"..Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you draw near?.."

(she is typing this in Room 317, sjmc at the moment thinking how awesome it is that there is the internet..=] )

O.0

Got a text from Kuku thing #1 aka Sharon singing Aretha Franklin's song 'Freedom'. When I heard her on the phone, her voice did not hide the joy she was feeling! i could feel the perasaan lega so clearly. and I could relate.

The feeling of finishing exams now is definitely not the same feeling we went through when we finished pmr or spm. surviving and finishing university exams are more exhilarating you could say. It gives you a sense of satisfaction. (though theres ALWAYS the dread of getting results). 

hmm. i'm bored talking about exams :/

i do miss my crazy cousins. Their crazy and infectious laughter. Their teasing. Sarah binks and kuku thing! i await your presence muahahah. ah to feast on sushi and curry.  i wait cannot!

another kuku fella came to visit today :) he's the skinny one with curly hair. he was missed. HAHA *cough*

well, forgive this extremely random post. I'm trying hard to stay awake and its apparently not working. :/

Nathanael is doing okay today. They've got him on physiotherapy for the next 8 days then its back home to Sabah for us. Therapy's not easy. He had to walk down and up the hospital stairs today. He's getting quite used to the crutches he'll be using for the next few months. With screws screwed to his knee and painkillers that are not really working, i just wish someone could take away the pain :/ i do, really. What happened to morphine? Cocaine perhaps?

amphetamine! ephedrine! penicillin! salbutamol! carbapenem! doxycycline! 

(em, these drugs have absolutely nothing to do with the previous paragraph. there was this sudden urge to shout drug names out. a very, very sudden urge. lol)

okay. she feels very very random now. 

she saw him again today. yep, him.

when the sun shone, i felt his touch. when the wind blew i felt his whisper. when they smile i see him. you see, their hugs show his love for me

my family is proof of him.

my friends they reflect him.

Christmas celebration is tomorrow and the reminder comes softly again.. -'..back to the heart of worship, cos it's all about you, all about Jesus. I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it. Coz it's all about you, all about you Jesus.'

As a great man of God said before

I will not go where your presence will not be.

signing off,

tired and sleepy yet wide awake.

How am I supposed to be with no air? No air.. no air..

Me baby brother's having his surgery at 3.30pm later. The Ortho surgeon came in and explained everything perfectly. The poor boy hasn't eaten since last night & its oh so tempting to taunt him about it! lol

But yes, its hard I know. I cannot imagine myself in his position.

Nathanael is strong. he is. 

He's stronger than me. not physically only. but in every other aspect. also, there is no clown like him. none i tell you!

a part of our conversation today :

Me : Why are you talking to yourself?

Nael : Because I'm bored.

o.0

another snippet

Nael : Chea, top up for me credit pls.

Sha : Ady.

Nael : Fuyo. 30 ringgit ar. walau. thnk u vry much.

Sha : spend wisely. no calling girlfriend all.

Nael : Insyallah.

yet another

Nael : why must wear hospital gown?

Sha : Because its the rule!

Nael : Can wear clothes inside?

Sha : Cannot! Its not the rules!

Nael : Can wear underwear?

Sha : I dont know. I dont think so. ask the nursela. - 'excuse me, can i wear my underwear?'.

Nael : Why must take out? Why? wwwwhhhyyyyyyyy?? I dont want. what they want to see??

Sha : *bursts out laughing*

: )

okay.. well i find it amusing anyway (even if no-one else does haha). 

ah the little things that amuse me.

we've been here in the hospital since 9.30am!! AGH The ortho surgeon was really nice. i wanna be as nice as him one day. : )

and and and!  they might have to remove his whole meniskus. 

i wonder if we can keep it.

Probably in a jar or something?

But its definitely better if they dont remove anything. Everything found there should be left there. Thanks for the prayers guys. My brother thanks you, i thank you :)

Ordinary people believe only in the possible. Extraordinary people visualize not what is possible or probable, but rather what is impossible. And by visualizing the impossible, they begin to see it as possible. - Cherie Carter-Scott

the art of losing myself

i need inspiration, stimulation, aspiration!

i need more than just a feeling

i need to know for sure.

i need to hear

i need to see

i need to know its you

i don't want to stand alone on Wednesday.

i need you.

A thousand times i've failed still your mercy remains

something from a devotion awhile back..

Make a joyful shout to the Lord, all you lands! —Psalm 100:1

Psalm 100 is one of the great songs of thanksgiving in the Bible. It calls us to realize that we belong to God our Maker (vv.3-4), and to praise Him for His goodness, mercy, and truth (v.5).

During a recent reading, however, I was struck by a phrase that speaks of expressing thanks in a tangible, willing way: “Serve the Lord with gladness” (v.2). 

Many times my service to God is more grudging than glad. I do what I consider my duty, but I’m not happy about it.

Oswald Chambers put his finger on my unthankful attitude when he said: “The will of God is the gladdest, brightest, most bountiful thing possible to conceive, and yet some of us talk of the will of God with a terrific sigh—‘Oh well, I suppose it is the will of God,’ as if His will were the most calamitous thing that could befall us. . . . We become spiritual whiners and talk pathetically about ‘suffering the will of the Lord.’ Where is the majestic vitality and might of the Son of God about that!”

True thankfulness is more than being grateful for what we possess. It’s an attitude that permeates our relationship with the Lord so that we may serve Him with gladness and joy. —David McCasland

Then let us adore and give Him His right,

All glory and power, all wisdom and might,


All honor and blessing, with angels above,


And thanks never ceasing for infinite love. —Wesley

natasha is learning to give thanks..

she is learning to thank him for the littlest things.

because she's now a second year medical student,
because she is still sane,
because she is fearfully and wonderfully made,
because she is blessed beyond measure

because her family is alive and well..

she's pseudo-tired. looks tired but not really tired. hmm.

she needs sleep.

her baju-kurung hunt went well today but its to be continued soon.

she's gonna be in kl longer that she had hoped for. she wants to go home but she's glad she has her brother to bother for the next 2 weeks or so. 

she definitely needs sleep now.

signing off.

## haha. just got this text.-->Dear friend, I am praying that all is well with you. 3 John 1:2

me of little faith.

Hold me in your arms, never let me go. Please, please, dont let me go.

Waiting.. waiting on the world to change.

summary of today - Scandalous tattoos (AHEM), family time & shoes! heels? i like! :)

almost went out of petrol last night. dad was driving and the needle was bout 0.001mm away from the E. scary way to live dont you think? sitting at the edge of your seat, with the crazy notion that something bad is about to happen. you're just wondering when the engine exhausts every drop of petrol and just stops. there is a feeling of uneasiness. a feeling of fear even! a mixture of dread, regret & panic starts to brew.

you feel like suffocating. 

your heart starts beating so fast, you wonder if an MI is not far off. and to make things worst, it rains. not the 'raindrops falling on your head' kind of rain. think horrid, painful, sharp drops of rain. the kind that hurts you when you're running for shelter. the kind that makes it so hard to drive coz you cant see anything in front of you. needless to say the mood in the car wasnt exactly a new year end's partay mood. it was more of 'make one bit of sound and i'll bite your head off' mood. i even call friends to ask where was the nearest petrol station from midvalley. such was desperation. that was me.

and yet, somehow, miraculously even, we reached the station. even with the airconditioning on, there was never the need to start pushing the car. oh the trouble i would have gone to if we had stalled! imagine pushing a car in the pouring rain! i cannot.

i wonder if its a rule parents HAVE to adhere to. Rule 101 : Love your children despite of everything they do. They can drive you crazy, they may cause massive hypertension (depression even) but no matter what YOU MUST FORGIVE THEM AND LOVE THEM.
Thank you Lord for that rule.
It is the reason I'm still alive.

ps:however, i later found out from kor woi & liling that a proton still can go quite a distance because of the spare fuel in the car. for that, i no longer think malaysian made cars are stoopid.

on a serious note, yes i realized the extent of my foolish forgetfulness. I cant believe God cares even for the little little things. There's so much bigger things happening out there. but for him to care about me. even such a minute matter.. i cannot believe it!

well,i'm in subang at the moment. my phone's gone MIA.. i shall not say that it wasnt my fault, because em, it was. and the phone story..is a long one.

anyway, staying in holiday villa tonight. nearer for us to go to sjmc for the brother's scans and more doctor visits. mum mentioned that the room we're staying in brings back lot of memories. i cannot agree more. we were just here eleven months ago yet it feels like years ago. the nights spent with aunties and cousins all crammed in one room. tho the nights were filled with dread and tears, we were together. and somehow we've made it this far.

everyone has their it-moment. that exact moment where they realize life was not all smooth sailing. that moment when we learn that we were never in control. that moment when all is shattered and you are left broken and battered. When you feel weak and useless. that moment that you wish you could just be left for dead because you just cant handle the pain anymore. 

you look for the nearest exit. 

you welcome the numbness. you just plain want out. that moment most of us have already gone through but yes, many may not understand because you see, you need to experience that moment yourself in order to get what i mean. for me, i cant point out exactly when my moment was. i find myself tracing a timeline of the different things that have tremendously impacted my life...

and yes, back to this room in holiday villa. memories so alive it feels like yesterday when everyone was here. aunties, uncles, cousins - family. I think i speak the truth when i say KongKong did not deserve to leave so soon. Kong, you had Chilles coming and Jessica was there. Wan and Yew was there. Your mum and dad were there. we all were there. waiting. i cannot forget the time you shared with us your dream. the one where you saw Jesus with a sniper shooting away at the cancer. we somehow believed that it was gone. that you'd be home. that you'd still be here. with the lame jokes, the teasing and such. Chilles.. we knew you wanted to see him. we knew you fought and fight well you did. did i mention earlier we learn to accept that we're never in control? its not easy. but you get through it. eventually. they miss you do you know? Kong, they do. they're stronger now. 11 months.. there is strength. there is now colour. there are smiles and genuine laughter. they are tired but they are together. they are fighting the fight. they are finishing the race. strength drawn from him.

but i wonder, can things change so easily? i hear divorce i hear pain. i hear death i hear fear. i hear of things happening that should not be happening. i hear of families breaking apart. i hear of lives scarred. is it really worth the race? is the character building worth it all? is the fight that the apostle Paul told us about amount to anything? We fight the good fight but can we really keep the faith? Can we emerge victorious? question after question..

ah, but tis such complicated nonsense natasha! why care about such headachy things. study, finish med school and work. whats so hard?

ah, you see, i discovered something a while back. and its kept me alive, its kept me sane, its kept me clinging to the cross, its kept me grounded, its kept my heart beating.

for me to live is Christ.

life without a God who loves you and cares for you is a life not worth living.

thats what I believe in anyway.

so yep, bring in the pain. bring in the tears.

i will get through this. and you know what? so will you.

'... No matter how far you are I'm near...'

as much as i know that i do not know much about the universe.. i know now that this guy is just a glimpse. a peek perhaps? an example. a rough idea. of that someone else out there. I.need.to.get.that.

much to learn. much to accept. much to ignore. to grow or not to grow? to fall and cry or get right up and start again! 

the unexpected happened today. He cares enough to want to see the surprise on our faces. he longs to put that smile there. He never gets bored of it! haha. my brother's in kl at the moment with yours truly. brought him to vista.. let him see for himself uni life (not that there's much of it now because its the hols lol) drove back at 12midnight with bro singing along jiwangy/crazy songs. only my brother can see me like that and still love me. he has to. its the rule. you have to tahan your sister as annoying or stupid she looks. haha but yea, we make a good pair with the right songs haha. Mum, him and I might find the hospital on Wed. he needs another check up. another chance perhaps of no surgery? 

yes Lord, you can.

'..My dear, we're slowing dancing in a burning room..'

i wonder how these fingers would feel entwined in yours.

just a thought.

“at the end of the day there are just some things that you can’t help but talk about. some things we just don’t want to hear, and some things we say because of the pain so great that it blocks out everything else.. makes the rest of the world fade away… until all that we can talk about is how much we hurt. how we manage our pain is up to us. for pain we anesthesize, ride it out, we embrace it, ignore it. and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is just to push through it….” - Grey’s Anatomy

'...so when you're near me darling can't you hear me.. SOS..'

a million apologies for the slight absence.. This girl has been tied up with post exam activities and of course, she's loving every bit of it! hehe

first things first, she doesnt know if you guys noticed but her blog template has been changing for the past 2 days! haha. yep yep, it has and for now, the current one is staying until she has learns how to change it. for that she has her cousin to thank.. 

sank u sayang :)

haha. okay, well, Miel is my mum's twin's daughter. hence = cousin. for more times than I can keep count on, we've been mistaken as sisters and i dont know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing : /  she's 8 this year and she blogs, people. she blogs! 

okay em, thats not really true. she's not 8. but haha! i can imagine the gasps i got on that. lol.

well, I've had crazy times with this cuckoo thing. every fibre of her being is in love with korean dramas. she is gifted with the ability to imitate a korean. imagine walking randomly around orchard road and talking nonsensical rubbish. ah, the things that amuse us!  haha. she's very passionate about the things she loves and its a favourite pasttime of mine to tease her mercilessly muahahaa. (yes, natasha has finally revealed her evil side) she's a rather emo kid (whats with the younger generation now?! KIDS these days!) lol with dimples anyone would kill for. oh, and she's grown up quite a bit.. gone were the Hello Kitty days and all pink themes (good riddance!). she loves her friends to bits and her gila-ness is very addictive - I kid you not! oh, and we both have intense passion for.. FOOD. AND she's willing to sit down for hours (ahem) and spend her precious holiday time finding proper templates for her wonderful cousin.. haha. sank u again dear

I could go on but I'd rather not promote my cousin anymore. haha. she's still young. still innocent. (HAHA) of course, she is still and forever will be, loved :)

well, in another note, I'm still in KL at the moment 'tho its already been 10 days since my results came out. I have yet to find enough words to express how great and real my God is. 

'seems like I always fall short 

of bein worthy 
Cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me'    -  The Singing Temptations. 

its been a journey.. learning about his grace. its not been easy, mind you. I've had my share of grief, pain, hurt, anger, denial but yea, its been full of ups as well. embracing the fact that she's fearfully and wonderfully made, discovering his abundant grace, mercy and love. 

'..It kinda makes you wanna break into song..'  - I love the whole world, The Discovery Channel

well, contrary to popular belief, I have no notion to get married anytime soon nor am I avoiding home. I'm pretty much contented in my room. with stuff to do.

Was caught up earlier this week with preparing for CF, christmas decoration (the atrium is looking very very pretty now hehe) and visiting my grandma. I had my first shot at cutting syrofoam with the special hot-wire-syrofoam-cutter-thingy. and yes, it took a bit of practice for my uber shaky hands but for now, surgery's not in my list. agh. 

Realized papa gave me a family here in IMU. had crazy, crazy time with Jacelyn & Christy. laughed so much amongst snowflakes and stars. of crawling and kungfu-ing? haha. until tummy pain. yes yes, the joys of having crazy people as sisters :)

even Sabby baby. haha. someone described here in 2 words - squeaky and nice. nicely squeaky? squeakily nice? crazy crazy sis of mine. big heart. pure heart :)

For I’ve been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I’ll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal to the grace by which I stand  - In Christ Alone, Brian Littrel

sudden burst of cuteness

this is what kids would ask God.

so cute!

if only we were that innocent 

'.. Adrift on your ocean floor, I feel weightless, numb and sore..'

they went to kundasang.. without me.

'.. Some hearts, they just get all the right breaks..'

she's puzzled.

it is not that out prayers are not answered, it is that we do not accept the answer.

-kosti tolonen

but. why?

When life knocks you to your knees, and it will, why get up?
If it knocks you to your knees again, as it will, well, isn't that the best position from which to pray? - Ethel Barrymore


I have no words to describe how grateful i am for a God who not only heals,
but forgives and loves me. Despite of all my shortcomings, all my mistakes, all my faithlessness, my doubts, Lord, you were still there.


Things have been weird. i feel, well, lost. today was nevertheless a good day. woke up with determination to clean the apartment (after much procrastination!) and have a bit of me time..
not much of that happening yet but yea, a week of alone time!
my housemates have left for home and the family's coming next week, hopefully.
its funny how it doesn't bother me anymore to have a plan. an itinerary?
haha. this girl's learning to live day by day.


with just. enough. light.

'... Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright...'

Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet.

this is her being honest. no strings attached. no hiding di sebalik batu.

you see, she's human.

somewhere along the journey she saw him. at first she thought no more of him.

those short conversations meant nothing.

blame the exam stress, blame the sad state of IMU.

but somehow it came to

'..I don't know how you do what you do

I'm so in love with you..'

shoot me now, please.

found by you

Its always been a mystery to me,
How two hearts can come together,
And love can last forever.
But now that I have found you I believe,
That a miracle has come when God sends the perfect one.
So gone are all my questions about why,
And i've never been so sure of anything in my life

Never have I been to a more emotional, more intimate, more God centered wedding.

When Shaun sang to his bride walking down that aisle at that garden,

you knew instantly that it was no ordinary wedding.

rose petals and candles illuminating the walkway; tears and laughter echoing around.

Jo, my amazing, amazing sister is married. :)

I look at them and I know our God loves us.

one thing i know, there's no need to pine and wait or look for the 'right' person.

what use is 'another half'' if we're not complete in our own God?

If our relationship with him is nonexistent?

We delight in him first. We seek him first.

Its not easy. But its do-able. With him.

'...urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory'
I Thes 2:12

why he's awesome

Be still, My child, and know that I am God!
Wait thou patiently—I know the path you trod.
So falter not, nor fear, nor think to run and hide,
For I, thy hope and strength, am waiting by thy side. —Hein

Thank you, Papa.

of rainbows and pots of golds

been up and about lately, scurrying from one place to another. its been uplifting,
to be able to finally sleep! special thank u for your prayers :) of falling asleep and accidents?
I've learnt my lesson!


so much has happened, so much has changed, lives turned, friendships broken?
friendships mended. its a journey..
a long one. at times when I was on the verge of just giving up and contemplated just sitting down and not moving,
someone always seemed to come along to give that push. that pull.
that iknowyoucandothis smile, the i-love-you hugs.
the all familiar buzz of the phone signaling an sms.
All show one thing. He is real.
He doesnt have to reveal himself majestically from the clouds.
He's here in them, through them.


was in genting a few days back with a few friends.
Left my camera with my dad so no pictures here. lol.
but like I said to a few people earlier, what happened in genting STAYS IN GENTING!
agh. memories I'll be keeping for the next few centuries :)
we left to genting by bus from pudu and it was raining when we got there!
agh! so the outdoor theme park was closed - unfortunately.
ended up bringing out the inner child in us, reminiscing over the lost childhood years..
with ferris wheels, bumper cars & cotton candy!
went romantic with the notsoromantic so-called venice gondolas.
making wishes and hitting bells. Of pranks and dares? my lips are sealed :x


of dates and shopping?
"Life without a friend is like death without a witness." cling, i heart you! haha

of rainbows after a storm. i have always admired how strong some people can be.

they have that sense of balance.

being able to juggle everything, taking everything in no questions asked.

whatever comes their way its always a confirmed 'thisisGod'swill' yet I always seem to falter. there's always the whys and the hows. i want that strength.

take courage guys, because i learnt to let go and let God.

wait, scrap that. I'm learning. still. to let go, let God do what he wants.

my cousin shared this to me last time. I remember exactly what he said, 'to let go is not about giving up when you think you've tried everything and exhausted every possibility there is. letting go and letting God is about doing everything to your best capacity knowing that in the end, he holds the reins-not you. his name will be glorified.'

so yea, its always easier said than done but gonna let go and let God.

whatever the results are next friday, He is still Lord. :')

a friend reminded me once in mms - put on your seatbelt and let Jesus do the driving. so yea,

i dont wanna drive anymore. :)

So Close

when she has 3 posts in a day you know something is seriously wrong.

especially with exams in exactly a week

but then again, we all have our vices, no?

some take a walk after the mugging

some sleep.

some eat.

but me, i do this.

i waste space in the internet.

with unnecessary crap

haha.

so, this post is going to be different.

i promise you.

you see,

i realized something today

i have the greatest family in the world. 

ask me why.

because its my family 

i am sure of that :)

i miss them already 

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

I've had the time of my life

yep. ive had the time of my life today

in the room.

by myself.

after cake.

after roti jala and sate.

after teh tarik.

after whiskey & vodka.

on deepavali.

trying to study.

BUT

how to study with people running and screaming around??

how to study with people just downstairs enjoying themselves. with food.. spoilt with choice!

yet she is better than that dammit

yes, she can overcome temptation and shall refrain from petty small talk

and wonderful glorious food.

u guys better come for deepavali next year.

or else.

You'll never walk alone - Elvis

had a long week. full of surprises. its good to be with the books.
the mugging. heavenly. who can ask for anything better??

thank you dears for the smiles,

for the thoughtful random smses that have made my day everyday!

for the calls, making sure i'm still alive. :D

for your thoughts

your love.

to the wonderfulest most amazingest and awesomest gorgeous women imu has to offer. hehe

and whats awesome is that iknowthem :)

sabby my other half, i heart you

ziaa my twin.. liling my other other half.. lol

Ash! elvynaa, meiixxinnn! anushya.. the list goes on..

Phil 1:3 - I thank my God every time i think of you!

hug :)

we're pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed.

old news

a penny for your thoughts?

Watch this if you're Malaysian.

just because.

Bagi bangsa ini
kami berdiri
dan membawa doa kami kepadamu
sesuatu yang besar
pasti terjadi
dan mengubahkan negeri kami
Hanya namaMu Tuhan ditinggikan
atas seluruh bumi.

“We cannot change our past. We can not change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.” 

Charles Swindoll.

Broken World

Promises shattered

Answers don't come

Friends say goodbye

Plans come undone

Dreams get crushed

Lies get told

Words can turn cruel

Hearts can grow cold

In a broken world where we cry to feel

Some hope that helps these hearts to heal

You're my strength, You're my refuge

In a broken world, Jesus I'm holding to you.

You make sense of the madness

And you make darkness flee

You bring such a calm

To the chaos in me

Show me life

Tell me truth

Day after day I keep running to You

by ATS

I fall so far

yet, you come to where I am.

'I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.' 

Charles Swindoll.

we can do this.

Wouldn't it be nice

deepavali's on monday

again with the questions, 'are u inviting anyone?' 'why you never bring anyone to see your family during open house?'. one of the worst - 'you no friends ah?!' 

its not my fault deepavali falls on a time everyone's mugging to death for exams. 

then again, the looks on their faces are priceless when the answer is - 

'i have no friends. i need friends.'

ps:i'm stealing liling's idea of using random songs as the title. giving the brain a break. :D

to my room, to the friends back home :)

Ke hadapan bilik Natasha yang amat dirindui dan disayangi. Saya berharap anda dalam keadaan sihat-sihat sahaja.

Ingatikah engkau masa dulu, ketika kaulah tempat perlindunganku daripada adik yang annoying? daripada kawan yg mau dielak dan kadang2 juga dari ibubapa yang.. entahlah. haha

ba, trasa pla tiba2 mo imbas2 balik zaman sklh when bm ruled! time form4 and form5 ngan pacik2 and macik2 skalian. time nda payah risau psl stadi. wui, ingat ko si bunjut? mana kau?? bnyk pla salah aku sama dia. entah dia sudah maafkan aku ngan c pacik ka. 

alah.. time yg kitaorg ckp mo prepare dbate KUNUN padahal abis bergosip d library. time kita study. time pi labuan mcm org kejakunan. buat projek. reka cipta yg nda pernah menjdi. mana sdah ko shar! mana ko as! ba, dare i say this? kdang2 rindu jugak ngan sekolah. biar ckit jak..

skrg, suma org entah d mana. 1 di johor. 1 sibuk berdating d sunway. aduina, satu lagi di mesir n satu lgi mo jln pi nz. mcm kamu org. ingat kmu kena marah meimei? kerja rumah yg nda pernh siap. mengajar add maths haha. aku jadi kau, kau jadi aku? 

ba, nda lama lagi ada nie mo kahwin. aku menunggu jemputan wui! jgn ko lupa kertas A3 ngan lagunya skali! 

jangan ko stress. 

ingat,

ok ba klu ko.

random post. eos is NEAR. go study.

his grace, i need.

natasha is officially in a wedding mood!

blame Jo for making me compile her wedding songs! agghh ( i joke i joke..) 

song of the day - I Could Not Ask For More by Edwin McCain. 

isocanmeltrightnow

my utmost for his highest. coz its not about me anymore. it never was, yet why when circumstance come our way we falter so easily? To dismantle doubt is never easy. so many questions! so much doubts. i want answers. i want this, i want that.

but no more.

the irony of some things astound me. religiousness? piousness? the look-at-me attitudes? less of me Lord, more of you.

i

cant

do this anymore

i cant.

bliss <33

exams are not over. its a friday. so, bout 2 weeks more to go til it is over.

Had cf today and was at first a bit hesitant to go (blame the flu, lack of sleep, possible late night tonight) yet.. I went..

because

em, guys and girls, family and friends..

listen up.

i'm.

engaged.

to be married.

soon?

sort of.

he's wonderful. :)

my heart finally beats for a reason!

the flowers smell sweeter

the blues are bluer

greens are greener

birds are chirping louder

sighh

this layout doesnt mention the day i post something.

so yes, its a saturday. a wonderful day.

emo. the word should be banned i tell you!

happy mugging guys. :)

my day

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now.

updatess

sorry for the lapse of posts.. believe me, its nothing intentional. exams are coming nearer way too fast and.. yes, she has to study. the internet doesnt bring her as much joy as it used to. or maybe its just the stress? or the prolonged absence of an internet connection in her home?

agh, she stares at a picture of E. hystolytica, wondering - what should she eat tonight? (by the way, E hystolytica causes bloody diarrhea. You can die. yep, and after studying all these parasites, only one conclusion can be made.

We should all stop eating.

Theres too much microbes in the world.

ooh, we should stop drinking water as well. Lets not forget the our dear Giardia lamblia and Entamoeba hystolytica.

this is purely random.

she wonders why IMU doesnt have a proper study area for students APART from pbl rooms (which are only open during weekdays) and the library.

she remembers a story about a thermostat and a thermometer.

Are you simply reflecting your climate around you? or are you setting the climate around you.

taking charge? or sitting back?

complaining or acting?

we were made for greater things.

the week has been crazy yet again agh! one thing that stood out was the fact i was extremely annoyed with a certain someone during my hospital visit yesterday.. Shami (my housemate) was kind enough to lend me an ear.. girl, u are definitely very patient! haha. Sufi was there as well to hear the annoyed-me complaining about this particular person.

then it hits me on my way back to klang.

who am i to judge this other person?

(this person's gender and name shall not be revealed due to the fact gossiping is out of the question. hehe)

What made me think i am any better than him/her? very, very humbling. as Sarah puts it, hate the sin, not the sinner.

so, no, I'm not the better person. in fact, i could be the worst compared to him/her.

its a struggle we have to take on. accepting each other with all our weaknesses.

to forgive! agghhh.. i cant do this on my own. But if He could.. the sins of every single one. maybe.. maybe I could?

'Thoughtlessness, self-absorption, preoccupation, negligence - you expect those from the average run of your acquaintances, but not from your best friend. From him you want perfection. You want him to read your mind" - Emma in Saving Graces

Phone calls, random drives, the stars at night.. remember?

I want you to.

when u get sick of books, go take ridiculous photos.

taken 5 minutes ago when she should be studying. >=/ --- angry face.

Pls still love me ash :(


Need i say more?

signing off.

annoyed and sleepy.

i miss

i miss my orientation group.


i'm off to a cousin's cousin's wedding. second cousin? cousin twice removed? :/ oh well. feast your eyes of z dress of z night! hehehe. ironic how i missed a wedding last week only to go for another this week :/

a premonition! of a wedding.. ah yes :)

signing off

extremely sleepy woman

the week

forgive the lack of posts.. the week has been, well, crazy, to put it simply. 

lectures attended and lectures missed, nights spent mugging and nights spent emo-ing over lost wallets (will get to that later), days passing in a sec and hours that are forever. of punctured tires and cute cockroaches. 

Of dead cockroaches? and heartwarming movies :), of annoying characters and new friendships. Of sleepless nights and sunsets! of waiting for sunsets (ahem..) and getting lost. of perasaning and kepoh-ing. of parasites and drugs. :/ 

of seeing him everywhere all the time. of him showing you he's there when you feel like crap. of realizing again and again that its all about him. seriously.

that was week 8! or is it week 9? :/ lost count. crap.

oh well, on tuesday saya ikut Ashy Ash pergi ke Carrefour untuk membeli tikusss.. Granted, i was never a rodent person. never was. even after Ratatoullie (is that how you spell it) came out, me figured only Pixar (or Disney) could make rodents look cute.

again, they proved me right with...the darling cockroach in Wall-E. If only the cockroaches in my bathroom was as cook. they wouldnt be that much of a nuisance now, would they??




notice the similarities??

anywho Ash got a white mouse that, i have to admit, adorable. Bono is his name! hehe. check out her blog for pictures (she's a awesome writer as well! hehe) we left Carrefour bout 6-ish and when i was back at my place, i realized the wallet was GONE. oh-so-gone.

we cari-cari the entire apartment and NO SUCH LUCK. arghhhh.. to cut the very very lon story short, me wents to a friend's place --> fatin aka sayang/mylove/dahling yg sometimes curang :P 

and with her wonderful heart, drove us to Carrefour where we tried retracing the missing wallet. after awhile, realizing that THERE WAS NO LUCK finding it.. 

Fatin asked - did u cancel your credit cards?? of course, the very responsible me said ' NO! should I?' hahahahahah. (ok ok, it didnt sound funny when it happened.. but looking back, it was pretty crazy.

The police report story is another crazy one. i'll keep that for the next post!

God never lets anything happen by chance. it sucks when it happens and you feel horrible, theres nothing wrong with being angry.. thats why he gave us feelings in the first place (cue song:feelings... nothing more than feeliiingggsss...).

its whether we allow it to break us or make us stronger. If it wasnt for this tuesday event, i wouldnt have realized how blessed i am with such amazing friends! for showing their support, for the ride, for the breakfasts, for the teh-tariks, for the directions, for the laughter, for the never lacking hugs. i like :) 

you all are amazing! they'll prolly never read this, but guys, u rock!

the next day (Wed) was movie day with Zia and Ash... went to the bank in the morning with Pinkie to get a new atm card.. when we came out of the car, pinkie points out that one of the tires needed more air..

naturally, i put it off and decided to do it the next time i came out. haha. oh well, went to puchong on thursday to do my license and guess what???? ---> punctured tire.. 

natasha refrains from jumping out and throwing herself at the traffic 

while she makes a swift decision to drive slowly to the petrol station to get help.. again, another long story. but to cut it short, I got my license done whheehheee! it took us 45 minutes to get to the jpj office. and 5 minutes to get it done! ughh. i'm slowly resenting the driving! :/ 

oh, and they charged me RM30 to tampal tayar. the evil people i tell you! (apparently it should cost bout RM10 only.. so guys, note this down the next time u need to get a tire tampal-ed)

friday even crazierr arghh.. my phone, as most of my friends know, have decided to die on me anytime it wants. probably due to the fact ive never pampered it with tender loving care :/ oh well, me lost my contacts! arghh.. 

the crazy thing is, not all the contacts were deleted all of the sudden. its as if the phone was playing the 'guess which number i deleted' game with me. haha! cf on friday was welcoming party for new batch me208 and in the morning when i thought i just couldnt songlead that afternoon, 3 wonderful people reminded me of what was most important - Him. the perfect pursuer.. (thanks Sabby, Joanne and Jeremy, you guys are awesome hehe) 

To realize that he is still God, above everything, above what we are currently feeling.. when we worship, its not about us anymore. its about how his amazing grace allows us this new day. so yea, practice was kinda last minute, but God was there! 

for greater things are yet to come and greater things are still to be done! its crazy la. thanks papa, for being there. thanks Sabby (for holding me accountable, making sure we run together in this. hugss xD)

to sum up the week up -
Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!
O what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
born of his Spirit, washed in his blood.

This is my story, this is my song,
praising my Savior all the day long;
this is my story, this is my song,
praising my Savior all the day long.

Perfect submission, perfect delight,
visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
angels descending bring from above
echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

Perfect submission, all is at rest;
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
watching and waiting, looking above,
filled with his goodness, lost in his love.

sudden burst of jiwangness

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs With sepiatone loving..

Edward: What do you want? Who do you want me to be?
Will: Yourself. Good, bad, everything. Just show me who you are for once.
Edward: I have been nothing but myself since the day I was born. And if you can't see that, it's your failing, not mine. -Big Fish.

I need us.

Upon my bed by night,
I sought him whom my soul loves;
I sought him, but found him not;
I called him, but he gave no answer.
I will rise now and go about the city,
in the streets and in the squares;
I will seek him whom my soul loves.

- Song of Solomons 3

the curtains close. the audience leave. the night is no more.

you?

i look. you're gone.

you;

the essence of my very being;

whom i thought had to be pursued;

was in fact the pursuer;

i turn;

hmm.

you never left

happy belated merdeka?

yes, its 1 september 2008. in 15 days will be the day we should be celebrating merdeka.. coz if memory does not fail me, 16th september was when sabah and sarawak was gabung-ed with Malaya to form Malaysia. woott! the reason for studying history for spm finally surfaces!

anyway, celebrated mum + cousin's birthday last night tho the official day is today! Aunty Mie (my lovely mum's twin) wasnt able to make it :( but 2 birthday babies were better than none! hahaah

yep, that is the crazy/emo/annoying/uber-cool/cacated at times/very crazy baby brother. purpose for uploading the photo? I LOOK SHORT! ugh. how often do i get to say that, rite? :P

rather unflattering photo but heck..

i heart annoying-younger-brothers!

= ]

and yes, thats cake icing on his face. things got pretty messy. not very messy. but messy enough :/

this girl is gonna go clean up her room and prepare breakfast (at 12.17am)..

thought : I wanna be able to lay everything down.everything. "The people who know their God shall be strong, and carry out great exploits" Dan 11:32 I want to know him.. more.

Daring to believe

Dear bloggie,

He has privileged us to live above the ordinary human plane of life. Those who want to be ordinary and live on a lower plane can do so, but as for me, I will not!

For greater things are yet to come, and greater things are still to be done..

Dare we ask for greater things? Dare we challenge God for abundance of blessing? for more of his anointing? Dare we wrestle with him til he has do dislodge our bones? Dare we ask for the Jacob's bravery, etching his desire in our hearts - 'I will not let you go until you bless me!'

With that, dare we receive what he has in store for us? Are we willing to give up ourselves. To be less of us and more of him? For 'greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world' I John 4:4

An afternoon with family, i am blessed. my papa, thank you.

weirdness

had the creepiest dream last night. Of all the people in the world to dream about, My dear lecturer Annie T crept into my dream. :/

We were both traveling somewhere together and she had to go take a shower but the water apparently had enzymes inside :/ dreaming about lecturers.creepy.very.creepy.

o.0

ah yes, the bliss of being home.

not worrying about what to eat, no fretting over unwashed clothes or smelly shoes.

Having the brother and cousin to annoy, using the car with no worries over paying for petrol. Movie-ing with the family.. ah yes, the weekend has been fantabulous!

To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.
-Emily Dickinson-

Undone

Even in defeat

The face of tragedy

Still you'd have to say that I found victory

In brokenness comes beauty, Divine fragility

Reminding me of nail scarred hands

Reaching out for me

To the cross I run

Holding high my chains undone

Now I am finally free

Free to be what I've become

Undone.

To understand the extent of being undone.. We who are nothing. being undone? being completely free? holding high our heads.. why? because of his mercy.. God could have chosen to sit on any seat. yet why choose the mercy seat? See how deep the father's love for us!

Its been a crazy week with time passing by faster and faster. its already the end of the week AGAIN. things have been crazy.. good crazy! its been a challenge indeed. to praise him during the good times, we all can! but when circumstances come against me.. well, lets say its harder to lift these hands.

I just read a note posted by amazing-est-cousin-in-the-world, Sarah concerning the recent story that surfaced about a particular pastor in Aus. And this site really encouraged me as we face questions we have about our faith and our leaders. http://www.nextwaveonline.com/comment.asp?ID=231
a part of it : 'It is often only when we see the scale of human frailty laid bare before us that we can appreciate the true power of redemption.' it couldnt have been said better.. we pray together. we intercede. coz our God is greater than the things around us. i wanna see mountains move!

ew and aunty, we meet again :) + other random stuffs

pictures are SO long overdue but yes, to make betty a tinsy bit jealous.. heres us ex mufyians (3 of us anyway :/ ) enjoying an afternoon of sushi, sushi and a bit of Baskins & Robbins.


yepp, aunty aivee all the way from syd and the always busy ew together with myself finally managed to sneak in a lunch. not much pictures tho :/ ai vee they're with you!! ughh.

ok ok.. very random. the thingys behind us are apparently real antlers. :/ yes, random. very random muaahahaha

after a rather last minute decision to surprise my mum for her birthday, I decided to go back home for the Merdeka weekend..

Could have left Friday instead of Saturday but of course i couldnt miss out on the ragging orientating of the NEW batch.. ahh. no more being juniors. no more excuse to run around uni like mad people. no more excuse to shout at someone who's on the ground floor when u're on the 4th floor :/ *SIGHS* at least when you're a junior, people will say 'Ugh, their just juniors' but now they'll go 'what on earth is wrong with these people!' so, with new seniority comes new responsibility! we shall now walk with full dignity and grace, smiling only when necessary, trying hard at all times to look busy and nerdy. (this is APPARENTLY SOMEONE's aim in life right now. *cough** she APPARENTLY (again) has the desire to develop muscles by dragging papa patho ALL AROUND UNI. ah yes, some of us are just gifted in that.

sorry. rambling nonsense at the moment.

anyway, yes, i am back home. first thing an aunty in church said when she saw me - 'Eh, what are you doing here? Why come back? Didn't you just come back the other day?' ah yes, i am back whether they like it or not!! Ironic how they complain us kids never come back to our hometowns yet when we do come back we're asked why the thought of coming back even crossed our minds. :/

will be in Sandakan til monday then off back to the hills of Jalil where the monkeys and the terrapin play! wwwhheeeeee

Went for youth service today in church and worship was amazing. Songs that were forgotten long ago was brought back today. I forgot how much the simplicity of some songs can penetrate right through the heart of worship. Coz its all about him..

Saat ku mengangkat tangan
Yesus menurunkan tangannya
Dia menjamah
B'rikan ku kekuatan
Saat Ku panggil namanya
Kurasakan kasih kuasanya
Tak berubah
Sekarang dan selamanya

Sometimes all we need is to surrender. to confess. to believe. To be Mary instead of Martha. indeed, Dia menjamah, brikan ku kekuatan. kami perlukan keajaiban mu, kami butuhkan sentuhan tanganMu.Kami tak dapat jalan sendiri, kami perlu kau Tuhan.

To see youth back home so passionate for God.. speechless. the work God has begun.. he will continue til completion. whheee!

yes, a bit crazy now. . craving sleep (something ive not been able to do for quite awhile)

This woman is prolly gonna go get some sleep. she cant believe she's in her OWN BED! ah yes, heaven!

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now -Undone by Mercyme-

three little pigs and the big bad wolf, big bad wolf, big bad wolf..

yes, after disappearing for awhile from the net, I AM BACK!

ah yes, it is now the 4th week of sem2 in IMU and so far, been covering a bit of bacteriology, pathology and immunology.. ah yes. am at the IMU library now with Ash in the next computer supposedly doing PBL *ahem ahem*

Learning Issue #1 : Etiology of chest pain....
...
.....
...
Learning Issue #6 : pathophysiology of blablalblaaa AND difference of arteriosclerosis and atherosclerosis. so, i typed in google. instead of typing 'difference of arteriosclerosis and atherosclerosis,' my fingers (having a mind of their own) typed in 'facebook.com', 'gmail.com' and 'blogger.com' instead. hmm. must be some kind of disease going around. Procrastinatitis or something :/

ah yess, back to the title. 3 little pigs and the big bad wolf.. had pathology lab this morning and armed with notebook and pen in hand, we entered the lab with high expectations to be better educated people by the time lab ended. (or so we wished we were la) ah, wishful thinking. what i learned was to remember that decribing the anatomy of an appendix is like.. lets say, the story of the 3 little pigs and the big bad wolf. yes, for a good 15 minutes or more, we were given the glorious opportunity to reminisce over our childhood with singing the all time classic - 3 little pigs and the big bad wolf :) look on the guy's face (who was asked to decribe the whole thing) : priceless!

Note from Miss Annie : You must study, study and STUDY!

Friend #1 : *gasps* How profound! What a noble profession.

Me : *chuckles evilly in the inside while trying to look seriously at the slides*

i will not be forgetting today's lab for awhile.

more interesting news! been driving around kl! for those who have been in the car. i applaud your bravery. still having trouble getting used to the roads.. :/ maintaining the car is a feat itself as well.

even more interesting news, my bible.. yea, i lost my bible in uni.. i left it somewhere and now its gone! my cherished small NLT Bible. Tho it was already torn in two, it was mine :( now, someone else has it.. truly everything happens for a reason.. My prayer is that whoever has it at this very moment will be OVERCOME WITH GUILT AND START REPENTING ON THE SPOT! haha.. not really, i hope that whoever has it will be blessed by it. Wherever it is, may it bring joy and peace to its new owner. yes, i honestly hope for that..

the rantings shall continue later. hafta head over to patho lab again for a different patho session.. ah yes, song of the day : three little pigs and the big bad wolf :)