verse just suddenly came to mind...

For you will go out with joy  And be led forth with peace;  The mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you,  And all the trees of the field will clap their hands. (Isaiah 55:12)

He deserves the best :)

I'm falling to pieces

The dream is fading, now I'm staring at the door
I know its over cause my feet have hit the cold floor
Check my reflection, I ain't feelin what I see
It's no mystery

How can you marry someone who doesn't love you? How can somebody be that selfish? :''( Why so much pain? so much heartache :(

hati saya sudah hancur

Natasha doesn't like lovetriangleswithsadendings

stoopid movie. stoopid movie! It should be banned for making people cry. *sigh*

yes, it won best cinematography yes it was splendid acting BUT its too depressing. sigh.

Legends of the Fall guys, absolutely brilliant movie. depressing movie. top 10 in my list BUT still ohsosad :(

Whatever happened to a passion I could live for
What became of the flame that made me feel more
And when did I forget that
I was made to love you

I travel the world and the seven seas

I have always had a complicated relationship with football. Despite the fact I grew up in a family with football crazy boys with the dad, brother, uncles and cousins always going kuku when it was time to see 20 grown men running around to get a ball with 2 other grown men making sure the ball didn't enter the net, I have never fallen in love with the game. Yes, I do find it interesting and yes, I don't find it torture to sit through an entire football match - but... I have never had that burning desire to support and root for a certain team. nor have I had that intense passion to get up at 4am in the morning just to see them in action... (for this I get a 'blek' by the wiseone)

However, the Barca vs Man Utd was a different story. I cannot describe that happy feeling I felt the moment Lionel Messi scored their second goal. Tho I think personally Man U played wonderfully well the first 10 minutes (I really thought they could win the whole thing), Barcelona practically stole the show the next 80 minutes. It was totally worth it to see Ronaldo getting frustrated minute by minute! mwahahaha. 2-0! I take joy in the little things thats annoying and killing others at this moment :)

Kini gemilang itu semakin pasti ku genggam...

Freely You gave it all for us
Surrendered Your life upon that cross
Great is the love
Poured out for all
This is our God
Lifted on high from death to life
Forever our God is glorified
Servant and King
Rescued the world
This is our God

Thank you Lord for a new day, for air to breathe, for a reason to live.

Its is Monday. It is a beautiful non-bluey blue Monday :) and and and - the birds are singing!

Anyone else in love with Breakfast at Tiffany's?

Paul Varjak: I love you.
Holly Golightly: So what.
Paul Varjak: So what? So plenty! I love you, you belong to me!
Holly Golightly: [tearfully] No. People don't belong to people.
Paul Varjak: Of course they do!
Holly Golightly: I'll never let ANYBODY put me in a cage.
Paul Varjak: I don't want to put you in a cage, I want to love you!

*sigh* loveyoldschoolmovies i like :)

Put your record on

I was having dinner with my extended family last night in this packed chinese restaurant in Bangsar Village when a thought hit me - Natasha, if someone were to suddenly collapse here in this room, would you know what to do? Do you remember cpr? Would you panic?

 yes, looks like its time to hunt those cpr notes down! I

Better is one day in his court than thousands elsewhere. Ps 84:10

I'm learning the art of surrender. To turn my eyes upon Jesus. No bargaining, no doubts. To trust him and let everything else become secondary. To place him where he's supposed to be.

And for me to be broken. Shattered. In pieces... And let the moulding begin.

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Refrain

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

Life is a maze and love is a riddle

I don't know where to go, can't do it alone

I've tried and I don't know why

I've been feeling much of an outcast

In fact, I enjoy the lonely moments really. 

But yea, to get back on track. 

Accountability.

I'm about to do something about it. so there.

All creation cries to you

A million apologies for the long hiatus! Evidently, studying and the internet for me just doesn't work. One exam down with the major one coming in 5 weeks and counting!

Today was a rather eventful day. Was woken up by a weird dream involving Mira, new SRC rooms, gyming and high staircases :/ Finally caught a movie with the coolkid and me thinks she's gonna want to not watch movies with me anymore :(

The one true thing I've been struggling a lot about is with trust. and love. Trust and love. I've been finding myself at a lost. Wondering whether I love him because I've been brought up in that environment, wondering whether its an 'all in my head' thing and basically wondering whether its real. whether this love, this faith, is real...

However, again and again, I find myself reminded of how real he is. of how he cares. that even as king, he wants a relationship, he longs to hear our voice. he still wants to our time. 

God's got perfect timing, really. Just when I was going through this tiny argument in my head, Daniel, in cf meeting shares about love. about joy. the simple things really. about joy and serving. To serve with your whole heart, to serve with joy. with love. no complains, to arguments. To serve a living King. :')

You see, its because he first loved us. That he died for my sins. That he IS the Alpha and Omega. I find myself forgetting that time after time. I find myself in a pit when trouble strikes but as Friedrich Nietzsche (a German philosopher with a cool name and even cooler moustache!! check it out here. mwhahaha) put it - "He who has a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'."

I've got my 'why' to live. so there.

Its time to continue the race, bearing every 'how' and 'what' and 'argh'!

Its a journey. Not an easy one, but its a journey I want to take.

One step at a time. learning, falling, getting up, walking. with him by my side, with him doing the steering. There's much to learn... to discover. 

I want that desperation. 

Here today and gone tomorrow

I can't do this on my own.

Realizing last night how much I still truly lack and knowing my own strength is insufficient... Makes it actually harder to believe in a God that's real, that's mighty to save. But then again, he's bigger than this.

There is just so much to learn.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bad may have a bitter taste
But sweet will be the flower. —Cowper

My Jesus, My Saviour

Cancer. 

The something you're convinced happens to random people. Not people you know. Those names in paper were just that - names. Statistics and prognostics that had nothing to do with me. Until, of course, it comes and surprises you with a knock on the head or with a kick on the shin. :/ 

Funny how the surprises keep on coming... again and again. 

Cancer. 

The something you learn in class. When you hear of it for real, you remember that one lecture note. The one about the prognosis. The one about the high mortality rate. And for a second, you hope upon hope that you remember wrongly. That there is a cure. That something can be done. That its just a hiccup. A bad dream perhaps? 

Stage 4.

It has to be a dream. The last time I heard this was less than 2 years ago. I thought, 'Lord, its impossible that you're letting this happen twice. Both also are people I know! Seriously?'

But, its real and its not going away. 

You learn to live. To live despite the pain. To live with that hopelessness. Knowing you can't do anything. Wait. What do you mean hopelessness?! There is hope! Hope in him. Knowing He can. That He is mighty to save. That he will pull us through. Its when the night is the darkest that light shines the brightest, no?

I have nothing to say at this moment but am reminded of a song... 'The same power that conquered the grave lives in me, lives in me. Your love that rescued the earth lives in me, lives in me.'

Religion's really not about a set of rules. Its a love story :')