bits & pieces

Carry me

2012-01-04T01:05:00.002+08:00

Having my cousin back from the States for these past 2 weeks have been a blessing although I would have liked to spend more time with her. Spending time with family, is a blessing I know I sometimes take for granted. I admit, even my parents I know I disappoint at times. Little things have opened my eyes, issues like giving in, tolerance and sacrifice make me realize how selfish and wicked our hearts can be, that if it wasn't for the cross, we would all be hopeless, dying creatures. And yet we live with reason, we strife with purpose, we press on because of that hope. That we were meant for more. That in the end, its not about the perfect job or finding the right guy, it's about being complete in Him. And that is a lesson to learn.

Came across this highlighted phrase from A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God :

'It will require a determined heart and more than a little courage to wrench ourselves loose from the grip of our times and return to Biblical ways'

Oh to be a lady of diligence, conviction, virtue, patience, devotion, contentment and everything else..

a lady in waiting

2012-01-02T00:42:00.000+08:00

With all honesty, painful words from people who mattered stopped me from sharing life through this medium. Words, unlike sticks and stones, were not supposed to break me, yet they did. And with all that hurt, decided I would rather pen my daily thoughts on paper.

No more, though. I will praise the Lord, I will tell of the wondrous things he has done!

‎"That I may publish with the voice of thanksgiving, and tell of all thy wondrous works." Psalm 26:7

A year has passed by too quickly. New country, new friends, new memories made. Friendships gained and friendships lost. To look in the mirror and realize, wow, you are 22. So much to learn. So much.

I strayed for the longest time. But yet He who created the heavens and the earth would still love me? Incomprehensible. Impossible. Yet, ultimately, truest of all truths. He loves me. Full of mercy and grace, is my Lord.

Life in 2012 will be a hectic one, but if my God is for me, who can be against me? hmm. too much thoughts running crazy around through my mind at this moment. Where to start? What to say? oh for a prayer partner, where we can encourage each other to keep God's perspective on our commitment to be all that God wants us to be.

All other ground is sinking sand

2010-09-05T19:06:00.003+08:00

'Humility is not thinking less of yourself. It's thinking about yourself less.' - C.S.Lewis

this blog is now (hopefully) revived!

Your light will shine when all else fails

2010-06-19T00:20:00.004+08:00

Such mixed feelings as the day came to an end. Amazed at what a wonderful God I have and realized that through him indeed all blessings flow. Even with so much doubt he is still able to shine his light. I am more than blessed. Too grateful for words for a sustaining Abba, a faithful Father - the one who has never let go despite of my constant breakdowns and shaky faith. To have great parents who have been hugely supportive is an added gift. They never fail to remind me of that greater picture.

Lord, you are faithful.

At the same time, this feeling of leaving won't go away. Not much of sadness but perhaps a melancholic reaction with today being the 'official' last day of IMU. No more familiar faces around the university. Everyone headed to a different direction. Well, it's still the same journey they began with, only this time in a new path. This past two and a half years with our paths converging has been a great one, with ups and downs. Friendships gained and friendships lost. Hearts broken and hearts mended. Spirits weak and then strengthened. *sigh* Its been a great journey and it can only can better.

I am, thankful. and happy. He has a great plan for us. Why is it so easy to forget that at times? Reminds me of an old song they used to play in church..

It's good to remember the goodness of God..

Its back to Captivating (again) for now.

A quote from the previous book - "Though we may fear the test, at the same time we yearn to be tested, to discover that we have what it takes." - John Eldredge, Wild at Heart. It is worth the read for guys AND the girls :)

Blue skies are calling

2010-06-03T01:35:00.002+08:00

Thanks to brilliant recommendation by the kukuthing, top of the list of things to do after exam results are -

1. Have Disney Marathon.

2. Watch

a. Lord of the Rings.

b. Glee

c. Grey's Anatomy

3. to be decided

Notice the first few is all about sitting myself down in front of the idiot box and not moving for at least 20 hours? NICE!

Hold me in your arms, never let me go.

2010-05-31T23:04:00.001+08:00

I give up. I'm falling back into your arms and holding on desperately. And I'm not ashamed to admit it.

I know that it is finished :)

2010-05-29T17:51:00.002+08:00

It is known among my fellow friends that I may have a sleeping problem. (it's not really much of a problem now with exams nearby. haha) And a few have pointed out the negative effects of resorting to medication. In fact, dear tongsampah pointed out that this lack of sleep could be self inflicted.

I would like to point out that I am in no way depressed, suicidal and stressed to the extent of it affecting my sleep. Perhaps, yes, I was devastated for that few weeks, but for now, I just am, nocturnal I suppose. There's this sense of peace nightfall brings me though lately I've just been getting sleepy earlier and earlier.

I have no idea what this post is about. Just wanted to put something new up to celebrate the new layout. whee :)

eos ETA 7 days? 8 days? ah heck. its coming soon. And, learning something new about him everyday. Like how dear papa wakes you up refreshed and alert to study. That though you're tired and easily distracted, he leads you beside the still water and renews your strength. Faith he brings to the lost. Hope, he brings to the hopeless.

I am, blessed. and forever grateful.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Phil 4:6-7

Thank you

2010-05-25T23:59:00.003+08:00

Ever felt so caught up in things around you that you forget the bigger picture? You see, He's got the whole world in His hands. And yes, panic might have kicked in for a second. The worries there for for awhile now. But how can I ever forget my God who is so big, so strong and so mighty there's nothing my God cannot do ;)

Just a little while longer I wanna pray
Can't get You off my mind so I came to say
Thank You Lord just for loving me
Many times as I do forget
Every need that You have met
Oh thank You Lord, I know You're showing me
You are there when I am down and out
You're holding me, Your love is so amazing
Oh it changed me

I'm having trouble sleeping

2010-05-22T21:18:00.002+08:00

Why's it always you and never me
I've never dared to let my feelings free

BLEGH.

the Brown Woman is right, blogging, is therapeutic.

Even if its nonsensical rubbish, its my rubbish. MY rubbish. so there.

i'm blue dabadeedooo

2010-05-19T23:42:00.003+08:00

Even after 2 EOSs, I wonder why I STILL PUT MYSELF through it. its a horrible, nasty feeling.

But we will get through.

We will be cute little future healthcare professionals :)

because we're already HALF WAY THERE dammit. at least, we're almost half way there.

itsonlyanothersteppingstonenatasha,itsonlyanothersteppingstone.

I don't deserve this.

Thought to ponder - Christianity. a response to His Grace, not a reaction to His Wrath.

One scarred hand to the other

2010-04-07T23:09:00.002+08:00

Someone asked me this today.

'What makes you a woman?'

'Your everything.' She answered her own question and I had to smile. She was engrossed in reading Captivating and I saw the light in her eyes. It had hit her. She was special. A woman of God. A woman loved. That smile said a lot.

Somehow, suddenly, that painful pit in your stomach just goes away. Perhaps somehow, she was right.

Maybe this awful feeling will go away.

I wonder, is this how He feels when we turn our backs on him? When we stop calling? When we decide we don't want to see or talk to Him. When we delete Him from our lives?

So much to learn. Too much unwilling hearts.

Like a rose that never blooms

2010-04-05T05:47:00.003+08:00

Its been awhile since the last post. And somehow, dear blog, you were not missed. Til the time came for somewhere to rant. Or cry. You were here all this while, weren't you? You knew I'd be back :')

Nothing much of importance. Insignificant. A promise made. The new path began. But somehow, a little slip. A slight lost of balance. Next thing I knew, I was falling. (yes I know, 'tis so very cheesy)

I did something wrong. Lost focus? Lost direction.

Lord, lead me back.

Somehow.

Do you not know?

2009-12-11T15:00:00.001+08:00

Just my two cents' worth. The holidays, is making me cynical.

I don't wanna miss a thing

2009-11-18T13:07:00.003+08:00

Been stuck in the go between lately of my own wants versus my needs of surrendering to him. Staring at the 30 choices with 6 different ends of the earth, she remembers the weekend when a new acquaintance pointed out the verse long put away in the attic.

Prov 16:9 A man’s heart deviseth his way: but the LORD directeth his steps.

He doesn't realize how much that one verse tugged the chords of this heart. To know he has a plan and act upon it is not easy. Decisions still need to be made. Answers still need to be submitted.

Will he send me to Australia? Will I be soaking in the amazing sceneries of Scotland or will I be stuck in gloomy London weather?

For his ways are always higher.. Perhaps he does know what he's doing, no? ;)

Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we respond to it. Attitude is the single most significant decision I make each day - Charles Swindoll

Prov 19:21 There are many devices in a man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the LORD, that shall stand.

Ker'na semua yang baik dalam hidupku itulah karyamu

2009-11-03T10:36:00.004+08:00

Mengabdikan hidupku sesuai rencanaMu.

To give my upmost for his highest is to turn down so much of how I think, of how I feel. If things were my way, I imagine it would not be such a great world. I'm still too selfish that way. I'm trying to step through that door. You know, the door with life involving both pitfalls and blessings with a whole lot of surrender on the other side.

The amazing thing is that He never pushes. He'll bring you in front of this door again and again. Its you with the decision to make. Total surrender.

Step through it and you may not feel all that different. You'll probably be the same person you are now. But the purpose of your life will have changed. Stepping through the door doesn't change you - it does, however, change everything you're heading toward from this point on.

It means breaking the husk of my individual independence of God, and the emancipating of my personality into oneness with Himself, not for my own ideas, but for absolute loyalty to Jesus.

-Oswald Chambers.

I have hit the insomniac button again yet not much is being accomplished. As always, the fault lies in the same place. I wonder though, it is possible to not care? To not let the situation overwhelm or break you down.

ah well, study time. nerd mode:ON. Reproductive system seem to haunt even my dreams.

'Coz all I need is you

2009-11-02T02:31:00.002+08:00

Psalm 27:4 - The one thing I ask of the Lord— the thing I seek most— is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord’s perfections and meditating in his Temple.

Oh, to be still. To forget and press on. To surrender. To be for a cause. To be sold out. To not care. To feel. To be in and not of! Tis something I still struggle with. Feeling of apathy. Superficiality. Priorities needing readjustment. Oh the flesh!

To get back on track.

To live life knowing its all about him.

To the unseen path, knowing his light is just enough.

All i have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all i have not seen

- Ralph Waldo Emerson (Something I got from a dear sister. Sabby, you cease to amaze me. the epitome of surrender. i love you much!)

could you take me beyond, could you carry me through?

2009-10-30T04:54:00.001+08:00

sigh. Waking up to 'There's a cry in my heart for your glory to fall.. for Your presence to fill up my senses. There's a yearning again, a thirst for discipline. A hunger for things that are deeper.' Ah yes, that feeling for something greater. that yearning oh Lord for your name to be lifted high! Yet that fear of failure, that fear that you won't make it still crawls in even when you know he's got you. No one ever said the road would be easy.

I told myself this time it would be different. I want to achieve so much! And yet at times I settle for so little. There is so much to be done and Robert Frost put it best -
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

I feel incompetent more and more everyday. And surprise, surprise, its not the medical books causing the nauseating episodes.

All those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruising knees

2009-09-20T23:30:00.003+08:00

20nd of September - exactly 2 months from my last post. Its a good day to revive a blog, is it not? I shalt trieth hardereth. To bringeth joy and flowers and sunshine to this blog with of course, one or two dark and twisty posts in between...

I shalt starteth getting back on track. To routine? To that which is constant? Sometimes I wish I'm done riding this roller coaster. You never know when that deep plunge is gonna take place. You just have to have faith that you won't fall forward. That the seat belts will do their job. That the feeling of falling over is just a feeling, and nothing else. Just a feeling. A terrible feeling. An exhilarating feeling. But still only a feeling.

You won't fall. and to make it even better, throughout the whole ride, you get your adrenaline rush.

Better than the riches of this world

2009-07-20T14:36:00.004+08:00

I'm on my way
I promise you that I won't be long
I just called
Called you to say
I miss every little little moment
without you

And I can't wait
For us to be alone.
I'm almost in your arms.
I'm coming home.

That's right people, after a grueling 16 hour flightcummoviemarathon. she has only 4 more hours to Malaysian soil! she misses Malaysian food. HongKong food is yucky - just my 2 cents worth :)

These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray

2009-07-16T12:03:00.003+08:00

Even with Starbucks everywhere, this girl's been having trouble accessing the net.. agh. She just found out today there's been wireless in the hotel room she's in but realizes its too late.

Crazy times. God-given wonderful blessed times. I wish I could record every second of it!

BUT, the place is stinky & congested. Its been pretty much a love hate relationship with the city :/

Anyway, this short post is to let everyone know that yes, SHE IS ALIVE. mwahahah

and as much as she loves this part of the world, she can't wait to go back :)

We'll get lost together until the light comes pouring through

2009-07-05T12:09:00.003+08:00

Life is funny. Little things everywhere. Whether you notice them or not. Can make your day. Can put a smile on your face :)

little things. pretty nice little things like beautiful sunsets. cool weather. bear hugs. good food.

even the notsonicethings. like 19 hour flights. and bad flus & headaches :'( why are they nice? because there's always light at the end of the tunnel.

good times. it makes everything better.

2009-06-29T18:18:00.003+08:00

3 more days...

3 hari lagi...

awayfromeverything.

He is Lord, He is Lord

Sings my soul, He is Lord.

And he lives, yes he lives.

Here in my life

2009-06-25T14:37:00.003+08:00

There are times I wonder what I'm doing and why I'm here. Why the sleepless nights and the anxiety thinking if I'll make it this time. I wonder if I will ever make a good doctor. To deal with real lives in your hands. I wonder why it has to be so hard. Sometimes it feels like I should be doing something easier. Something I know I'll be good at.

Then I start wondering about you. I wonder how you love me. Despite the insecurities and the imperfections. Despite how low things get. You love me. Even after everything. Something I cannot understand.

He loves ME. He wants to bless me. Why is it easy to run back in his arms and fall in love with him all over again? I don't deserve any of this. There's no more shame, nor guilt nor tears or pain. He's never given up on me. I don't plan to give up just yet.

I have never walked on water

Felt the waves beneath my feet but

At your Word Lord, I’ll receive Your

Faith to walk on oceans deep

And I remember how You found me:

In that very same place

All my failing surely would've drowned me

But You made a way

You are my freedom

Jesus you’re the reason

I’m kneeling again at Your throne

Where would I be without You

Here in my life, here in my life?

You have said that all the heavens

Sing for joy at one who finds

The way to freedom, truth of Jesus

Bought from death into His life

And I remember how You saw me:

Through the eyes of Your grace

And though the cost was Your beloved for me

Still you made a way

Its the last chance to feel again

2009-06-11T20:02:00.003+08:00

with eos coming so so fast, the biggest question of this semester remains...

...

....

WHERE'S THE BEST PLACE FOR DIVING in kk? *sigh*

I don't know which one to choose.

Or perhaps climbing mount K should be enough? i don't like kk anyway. haha

electives! our much awaited holidaycumhospitalattachment. Heard QEH is being demolished. Gah!

a thought : with cling, jl and the three dahlings, tis going to be an interesting 2 weeks indeed. :)

oh! (magic lecture notes appear out of thin air!) hello there tuberculosis. Its nice to meet you again. Would you like to stay for a cup of tea?

byebye :)

Going Nowhere

2009-06-09T11:44:00.003+08:00

mwhahaahha. One of the funniest pick up lines I've heard so far.

Guy : Can I massage your feet?
Girl : Why would I let you?

Guy : Because they hurt.
Girl : They do?
Guy : You were running in my dreams all night.... Please have coffee with me.

haha, Paris Je t'aime... myheartcanmelt :)

okay okay, back to the land of cvs and respi.

kan bagus klu aku boleh lari pi france...

In weakness or trial or pain

2009-06-09T00:35:00.005+08:00

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

She's exhausted she's tired she's scared.

And yet, the sun still shines in the morning! There is still air in her lungs. There is still reason to live. She wonders.

herGodisaGodwhoprovides.

Breathe in, breathe out. 3 weeks. only.3.weeks.more.

"Me and all my friends, we're all misunderstood

2009-06-03T14:50:00.006+08:00

With Ash having epiphanies of chocolate, I couldn't help but to join in.

Addison in Private Practice said it perfectly - 'I'm avoiding being kissed. I'm gonna donate my lips to chocolate'

oh to turn down temptation >:(

After a rather weird conversation of random updates, mindless chatter, it had to end with the usual whys and whatswrongwithyous.

I wonder why we've come to the stage where arguing is becoming routine.

"Behind every argument is someone's ignorance."

- Louis D. Brandeis

The question is whose ignorance it is. Yours or mine?

"Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute."

- Josh Billings

I'm keeping these lips sealed for now.

Somebody call 911

2009-06-01T00:50:00.004+08:00

theres a cat meowing outside my apartment for the past one hour. I'm this close to throwing a rock at it :/

are cats edible? I wonder...

concentrate, natasha. concentrate!

hmm, why are there no stars in kl :( the sky's not even black. its greyish with a slight red-ish tint. stoopid pollution.

the CAT! still meowing.

focus natasha, focus!

creepy eye cat. yuck.

i wonder if I should go to sleep now.

where's your focus, woman!

gah, nontubercularinfectivediseaseofthelungs is silly.

creepy, meowing cats are silly.

silly girl.

Sing with your spirit, clap with your hands :)

2009-05-30T13:51:00.005+08:00

The thrill of the chase. that strange feeling, that adrenaline rush through your system, your heart going ten times its pace every time you catch even a glimpse of him whom you are in pursuit of, that even the mere thought of him turns your knees to jelly. That need to find him. That desire to not let him go until he blesses you.

I want that.

With the innerself in conflict. Oh, to turn down the flesh! To run. To pursue and seek only that.

His kingdom and his righteousness. cozeverythingelsewillbeaddeduntothat.

And, to starve what is not from him.

(somewhere in Montana - June '08)

I remember as I stood there taking this picture, a verse just suddenly came to mind...

For you will go out with joy And be led forth with peace; The mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you, And all the trees of the field will clap their hands. (Isaiah 55:12)

He deserves the best :)

I'm falling to pieces

2009-05-28T22:11:00.008+08:00

The dream is fading, now I'm staring at the door
I know its over cause my feet have hit the cold floor
Check my reflection, I ain't feelin what I see
It's no mystery

How can you marry someone who doesn't love you? How can somebody be that selfish? :''( Why so much pain? so much heartache :(

hati saya sudah hancur

Natasha doesn't like lovetriangleswithsadendings

stoopid movie. stoopid movie! It should be banned for making people cry. *sigh*

yes, it won best cinematography yes it was splendid acting BUT its too depressing. sigh.

Legends of the Fall guys, absolutely brilliant movie. depressing movie. top 10 in my list BUT still ohsosad :(

Whatever happened to a passion I could live for
What became of the flame that made me feel more
And when did I forget that
I was made to love you

I travel the world and the seven seas

2009-05-28T07:55:00.003+08:00

I have always had a complicated relationship with football. Despite the fact I grew up in a family with football crazy boys with the dad, brother, uncles and cousins always going kuku when it was time to see 20 grown men running around to get a ball with 2 other grown men making sure the ball didn't enter the net, I have never fallen in love with the game. Yes, I do find it interesting and yes, I don't find it torture to sit through an entire football match - but... I have never had that burning desire to support and root for a certain team. nor have I had that intense passion to get up at 4am in the morning just to see them in action... (for this I get a 'blek' by the wiseone)

However, the Barca vs Man Utd was a different story. I cannot describe that happy feeling I felt the moment Lionel Messi scored their second goal. Tho I think personally Man U played wonderfully well the first 10 minutes (I really thought they could win the whole thing), Barcelona practically stole the show the next 80 minutes. It was totally worth it to see Ronaldo getting frustrated minute by minute! mwahahaha. 2-0! I take joy in the little things thats annoying and killing others at this moment :)

Kini gemilang itu semakin pasti ku genggam...

2009-05-25T11:07:00.006+08:00

Freely You gave it all for us
Surrendered Your life upon that cross
Great is the love
Poured out for all
This is our God
Lifted on high from death to life
Forever our God is glorified
Servant and King
Rescued the world
This is our God

Thank you Lord for a new day, for air to breathe, for a reason to live.

Its is Monday. It is a beautiful non-bluey blue Monday :) and and and - the birds are singing!

Anyone else in love with Breakfast at Tiffany's?

Paul Varjak: I love you.
Holly Golightly: So what.
Paul Varjak: So what? So plenty! I love you, you belong to me!
Holly Golightly: [tearfully] No. People don't belong to people.
Paul Varjak: Of course they do!
Holly Golightly: I'll never let ANYBODY put me in a cage.
Paul Varjak: I don't want to put you in a cage, I want to love you!

*sigh* loveyoldschoolmovies i like :)

Put your record on

2009-05-24T21:31:00.002+08:00

I was having dinner with my extended family last night in this packed chinese restaurant in Bangsar Village when a thought hit me - Natasha, if someone were to suddenly collapse here in this room, would you know what to do? Do you remember cpr? Would you panic?

yes, looks like its time to hunt those cpr notes down! I

Better is one day in his court than thousands elsewhere. Ps 84:10

I'm learning the art of surrender. To turn my eyes upon Jesus. No bargaining, no doubts. To trust him and let everything else become secondary. To place him where he's supposed to be.

And for me to be broken. Shattered. In pieces... And let the moulding begin.

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Refrain

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

2009-05-23T02:23:00.004+08:00

Life is a maze and love is a riddle

I don't know where to go, can't do it alone

I've tried and I don't know why

I've been feeling much of an outcast

In fact, I enjoy the lonely moments really.

But yea, to get back on track.

Accountability.

I'm about to do something about it. so there.

All creation cries to you

2009-05-22T23:55:00.006+08:00

A million apologies for the long hiatus! Evidently, studying and the internet for me just doesn't work. One exam down with the major one coming in 5 weeks and counting!

Today was a rather eventful day. Was woken up by a weird dream involving Mira, new SRC rooms, gyming and high staircases :/ Finally caught a movie with the coolkid and me thinks she's gonna want to not watch movies with me anymore :(

The one true thing I've been struggling a lot about is with trust. and love. Trust and love. I've been finding myself at a lost. Wondering whether I love him because I've been brought up in that environment, wondering whether its an 'all in my head' thing and basically wondering whether its real. whether this love, this faith, is real...

However, again and again, I find myself reminded of how real he is. of how he cares. that even as king, he wants a relationship, he longs to hear our voice. he still wants to our time.

God's got perfect timing, really. Just when I was going through this tiny argument in my head, Daniel, in cf meeting shares about love. about joy. the simple things really. about joy and serving. To serve with your whole heart, to serve with joy. with love. no complains, to arguments. To serve a living King. :')

You see, its because he first loved us. That he died for my sins. That he IS the Alpha and Omega. I find myself forgetting that time after time. I find myself in a pit when trouble strikes but as Friedrich Nietzsche (a German philosopher with a cool name and even cooler moustache!! check it out here. mwhahaha) put it - "He who has a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'."

I've got my 'why' to live. so there.

Its time to continue the race, bearing every 'how' and 'what' and 'argh'!

Its a journey. Not an easy one, but its a journey I want to take.

One step at a time. learning, falling, getting up, walking. with him by my side, with him doing the steering. There's much to learn... to discover.

I want that desperation.

Here today and gone tomorrow

2009-05-17T11:27:00.004+08:00

I can't do this on my own.

Realizing last night how much I still truly lack and knowing my own strength is insufficient... Makes it actually harder to believe in a God that's real, that's mighty to save. But then again, he's bigger than this.

There is just so much to learn.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bad may have a bitter taste
But sweet will be the flower. —Cowper

My Jesus, My Saviour

2009-05-14T01:15:00.003+08:00

Cancer.

The something you're convinced happens to random people. Not people you know. Those names in paper were just that - names. Statistics and prognostics that had nothing to do with me. Until, of course, it comes and surprises you with a knock on the head or with a kick on the shin. :/

Funny how the surprises keep on coming... again and again.

Cancer.

The something you learn in class. When you hear of it for real, you remember that one lecture note. The one about the prognosis. The one about the high mortality rate. And for a second, you hope upon hope that you remember wrongly. That there is a cure. That something can be done. That its just a hiccup. A bad dream perhaps?

Stage 4.

It has to be a dream. The last time I heard this was less than 2 years ago. I thought, 'Lord, its impossible that you're letting this happen twice. Both also are people I know! Seriously?'

But, its real and its not going away.

You learn to live. To live despite the pain. To live with that hopelessness. Knowing you can't do anything. Wait. What do you mean hopelessness?! There is hope! Hope in him. Knowing He can. That He is mighty to save. That he will pull us through. Its when the night is the darkest that light shines the brightest, no?

I have nothing to say at this moment but am reminded of a song... 'The same power that conquered the grave lives in me, lives in me. Your love that rescued the earth lives in me, lives in me.'

Religion's really not about a set of rules. Its a love story :')

Some say he's just a good man

2009-05-11T20:05:00.003+08:00

God's chisel

no idea how to upload the video here. oh well, this video is a must watch :)

indeed we are a masterpiece. if we were truly junk? what would that reflect the maker? I used to laugh or deny it when someone said I'm special. that I'm different. you know? as unbelievable as it feels. as much as i'd like to deny it. I AM a masterpiece. And so are you. and you. and you. and you!

he made us in his image guys. the least we can do is honour him, love him, trust him.

Even in our faults, in our weakness, he can and will be made beautiful... How awesome is that?!

kudos to Joanne who introduced the video to us during sem1 cell group today. sis, you rock to infinity and beyond! :P

So I said

2009-05-09T09:29:00.006+08:00

She's moved on to a new room :D a much, much better place for sleepovers if you ask me. hehe

She's thinking of this bridal shower she's going to miss tonight :( and the one she missed 2 weeks ago! AGH.

She's feeling a bit dizzy. Must be coffee withdrawals seeing that there's no kettle in her place! (and she's too lazy to go buy a new one). or perhaps its the oversleeping this past few days?

She's wanting blueberries :( and cows! and sheep. the cute ones. with bells! yes, definitely cows with bells.

Isn't it easy to complain about something instead of doing something about it?

I wonder.

Why is it always easier to see someone else's flaw instead our own.

To press on, is not easy. To change, to deny myself. To learn, to get up when I fall. To turn the other cheek... Lord, the heart is willing but the flesh is weak!

It is hard,

You ask, is the final prize worth it? Will you even reach the finish line?

I know its worth it, I hope I do.

'..let us strip off every weight that slows us down & let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us.' Heb 12:1

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

2009-05-05T23:19:00.006+08:00

I have never felt this hopeless before.

I have never felt more like crying than now.

you see, theburden'snotminetocarry, right?

When I'm weak, he makes me strong. When I fall, he picks me up.

I can't do this on my own.

Love is Colour Blind

2009-05-01T22:10:00.005+08:00

I'm glad to be home :)

If only uni was near home... even with the squabbling and the hurting, there's the laughter and the fun.. i'd prefer it anytime! Everything is imperfectly perfect hehe

John Ed Pearce said it perfectly when he said 'Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to'

Does that mean I'm already in the 'growing old' phase?

There's nothing half so pleasant as coming home again.

me doggies are wonderfully adorable :)

Caught up in sorrow, lost in a song.

2009-04-30T01:09:00.003+08:00

what's happening to the generation today?

why can't you see the bigger picture?

it's not about you.

life is not about you.

stop wasting time. please stop breaking the hearts of them who raised you.

materialism won't get you anywhere.

fame and cussing wont get you anywhere as well trust me.

what's with the lying? the cheating? the unnecessary relationships you know won't last?

what's with the slandering? the disobedience?

SERIOUSLY.

please, just stop it.

Perhaps we need the reminder from Robert Francis Kennedy.. “It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope.”

can't you see you don't HAVE to follow the crowd? you can be your own person. being different is possible. there can be hope. there can be change. only if you let it.

please.

I am appalled at the state of many lives I've come across. I know I'm not the better person, but it hurts to see so many young lives wasting their lives away when so much can be done. Lives are being lived uneventfully.

They complain, they curse, they gossip and the excuse is - we're young therefore we're supposed to. I am saddened with the fact such mindsets still exist.

Life is so precious yet they fail to realize this. They fail to realize what they do matter. I refuse to accept the excuse I've been given by a dozen parents and friends - 'their young and they'll grow out of it'.

If one is not taught at an early age, how are they expected to learn it? If they can't do it now, do you expect them to suddenly figure things out once their in college? in university? Do you seriously expect them to suddenly get an epiphany one day going 'yes, i have to stop doing this rubbish'. It is, to put it mildly, very frustrating.

Your excuse that 'they are still teenagers and will grow out of it' is unfounded. saying that 'teaching them now will suffocate them and will cause them to rebel..' (seriously?) is, I'm sorry to say - stupid. as much as I respect you, I have to disagree.

They need to be told off. and if you're not going to. I will.

Mind you, I know I'm just a few years older then these kids I'm referring too, but I feel OLD. The things they do, the things they say, really scare me. So now I know.. that's what happens when there's no discipline from the parents. Too bad.

'Cause all of the stars..

2009-04-26T23:01:00.005+08:00

Who am I that You are mindful of me
That You hear me when I call
Is it true that You are thinking of me
How You love me it's amazing

I got lost today after church when I had to send a friend back to UM. What should have been a 15 minute drive became an unplanned two hour plus road trip (whheeeee)... Its not something I'm complaining about because I actually enjoyed going around kl! (either that or the Holy Spirit was really really giving me unmeasurable peace.) - we started off in PJ where a wrong daring turn brought us to Mont Kiara, Damansara Utama, One Utama, Mid Valley, KLCC and eventually we ended up on the road to Seremban where a quick turn to the left found us on the road to Kompleks Sukan Negara. I was very tempted to just go back to Vista! then of course, we took Kesas back to Subang..blablabla and then finally, the emo 30 minute drive back to Klang... haha

The feeling of being lost, that hopeless, frustrating feeling, is not a very nice feeling, mind you. The most frustrating thought would be the fact we were so close to our destination and only one stoopid wrong turn caused a major, major detour. (detours - sounds like my walk with him at times..)

I know this is pretty random.. but I was reminded of Naomi when she was 'lost'. Her life was in a mess and what's worst was that there was no major destination she wanted to reach. At least in my case, I had a goal, a destination. I had to reach Klang before the grandma called for a search team for her granddaughter! It wasn't so for her now, was it? She had a plan (like how I had a plan to go to UM and come back in time for dinner...) She and her husband had gone to Moab during a famine and their sons had married Moabite women.. Life was good - until her husband and sons died and she was stuck as a widow in a foreign land... then what good were the plans now?

'Though honest about her pain, Naomi obviously had a sense of who was in control: “The Lord has testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me” (Ruth 1:21).

The Hebrew word for “Almighty” (Shaddai) indicates God’s sufficiency for any situation. The word “Lord” (Yahweh) refers to His faithfulness as the loving covenant-keeping God. I love how Naomi put these two names together. In the midst of her complaint, she never lost sight of the fact that her God was a capable and faithful God. And, sure enough, He proved His capability to deliver her and His faithfulness to care for her to the very end.

If there seems to be no way out of your despair, remember that Naomi’s God is your God as well. And He specializes in managing our messes to good and glorious outcomes. Thankfully, He is both capable and faithful. So, when your life is a mess, remember who your God is!

—Joe Stowell, RBC Ministries

In a lighter note, I have no plans to inflict anymore pain to the poor car that's already been around KL in less than one night... Its perfect timing really, for the much needed weekend break back home with no more kl driving.. 3 days and counting!

mandi time.. studying time

selamat malam!

i dreamed a dream

2009-04-25T23:34:00.009+08:00

Attention to all! do not, i repeat, do NOT watch the movie/musical Les Misérables if you ever get the chance. unless of course you enjoy a thought provoking, 'handsomely mounted, strikingly photographed and exquisitely acted' movie/musical.

its the kind of movie that teases your soul throughout and in the end just stabs you in the heart. the sadness in the movie is so real, I promise you, my heart actually started hurting. (yes, that is exactly how I felt after watching it) honestly, its a good movie. it reminds you of how much life has to offer and how us selfish creatures have taken a lot of things in life for granted. It shows the two contras - the beauty of life and the brutality of life. you get to witness how ugly the world can get and yet, we are also given the choice of lighting a light instead of cursing the darkness. itstimetodosomething.

As Victor Hugo puts it - "People are ignorant of things they ought to know, and know things of which they ought to be ignorant."

you know what? I LIKED the movie a lot. you'd want to buy the dvd and keep it forever because its that good. :)

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

I would love, love, LOVE to watch it live in Broadway :) I've heard its better than the movie...

The musical is based on a Victor Hugo novel (familiar with Hunchback of Notre Dame anyone?)... it's set in 19th century France (I am loving the accent and country!) depicting the life of Jean Valjean, a Frenchman who is imprisoned for 19 years because he stole A LOAF OF BREAD for his sister and mum (also, he attempted to escape several times, causing them to just leave him in jail longer).

He eventually gets released but he has to carry a stupid yellow card to inform everyone he's a convict.. Obviously, everyone refuses to help him.. anyway, to cut the extremely long story short, I come to the conclusion I cannot give summaries of movies la. I'll end up telling the whole story :/ those interested can check this out hehe

in a nutshell, it covered so many aspects I can see and relate to the world today. Prejudices, injustice, hunger, compassion, love, transformation, acceptance etc. The scenes where Jean acts as surrogate father for Cossete will make you go 'ohhsshhoosssshhwweeettt!' The only problem is that the movie was highly abridged! me needs to go get the book asap mwahahaaha.. But seriously, the movie got me so worked up I think sleep just disappeared :/ the plot was complex and there was so much focus on the revolutions in France then that I googled it all and abandoned all hopes of finishing parasito lectures tonight.

There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
-Les Miserables

Its one of those movies.. they stay and never leave. :)

We can go the distance

2009-04-20T10:41:00.004+08:00

Ike tagged me in this note in facebook. If anything's stumbling you from pursuing life, this is a must read!

Italian scientist, turning 100, still works

ROME – Rita Levi Montalcini, a Nobel Prize-winning scientist, said Saturday that even though she is about to turn 100, her mind is sharper than it was she when she was 20.

Levi Montalcini, who also serves as a senator for life in Italy, celebrates her 100th birthday on Wednesday, and she spoke at a ceremony held in her honor by the European Brain Research Institute.

She shared the 1986 Nobel Prize for Medicine with American Stanley Cohen for discovering mechanisms that regulate the growth of cells and organs.

"At 100, I have a mind that is superior — thanks to experience — than when I was 20," she told the party, complete with a large cake for her.The Turin-born Levi Montalcini recounted how the anti-Jewish laws of the 1930s under Benito Mussolini's Fascist regime forced her to quit university and do research in an improvised laboratory in her bedroom at home.

"Above all, don't fear difficult moments," she said. "The best comes from them."

"I should thank Mussolini for having declared me to be of an inferior race. This led me to the joy of working, not any more unfortunately, in university institutes but in a bedroom," the scientist said.Her white hair elegantly coifed and wearing a smart navy blue suit, she raised a glass of sparkling wine in a toast to her long life.

Source : http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090418/ap_on_re_eu/eu_italy_people_levi_montalcini

I can't make it through without a way back into love

2009-04-19T20:52:00.005+08:00

"The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family." ~Thomas Jefferson

"From pale white to dark black, we've got the whole spectrum, baby!"

- Ps Mark V.

As iron sharpens iron, no one can grow in isolation. yes, I thank God for my family :) for parents who are so cute when they worry (especially if they think I'm purposely falling sick haha) and brother who calls randomly and just makes your day. for the cousins who are there to listen to your crap, smacking you when the need arises.

you know what? family includes the friends. the ones that have helped in every way. the ones that have built me. Encouraging, exuberant, truthful and wonderfully hilarious friends. the ones that bear with the tempers and the weirdness..

i think Ungu says it best..

Terbelenggu cintamu
Terhempasku di dalam pelukanmu
Bermandikan air surga
Membasuh jiwa
Menghempaskan seluruh dahaga

hehe. a bit too descriptive but yea.

anywayy, with the end of the weekend, its full throttle tomorrow! so, is it wrong to already be thinking of the next weekend? hehe

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. ~Jane Howard

Lord, you have my heart

2009-04-18T16:47:00.003+08:00

To contend, to seek.. No more compromise.

I learned that what you agree to, you empower. Agree with depression, you feed depression. you let it determine your moods. day after day, it can only get worse. its a never ending cycle! But in the same way.. to agree with God, is to allow him to work. you allow him to manifest himself in your life. Then your actions are not determined by your circumstance, but are determined by something greater than us.

that fear of the Lord. where we look to him in reverence and in awe.. in obedience..

When David teaches "the fear of the Lord" in Psalm 34, he says, "Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking guile. Turn away from evil, and do good, seek peace and pursue it" (vs 14-15). Turning from evil should lead to doing good. So you see, the next time someone is annoying - get this - you WON'T get annoyed! you won't get pissed. haha.

There is actually so much to learn from the bible. hehe

I wear a halo

2009-04-06T23:52:00.003+08:00

of late people have been accusing me of being rather melodramatic. in simpler terms, i've been perceived to be somewhat depressed/emo lately. Tis not the case really. in fact, i've been having a pretty crazy week that has rendered me not depressed but contented :).

if I have been looking rather down, worry not my dear minions, for tis the look of a person deep in thought *cough cough* a person trying to get her bearings right, a girl shifting through parallels of her own world (where everyone randomly bursts out into song) and the world she has been forced to live in.

So yes, bear with me as I continue this random and pointless post.

Homesick.

Yes, this girl needs to go home. Too much things around me have been reminders of what I've left back home. It only recently hit me that I'm never going back the same. No more staying at home except during the hols. (hols that always, ALWAYS pass like the wind. bleh.) No more routines. New chapters, new schedules, new direction.

Not knowing where I'll be just makes me want to hold my God's hand more than ever.

carpe diem. To seize the day. no more wasting time. no more regretting.

life is too precious to care what others think about you.
sing out of tune today. sing out LOUD.
mess your hair, jump a little.

laugh.. just because you want to.

haha.

trust me, its good for the soul.

My feet are planted on this rock and I will not be shaken

2009-04-02T03:11:00.004+08:00

Your praise is always on my lips

Your word is living in my mouth

And I will praise you in a new song

Taking his hand.. One step at a time.

Only when no one is watching do we really fall apart.

2009-04-01T19:42:00.009+08:00

I'm sorry about today.

I truly am.

I didn't mean to. But you needed to know.

You see, I have feelings.

And, guess what?

You hurt them.

Is there anyone who’s been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who’s traded
In the altar for a stage..

(my goodness. this sounds so horrible depressing. breathe natasha.. BREATHE... i'm fine. i'm fineeeee. just a bit self absorbed today. to die to myself. GAH. its hard.)

you see, its just been one of THOSE days.

you know, when the singing birds just annoy the heck out of you. when the talking just.has.to.stop!

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person

That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

If you could see what I see..

2009-03-31T22:50:00.003+08:00

Its funny how time passes so much now that I’ve grown older. I remember distinctly how slow time used to pass when I was younger. For next week to come, it seemed like forever. And yet, now, next week is just coming to fast. Perhaps it’s because we had every week to look forward to. Now when I don’t want it to come, it of course, wants to come all the more, faster. Perhaps I should anticipate next week, so much til time passes slowly. Ah well, wishful thinking.

An old, nay, elderly (we're taught NOT to be rude in csu haha) man stopped me on my walk back from uni to Vista today. He honked at me and asked for directions to Sri Petaling. Apparently my directions were not clear enough that he parked aside the road and asked me to draw him a map. But of course, he has to mention that I shouldn’t be stopping for any stranger asking for help. Its not as if I go around throwing myself at strangers who seem to need help. But come on la, discernment is there for a reason. There were people with me and the guards were just less than 10 feet away. Common sense would tell you it was safe and the poor uncle really was lost. What happened to good old-fashioned courtesy - where helping strangers was considered a good thing and not insanely dangerous for fear of being mugged, robbed and heaven forbid, kidnapped in broad daylight. What happened to a pleasant ‘thank you for your help’? Instead, all I got was ‘next time when people ask you for directions, WALK AWAY. Its dangerous to help people nowadays.’ Maybe that’s what I should have done, ran for my life when he asked for help.

Ridiculous if you ask me.

Something should be done. We should feel SAFE walking to and fro uni. And it should be SAFE dammit to want to help people. The spirit of chivalry is dead I tell you. DEAD. If this is how things are going now, I actually can imagine a future where people will just mind their own business-indifferent, rude and oblivious to their surroundings. It doesn’t hurt to stop and smile you know. That’s another one of those ridiculous situations I’ve had to come across lately. What happened to smiling just because I want to? You don’t have to fricking get their whole family history every time you say hi to someone. Nor do you have to worry about how the person will perceive your smile to be. It’s their problem really if they think something else of your smile. A simple smile alone goes a long way. And YET, even that is so hard to accomplish sometimes. Some people ah, they just need a good smack on the head to bring them back down to earth.

Of course, the best part of today was the food. lots and lots of it. (I've a strong notion that they actually put cas-cas (kas-kas?) inside their food. no food can be THAT addictive!) interesting conversations with pervy people. medstudents i tell you. haha. learnt more than i needed to today :/

The best is yet to come

2009-03-24T21:36:00.003+08:00

there's so much to say

but nothing to say if you won't listen.

I thought we've been through it all. the high ups and the definite very low lows. (forgive the cacated english)

I've tried my best, only to realize it was exactly that. Just my best. My own efforts. With no help. Not from anyone and definitely not from you. I thought independence showed my maturity.

It just proved my ignorance.

No more of this self sufficiency, I'm leaving it all up to you. Not because I can. But because I want to. Of course, the fear is crazy. Not knowing what lies ahead, not knowing which step leads where but with only enough light to lead my day.

Plans alone rite, I've got a ton. I thought I was set for at least the next 4 years. (being how I'm sure God brought me here and He'll get me through med school. blek.) And yet, there was something lacking. Something someone pointed out today. its been me just taking for granted the good things.

but.

tomorrow is a brand new day.

his mercies are new every morning.

littlest things

2009-03-19T22:31:00.002+08:00

we're a bunch of kookies i tell you. kookies

gah!

i'm losing my confidence. my mind. my everything.

i need. to breathe.

days have been long and the weekend is almost here.

so why the distress i wonder.

What am i gonna do when the best part of me was always you?

2009-03-19T00:35:00.005+08:00

I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you...

Okay, so here we go. I decided to run for Culture and Religious Rep for SRC with Husting's Day (a forum cum debate thingy) commencing on Friday. Got 2 tasks to complete by next week and campaigning starts tomorrow! i am scared. BUT. its not about me anymore, is it?

I have been more than blessed. To have friends who sacrifice their time, their effort. its not easy! haha. but the journey's been fun so far with them by my side.

note to self : Laugh more. Frown less. Complain not, Love more.

You're the only one

2009-03-10T06:00:00.007+08:00

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want
Think I’m addicted to your light

Lecithin / sphingomyelin ratio

Reid Index

Raynaud's Phenomenon

Microscopic Polyangiitis

Hypersensitive pneumonitis

These names are staring back at me now even as I attempt to waste more time not studying. I don't know if its the stress or the adrenaline rush.. but I'm not liking it very much.

i miss sleep :(

sleep.. where for art thou!

I've realized that pleasing people shouldn't be a chore. Wanting to make people happy should not be an obligation. And I'm learning from the best people around. Funny how God puts the right people in your life in the exact right season you need them.

Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. —Psalm 37:3

I've been counting my blessings.. and realizing that he has indeed been faithful.. (its up to us anyway to see the cup as half full or half empty. blek.) for the funniest mum and dad with the biggest hearts. for a crazy brother (who i havent heard from in ages *sigh*sigh*SIGH*). for friends who make the world go round, friends with different skin tone. friends who look radianttt, friends who sshiinneee :P blek.

i think..

i'm in love.

and its a good place to be. :)

I swore I’d never fall again
But this don’t even feel like falling
Gravity can’t forget
So pull me back to the ground again

Last one standing

2009-03-09T10:47:00.002+08:00

This is where I'll find the strength to carry on
This is where I'll find the strength to stand

Coming out to breathe

2009-03-08T14:08:00.005+08:00

Orientation is O-V-E-R!

* MEDT109 bootcamp. Can you survive? *

I didn't bring a camera for last night's finale night. nevertheless, after a rough start, everything went smoothly with the ever amazing Korwoi and dear Elvyna emceeing and making sure everything went well. Tho there was a lack of communication among us finale night people, me thinks the event went pretty well.

Of course, no one needs to know this but I was pleased (happified, really) with my amazing amazing friends who did so much! The time machine, the backdrop was purely them and they did an awesome job with everything! pictures as proof to come soon! oh, also not forgetting the disco ball which my dear neighbour and friend Losh Bosh and I managed to complete haha. after sleepless nights lol. everytime someone bounced it i think my heart bounced as well. agh. also, i'm awed la. amazing people (who i heart *sigh*) came dressed up haha. ABBA, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis, Whitney.. guys, i hoped you had fun! we had a pimp in the crowd, and some really original retro outfits. all was good. :)

We need a proper costume party tho. I might just come as Big Bird or the Cookie Monster.

...

....

.....

...

..

funny when things happen and bring new perspective.. a new outlook on life. a different way of perceiving things.

we may not always like each other. but heck, we've made it this far. There's so much to improve in myself. To change. After everything I've done and said, I find it hard to see that his grace is still more than enough. His love is still there. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. —Romans 5:8 I don't know what my Christ sees in me but I'm glad he still loves me. I don't know what He saw in me but I'm glad he believed, In spite of my condition that His mission was to rescue my heart. Don't understand the sacrifice, why You gave up Your life for the sake of my soul..

I still don't understand. I don't deserve all this. Teach me O Lord to obey you.

Speak slowly, I can't hear you

2009-03-03T15:33:00.004+08:00

"My eyes are so blurry
I guess I'm young but I feel so weary"

So it goes folks, she was diagnosed with a case of otitis media. The kind where you feel your ears are going to pop out anytime. not the nicest thing to have right now. :( I guess the silver lining to the whole thing is knowing what kind of drugs the doctors' got me on..

In another note, Prof JPJ and Prof Srikumar MIGHT perform for finale night this Saturday.. so thats at least one more reason to come!

another nonsensical post, this is.

sigh.

over and out.

I'm alone on a bicycle for two..

2009-03-03T10:16:00.002+08:00

Seems like bits&pieces has been quiet for awhile. its not that i dont like being under the scrutiny of others. nor (like someone put it so meanly) do i find joy in 'discovering how many sad lives out there actually read this pathetic thing' (see, evil one, i quoted thee!)
Its been a rough road the past few weeks ane she just needed a breather. to fill everyone up on things, i've been given the honour of falling SEEEEEEEK a week before summatives. N it's not a good thing, trust me. The mood swings have not been much help either.i predict i've a ton of apologies to send out by the end of next week. Despite the laughless days, i am in fact, having a great week. haha. I have great sisters who i know will be there :) and i have an awesome grandma who makes d best chicken soup! Sigh. Okay, me thinks its the codeine kicking in. It's cool knowing exactly what you're forced to swallow every few hours:)

Mengejar hadirmu.

2009-02-19T00:40:00.002+08:00

of late, i've been feeling a little lost. a little dissatisfied. its been one of those 'why am i here' moments crossed with 'i want to do more' moments. there seems to be an awful large contradiction with one part of me wanting change yet with the other part of me not bothered to do anything.

despite that, my papa has been faithful even in the little things. even with me being so self absorbed lately, he makes a way for greater blessing, greater callings, life encounters. its times like this I realize there is so much more to know about the God who created the heavens and the earth. Who is this who put life into motion? Who separated the skies from the oceans. Who calmed the raging sea. Who breathe hope in me.

2009. a year of seeking him. To knowing him more. To making him known. To learn about him. To put my entire trust in him. To deny myself the pleasures I seek. For the glory of his name.

Lord, let me drink. let me find rest in you. It seems its easier to sink in a depressed mood rather than a joyful mood. : /

BUT, i'm done living with sadness. I'm done not taking control of my emotions! Tomorrow is a new day. a new start. the old has gone, the new has come.

The joy of the Lord.. is my strength :)

Take it all.

2009-02-15T11:24:00.004+08:00

This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.

I saw her standing there

2009-02-14T16:58:00.008+08:00

its not that i have a fear of cockroaches.. its just that i've had this pest problem for almost a year already and its beginning to be very annoying. for all i know i have mutant pests crawling underneath my bathroom. oh well, ignorance is bliss. i'd rather not think about it.

in another note, i've realized a lot about myself lately. I've lost the spark, the edge. the passion. the need. i don't have that anymore.

When the heart grieves over what is has lost, the spirit rejoices over what it has left.

so much has gone. but its time to take charge of things. time to look to him. time to surrender everything. i need to get excited.

its time to start rejoicing over what I've got left.

I don't deserve so much. and I wonder how much He can love me despite of how I've been.

Anywhere you are
Is never too far away
There’s freedom from your scars
The mistakes that you’ve made
Forgiven
The memories erased
Baby, that’s the beauty of grace

-Beauty of Grace, Krystal Meyers

Its been an interesting few weeks. not terribly cheerful and oh-so-bubbly but its been bearable. heh. i sound morbid. i feel morbid for i don't know what reason :/ its been a good day tho.. tha day started out perfect enough! woke up with a lover on my side just for Valentine's :P (i'll just keep it at that. haha)

its a good day indeed.

So what? I'm still a rockstar.

2009-02-13T02:31:00.005+08:00

with pbl in 8 hours, i should have been finishing whatever I've yet to finish.. So I decided to take a quick nap. i switched off the lights and just as i was about to doze off, something fell on my leg. I knew exactly what it was! ARGH. i jumped off my bed, ran to switch on the lights, and lo and behold, there lying on my bed where my feet had been.. was a stupid cockroach. a stoopid icky crawly yucky freaking cockroach. even after 3 visits from pest control, they seem to have not disappeared.

stoopid cockroaches i tell you.

because of one cockroach, sleep has left me. left me sitting in a corner of my room, wishing for the umpteenth time that I had someone to come kill all of them and let me sleep in peace. oh where art thou much needed cockroach exterminator? my life i shall owe you forever. ugh.

so irritating.

let us stand as one, united with the common goal to destroy every single cockroach still crawling the earth!

they deserve no less.

Reason enough

2009-02-03T11:42:00.003+08:00

I don't know what You saw in me
But I'm glad You believed
In spite of my condition
That Your mission was to rescue my heart
Don't understand the sacrifice
Why You gave up Your life for
the sake of my soul
Only heaven knows

There's a mystery that lies
Within the logic of Your love
There's an undying mercy
That I'm unworthy of

New week. Lecturers. PBLs. Friends. People.

I need to get back on track. Somehow

My strength when I am weak

2009-01-31T03:46:00.003+08:00

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and for deeds left undone. ~Harriet Beecher Stowe, Little Foxes, 1865

I have a problem. You see, I got upset. I got a little mean. And yet, these people, they still came over. Of all times to come, they chose the time i was going to bed. UGH. But, they still came. :) haha. the 3 crazies. Life is definitely more colourful because of them.

Nael, Kev & Bey, I know you guys will never read this.. but just for the record, thanks. for everything.

Kev & Abbey left leaving something behind.. You see, they got me thinking.

Who has despised the day of small things? —Zechariah 4:10

'Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin.' (NLT version)

It made me wonder. We're so caught up with bigger things in life. our career, our jobs, our relationships. What about the small things? What about the tiny things? what do we do about the littlest things that somehow matter? Like honesty and friendships?

You can be caught up in your own world or you can choose to admit your failures and be transparent.

We live in a culture where being wrong is forbidden. Bigger is better. the bigger the dream the better, no? We want people to see us strong and collected. No room for mistakes. Size is the measure of success in their eyes.

But size is nothing; substance is everything (David Roper). I learnt today to not care about me. To be transparent. To be honest. To be, well, gullible. Fragile. Letting your true friends see you for who you really are.

Broken.

And needing her Savior. Now more than ever.

Now is a phase and it’s changing

2009-01-30T22:50:00.003+08:00

That fire you ignited
Good, bad and undecided
Burns when I stand beside it
Your light is ultraviolet

It was time to toggle around blogger on my own.. and results? New layout! wheee :)

Thanks babe for the previous one. I have finally learnt the art of editing templates!

I admit I've been falling short in a lot of things.. not handling things as well as I should.

I spent the past two days mostly at home. Something I've not been able to do for quite awhile. And you know what? It feels great! doingabsolutelynothing.

the downside of it?

there's absolutely nothing on tv. nada. zero. zilch.

I wish I could say I've been doing important stuff. Beneficial stuff. YET this girl is just too much. gah!

the cynic was right, I needed time off.

and i'm enjoying it a second at a time :)

I found something rather interesting on the paper a few days ago. Its a site (Postcrossing.com) where you can exchange postcards with people around the world. You send postcards to the addresses the site gives you and you, at the same time, receive postcards from random people around the world!

Is that awesome or what??

*grin grin grin GRIN* :D

haha. now i've got to actually find a shop in sandakan that sells postcards. :/

in another note, ive got horrible friends i tell you. horrible.

break my heart now you know

2009-01-29T00:03:00.003+08:00

i is here.

alone.

i can blame it on the mood swings.

but heck, why put the blame on the poor hormones? their doing their job, arent they?

so, i is here.

and i'm hurt.

dammit.

you should have known better.

and you have the audicity to do that?

guys, it hurts. what you did hurt!

*angry moment will pass by Natasha.. just BREATHE*

maybe coming home wasn't a good idea after all. Mugging seems so tempting now. anything is better than this.

so i'm here.

alone.

and so it goes, when she's pissed, when she's hurt.. she listens to...

she shalt not berjiwang again after this!

oh well. lilly's waiting for her.

Usejustoneword :)

2009-01-28T20:21:00.005+08:00

something I got from TheBrownWoman :)

Not as easy as you might think! Now forward, change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It's really hard to only use one word answers. Be sure to send back to the person you received it from!

Where is your cell phone? - Here
Your significant other? - Nonexistent
Your mother? - Wonderful
Your father? - Unpredictable
Your favourite thing? - Bible
Your dream last night? - Clouds
Your favorite drink? - orangejuice (one word!)
Your dream/goal? - Loads!
What room are you in? - TV
Your hobby? - Writing
Your Fear? - Loss
Where do you want to be in 6 years? - Europe
Where were you last night? - Grandma's
Muffins? - Banana
Wish list item? - Sunnies
Last thing you did? - Cough
What are you wearing? - Pjs
TV? - Friends
Your pets? - Doggies!
Friends? - Amazing
Your life? - Crazy
Your mood? - Unpredictable
Missing someone? - Yes :(
Drinking? - Occasionally
Smoking? - ugh
Your car? - Discovery
Something you're not wearing? - Contacts
Your favorite store? - Borders!
Your favorite color? - Purple
When is the last time you cried? - '08
Who will resend this? - Noidea
Where do you go to over and over? - Bathroom?
Five people who email me regularly? - Mummy, Ann Ying, Sarah, Church, Facebook
My favorite place to eat? - Sushiplacehaha
Favorite place I'd like to be at right now? - 7-heaven
Four people I think will respond - Meriell, Zia, Sab, charmedling?

this was fun :)

'You ask me why I do not write something... I think one's feelings waste themselves in words, they ought all to be distilled into actions and into actions which bring results.'

-Florence Nightingale

tiada yang tinggal

2009-01-27T22:58:00.003+08:00

ok, so here's the thing. I have NOT been emo yet somehow Radja seemed to somehow enter my songlist and now I cant get enough of them.

They should get an award for their extremely emotional songs. Its been awhile since I've embraced my Malay heritage. (Technically, there's no Malay blood in me. just loads of Malay relatives and their influence hehe) So for now, Radja and Letto tops the emo song list.. haha

Seandainya bila waktu dapat berubah
Aku ingin ulang kisah yang pernah ada
Dan biarkan cinta basuh luka yang tersisa
Agar aku tak lupa dari rasaku yang fana

-Seandainya by Radja

Chinese New Year this time was an eye opener. It was different. Calmer. peacefuller. interestinger? hmm. but quieter as well.

I met the people who fed my dad in his younger years. Spoilt him rotten actually. Even after all these years they still see him as the small kid before. Its quite funny actually to see your dad treated like a child. haha. more on that next time..

what I really wanted to jot down is this..

This is going to sound so stupid. so Charmedling, Ash, Zia, bear with me ppllleeaaseee dears. You can smack me on the head if you feel the need to do so.

Well, I found out yesterday, that a cousin's cousin (who was in IMU years ago) recently got married to another fellow med student he had met in his first year in IMU. They started dating 1st year in med school and they are now MARRIED. woah. another friend of my cousin went to Adelaide for clinical school and ended up getting HITCHED to a fellow IMU senior. another acquaintance is also getting married, 2 months after graduating. oh oh, another friend got married to her classmate 3 MONTHS after finishing med school. the list goes on..

BASICALLY, what it all means, is..

there is hope.

there is possibility.

of what?

go figure.

hehe. oh yes there's plenty of it! :)

mind you, this is just a silly superficial post by a silly so called blogger who spent her evening looking through Instyle wedding magazines & wedding photo blogs (Photogs Louis Pang & Kid Chan pictures are simply lovely!). she's in a little world right now dreaming of nonexistent lush beaches, majestic stallions and biutipul white flowers (daisies or roses?! decisions, decisions!) :P

sound the sirens!

she's finally gone mental.

me thinks its the overeating the past few days. plus the nonexistent studying. (this is where the cynic's help is greatly needed.) PLUS the fact she's going home.. added with her need to not study.. and the food. oh, the food.. and the laziness.. ugh.

you see, its going to her brains already.

I'm grateful tho.. for my family :) He has been faithful. in fact, God has been more than faithful. Like a cup being filled, he's OVER filling it. despite the bickering and the ill feelings, the whole family got together for cny. and had fun :)

reminds me of a song back from Sunday School..

'My God is so big, so strong and so mighty there's nothing my God cannot do..'

ease my mind

2009-01-27T01:01:00.003+08:00

Sarah: No more lies. No more secrets.
Alfred Borden: Secrets are my life.
-The Prestige

having sealed lips should be considered a gift.

i wonder.

Imagine me and you, I do.

2009-01-23T09:30:00.004+08:00

*sigh*

We'll be down one woman this year. she's off galloping on the icy hills of the States..

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

There is a reason why I think Malaysia is not so bad after all.

We've got one festive season after the other.

And of course I'm not one to complain.

Its an excuse to go crazy with the family.

4 days and counting!

i'm hoping this time some people can make it :(

my whole family (esp my grandma) already thinks I'm a loner in uni.

perhaps its time to start hiring people to come and pretend to be my friend.

anyone interested?

the deal comes with an all-you-can-eat lunch with perhaps a game or two of taboo.. or maybe twister?

In the end we conserve only what we love

2009-01-17T09:12:00.006+08:00

And we will only understand what we are thought.

*Something I wrote on Saturday..

Yesterday was a rather down day for me. In fact, I didn't realize I've been having a lot of those days until a certain chili padi pointed it out yesterday.

'You seem to always emo ah'

haha. I prefer the term 'always emotional about stuff.'

A penny for your thoughts? Is it okay to get a penny for my thoughts instead? haha.

with advice from miss chili padi, i'll write them down. not emo poems. but my thoughts.

I don't think I wanna burn them tho.

A year and a day ago.

I remember waking up early in the morning. the parents had already left the day before. It seemed that he hadn't gotten better. So they left to kl. I really wanted to go as well la. But I assumed I'd just see him the following week or something whe

n we left to kl.

the call came in the morning. 10am?11? or was it 9? He went home.

Yew, I'm sorry, I don't remember the time.

Then my thoughts went back a few years. I was trying to remember stuff about you. they were all very vague at this point.

I remember him pulling the trousers of all the other little boys. haha. (and my brother was no exception! hehe) He was the older one. The guy everyone looked up too by us younger cousins. dont remember tho how old we were. But we were happy. He had morbid fun tho. involving pinching the little ones and making fun of us til we cried. Something my late grandfather did as well. good naturedly la of course. our mum's will always pretend to scold him and my granddad, with the intention of making us feel better. we always got rewarded with

sweets afterward for crying. explains the round shape now i suppose.

I was, hmm, 9 years old? 10?

I remember him asking yours truly and my dad to emcee his wedding reception. was so afraid I'd ruin the evening! I did it anyway. It went well. He said thank you even though I couldn't stop the family from going on stage over and over again to sing. I'm guessing

that's why people so many people left after the 19th encore.

I remember the wedding. in one of those old churches in kk. the one with the stained glass on the walls and ceilings. There was this arch of flowers. I remember thinking, 'I'm gonna have red daisies and white roses for mine.' and you know what, I still do. Probably just daisies tho. I like daisies :) Everyone who's watched You've Got Mail will know why :)

I remember seeing the bride walking in. I remember there were loads of smiles. But I can't remember how you were faring. everyone's attention is always on the bride, no? never on the groom til she reaches him. we should pay more attention to the groom next time.

I remember wondering why Wan and Sheena got to wear cute pink dresses. and why I wasn't asked to :(

I remember the most random stuff.

Fast track to 2007 and I remember finishing an exam paper and heading back to Klang for Diwali. I remember eating rojak. or was it popiah? when my aunty asked 'how is your cousin doing? do you know he is sick?' I assumed he was hospitalised because of some minor matter. I remember not thinking much about it. Even when I saw him that night I do not remember seeing anything that could have indicated the extent of his pain.

For those of you reading this far, thanks for bearing with me. I'm not that good of a writer :)

The extent of his disease didn't hit me even after my uncle and aunty came that following week. Cancer to me was something we could treat in this century, no?

4th stage - well, it was just a number, wasn't it?

I remember seeing him smile. That familiar smirk appeared. He was going to be fine. They gave him a month but I knew my God was mighty to save.

A month came, a month passed. Then two months. We proved the doctors wrong! He was going to be fine.

He was going to be fine dammit. he was.

I remember his dream. That dream he had when he was in UH. He told my dad he saw Jesus with a sniper shooting away at the cancer. He even drew it in a little black book.

We knew we needed a miracle. In our minds we were sure of a miracle.

But you know, God works in mysterious ways. Its so cliche but its true - His ways are higher than ours. His thoughts are far better than our own.

Its when the night is the darkest that light shines the brightest.

Blaming God came easier than expected. If he was real he would've done something. Why did he not heal him? Then it hit home. God loved him enough to want to take him first, no? There is always beauty in the broken.. There's that hope even after death that helps deal with things. Tears may come but you know what, the joy comes in the mourning. because no matter what happened, he is still God. the author and perfector of our faith.. The creator of the universe. He's huge :/

Heal him he did not. but save him he did. I may have not been there to witness things first hand, but I know he fought with all his heart. he did his best. and I believe it came to a point where he surrendered everything to his Papa. And he went home.

There's so much I don't understand! And I don't think I ever will.

but he is still Lord.

Life still goes on.

Life goes on with purpose.

Life runs with ambition, goals and dreams all tucked along the way.

one year later I'm done with first year. Caught up with studies, moving house, family and everything else. Have my thoughts on him changed? Has my path changed lanes? Am I the person I would like to be? I'd like to think that we've got to live everyday with true meaning. Do something worthwhile. Say something nice. Take a break. Study fervently.

I remember my cousin as someone who lived live to the fullest. He had been to more places around the world at his young age than most people twice his age. Laughter was true medicine for him. He knew smiles cost anything. He went the extra mile. (I remember one time he sent my brother and i back to Klang at midnight. even when he didn't have to..) heh.

Achilles will be one year old soon. I remember him having an argument with my cousin Kak Lina. 'Kenapa bah kau mau kasi nama anakmu Achilles. nanti kei pergi sekolah kena buli habis!' We thought he was joking about the name. But now I can't imagine him with any other name. To think he chose the name because he liked Brad Pitt in Troy. Very amusing, no? But that was Aaron! haha. he had a sense of humor.

so if there's one thing I could say to everyone..

please laugh more. smile more. stop holding on to the past. stop tormenting yourself with grudges dammit

and laugh. :)

A year has gone, but his memory? its still real.. still real.

So we sailed on to the sun till we found the sea of green

2009-01-14T23:02:00.003+08:00

We all live in a yellow submarine,yellow submarine, yellow submarine..

Be warned.

this is gonna be a 'declaration of love' of post.

(actually its just an excuse to upload cool polaroid-like pictures and procrastinate pbl work. this girl is suffering from a deadly disease where her mind just refuses to do anything related to cvs. a cure is needed before its too late. help! :[ )

and of course as always, there's the other one.

...

....

.....

......

.......

........

.........

to be continued.. : )

Funny how I feel more myself with you
Than anybody else that I ever knew
I hear it in your voice, see it in your face
You've become the memory I can't erase

You could have been anyone at all
A stranger falling out of blue
I'm so glad it was you

Wasn't in the plan not that I could see
Suddenly a miracle came to me
Safe within your arms I can say what's true
Nothing in the world I would keep from you

You could have been anyone at all
An old friend calling out of blue
I'm so glad it was you

Words can hurt you if you let them
People say them and forget them
Words can promise words can lie
But your words make me feel like I can fly

You could have been anyone at all
And let that catches me when I fall
I'm so glad it was you

- Carole King. from the OST of You've Got Mail. my personal top 5 movie : )

I dance when the stars go blue

2009-01-12T14:41:00.004+08:00

Why are you getting so upset? This is not about you. -When Harry Met Sally

nothing shocks me anymore. hmm. that was pretty random.
things going inexplicably out of control is becoming more of a norm nowadays. Not that I'm complaining.
I realized there's much I cannot share here.
Yet there is much I want to.
We human being are fickle characters.
I realized there is so much to learn. So much to discover.
You kinda realize a life on your own is not worth living.
Trivial matter and insignificance rule our lives.
We let the tiniest things determine our mood.
So what if the train's late? So what if the food sucks?
So she's annoying.
So he's an idiot.
So what?
Life goes on.
there are bigger things that matter.

its time to stop living for ourselves.

When the heart grieves over what is has lost, the spirit rejoices over what it has left.

"... Me and all my friends, we're all misunderstood..."

2008-12-30T18:39:00.003+08:00

she is loving being 19.

i love having the world at my feet
i love being able to say stupid things and not care what people think

i love acting silly

of smiling or laughing without reason.

i look forward for the 'could-be's becoming 'will-be's
what can't i achieve?
anticipation.
with all that's happened this year

i cannot wait to see what more He has in store for me. for us.
I may not like what comes my way.
But I've given him the wheel.
and I'm looking forward to the ride
:)

i love being young.

my whole life ahead of me.

i wonder though,
what's in store for the next 12 months?
12 years?
argh.
Why do I suddenly feel like I'm running out of time?

Why is it already the end of the year?!

and yet, right now I'm taking a backseat.
let tomorrow worry for itself.

there's so much more to learn, so much more to understand.
next year, a year of more growing. in patience, in love, in everything!

more of him and less of me.

19.

i am loving it.

"..One scarred hand to the other.."

2008-12-25T22:59:00.002+08:00

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son..

There is one word that describes the night he came - ordinary.

The sky was ordinary. An occasional gust stirred the leaves and chilled the air. The stars were diamonds sparkling on black velvet.

The sheep was ordinary. Some fat. Some scrawny. Common animals. No history makers. No blue-ribbon winners.

And the shepherds. Peasants they were. Smelling like sheep and looking just as woolly?

An ordinary night with ordinary sheep and ordinary shepherds. And were it not for a God who loves to hook an "extra" on the front of the ordinary, the night would have gone unnoticed. The sheep would have been forgotten and the shepherds would have slept the night away.

But God dances amidst the common!

And that night he did a waltz.

The black sky exploded with brightness. Trees that had been shadows jumped into clarity. Sheep that had been silent became a chorus of curiosity. One minute the shepherd was dead asleep, the next he was rubbing his eyes and staring into the face of an alien.

The night was ordinary no more.

The announcement went first to the shepherds. Had the angel gone to the theologians, they would have first consulted their commentaries. Had he gone to the elite, they would have looked around to see if anyone was watching.

So he went to the shepherds. Men who didn't know enough to tell God that angels don't sing to sheep and that messiahs aren't found wrapped in rags and sleeping in a feed trough.

-3:16, The numbers of hope.

The day started normal enough, with the very sleep deprived me getting of the bed she just got in to 3 hours before. It was yet to be an uneventful day with tradition. first, head to uncle's place for the whole day, doing what? hang out, eat, catch up, eat, laugh, pictures, eat, pictures, laugh, laugh and eat.

i had my job cut out for me.

and yet this year, there was new meaning to Christmas.

How would you like to be the gift instead? To really make someone's day. to bless someone. To go out of your reach. The extra mile. would you?

So I followed my dad to the prison. He had bought 60 packs of KFC for the inmates. It was Christmas and 'we shouldnt neglect family. they are our brothers, they are our sisters.' dad's words echoed in my heart as they led us into the female prison cells. Not knowing what to expect, not knowing what to say to them.. I just stood there so kaku. but remembering dad's words.. 'we are family'. The task suddenly became so easy! it was as if the holy spirit himself leading the meeting. the cold faces staring at us started breaking into smiles. names were introduced. faces forever etched in my heart. names already jotted down to remember.

You see, instead of going in there to bless them. I was blessed. Their openness. Their childlike faith! Passion in their speech. woah. i was thinking, 'mana kau mau cari nie!' what i saw in this sisters' faces were that they truly understood the meaning of his grace. his reason for coming. God loves them too. so so so much. their hugs meant so much. these sisters are loved!

I met this wonderful woman of God. not much older than me.. Chinese speaking. quiet.. BUT.. her passion for God is something I've never seen before. Sister Grace learnt to pray in BM, teach in BM, converse in the local dialect.. and even sing Malay songs! Her desire for prison work rendered me speechless.

One thing I realized, she really understood why God, unlike the world, has always chosen to identify closest with those who are isolated and broken. “For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison, and you came to visit me . . . I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:35-36, 40).

It was the best Christmas gift ever.

Selflessness.

so what if i came late for the Christmas party?

the one where she's confused

2008-12-23T22:12:00.002+08:00

yep. confused.

annoyed. frustrated. angry.

but mostly confused.

very confused.

someone shoot me now

pure bliss

2008-12-18T15:49:00.002+08:00

i forgot how much i missed the fresh air, the sound of the waves hitting the shore, the island trip, the diving.. the corals, seafood, boat trips..

but most of all, i missed the language. i missed the Sabah slang. i missed the 'pa kabar ko jo?!' and the 'bah's!

i guess most of all, i missed lazying around. by the pool or by the beach or even in the room. with a good book and good company, she's contented!

its a good day. :)

oh, you know you're in the perfectest hotel in kk when you're greeted with chocolate sculptures *drool* and bouquets of fresh flowers!

and she doesnt miss the internet at all.

hehe

"..i remembered when I stumbled.."

2008-12-13T23:39:00.003+08:00

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away - castingcrowns

I might not to be going back to kl this year after all :(

But thats not the thing's that been bugging me.

oh well.

in another note, I've been trying to make the most of this holiday.

yet, its still raining. i mean literally, its raining!

i like rain tho. i like the stars that appear appear the rain at night. the fresh air. hearing crickets singing.. something you dont get in polluted kl. yuck.

“Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain”

The rumba is a vertical expression of a horizontal wish. You have to hold her, like the skin on her thigh is your reason for living. Let her go, like your heart’s being ripped from your chest. Pull her back like you are going to have your way with her…right her on the dance floor. And then finish…like she’s ruined you for life. - Shall we dance

anyone care for a dance?

haha

"..Lalu ku reda onak duri dan lautan api.."

2008-12-09T23:54:00.007+08:00

i used to think i had the patience to be a caregiver, a doctor. hmm. to be more specific, i was certain i had the patience to work with kids.

I thought i had it in me. years in the children's ministry in church had taught me the tools of the trade. or so i thought. we used to handle kids from every age group. toddler or tween i was ready to tackle. diaper change? i can handle it. whining kid? boleh ba. crying baby? bagi seja aku. yep, i thought those years helping and teaching kids every sunday (plus all those camps? lets not even start!) was the proper training i needed. i was convinced i learnt to a better person. A patient person. I thought i've been through the worst. i was ready for anything. i thought i had all the necessary skills honed in me.

then i board the plane back home.

(me thinks its because i've not been around kids for the longest time. Since I left Sandakan I haven't really gotten the chance to work with kids. hehe.) anyway, we get to our seats and there comes 2 of the most adorable toddlers you have ever seen. you get all mushy inside and out comes the baby talk. what darlings :) *aawwww*

THEN

first came the whining. it wasnt anything out of the norm you know. it was typical baby whining that usually doesnt bother anyone else. but somehow the frequency increased. the amplitude increased as well. kenyaringan tangisan kedua-dua bayi tersebut meninggi dengan begitu sahaja.

without warning, the crying just wouldn't stop.

poor parents of both kids had everyone else in the plane staring at them. with some people even passing by giving out huge "sighs" and "aiyos".

haha.

needless to say, i felt like smacking the 2 kids. they were not babies, mind you. toddlers. 5-ish? 6-ish? i resorted to pulling the roots out of my hair instead.

all those much earned skills of nanny-ing thrown out the window. flew into the abyss of clouds. evaporated like rain water. died like flowers in the fields. UGH.

but then kan, i thought of something.

I wonder how God feels like everytime I turn into a whiny, crying baby.

my mum said the kids were probably crying because they were unfamiliar with the plane. i truly admire the parents' patience and love. :)

which got me wondering. when was the last time i was so scared of the unfamiliarity around me? when i challenged him to prove he was real? As a father he probably sat there knowing full well our destination, telling me its alright, holding tear-eyed me, still comforting me. still holding me, even with everyone else looking at us condescendingly. even when i wouldnt listen. :/

i'm glad he held on.

so now one baby is in front of me. looking at me with the depressed, forlorn look only babies are gifted with, crying very very loud.

I look at her. I smile :) I play the peekaboo game (i wonder whats the proper name for it lol) with her. she looks at me. she's gone quiet! (whhee!) is that a smile i see? *grins*

she looks at her dad again, she takes in a deep breathe (as much as her tiny lungs can take anyway..)

..and she cries.

so i'm back home. was so close to not coming back. was even closer to having a lonely christmas in vista :( but, i am home

ah, its good to be back! tis a mixed feeling of happyness and sadness really.

but to be in this tiny town, in my own bed!

"..here we go again.. my, my, how can i resist you.."

2008-12-07T15:09:00.008+08:00

so there i was, innocently sitting down watching Enchanted (for the 10000th time, yes, i am proud to admit i have developed an amazing ability in recalling every single line and every single song in it. this is what happens when you stay in a hospital room too long :/ ESPECIALLY when they've shown Enchanted in starmovie for 1 million times) with my brother & mum when I got this link while checking my mail. Its a gender analyzer and it analyzes a particular blog and tells you whether the writer is a guy or a girl. lol

soo, for the fun of it, i typed in my blog url ONLY to discover :

yes, you read right!

i write like a guy! my goodness.

i should probably add more bimbo talk.

ugh.

i'm 58% man-ish.

its quite gender neutral they say. I wonder if thats a good thing or a bad thing?

me typed in Ash's blog and they were right. she's a woman.

typed in Sabby.. and they were right as well.

my heart, it hurts.

58% man.

blek.

Giselle: Oh, it's you.
Prince Edward: Yes, it's me. And you are?
Giselle: Giselle.
Prince Edward: Oh, Giselle! We shall be married in the morning!

no fairytales for my kids in the future. i will make sure of it!

"..you're holding me now in your hands I belong, you'll never let me go.."

2008-12-06T20:26:00.005+08:00

I see your eyes,
Hold the keys to my paradise
Summer in your smile
Well it makes me feel so real so real
You tell me things
And my heart sings to the world,
From the islands in the sky
Take my hand as one we will stand
You know it's now or never
To say hello to forever

she has this sudden burst of emo-ness

she dreamt that everything ended. He came clean. He left. Once and for all.

you see, there never was an 'us'. there never was and never will be.

Its tempting to think of the could-have-beens and the what-ifs. the 'if-only' feeling.

i is disliking this feeling a lot.

Yet

My God is worth more than that.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me! Galations 2:20

Its all about him. I am reminded yet again.. its funny how something u've read over and over again your entire life still brings new meaning everytime you read it. :) the life i live.. i live by faith

Singleness is a season of our lives unmatched in its boundless opportunities for growth, learning, and service.. (J. Harris in I Kissed Dating Goodbye)

nothing makes sense anymore.

God's wisdom is foolishness in the eyes of men anyway.

muahahaha

i still hate the what-ifs and the couldve-beens. i is not liking the emotionnssss. i still feel the faithlessness at times. Oh, doubting thomas!

but this life's not my own anymore.

of that i'm sure.

and yep, this girl is gonna trust her God. She needs him. Not a guy right now. not someone to hold her. not someone to tell her how wonderful she is lol. not someone to get her through the nights. and most definitely not dia.

An undivided heart. A heart for him.

Proverbs 16:9 – “A man[woman]’s heart deviseth his[her] way:but the Lord directeth his steps”

"..A flower quickly fading.."

2008-12-06T04:10:00.005+08:00

You will journey in the direction of your heart.

Simple sentence yet defining it, nay, understanding it tis not so simple.

she's been insomniac for quite while

a symptom of a sleeping disorder characterized by persistent difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep despite the opportunity. It is typically followed by functional impairment while awake. Insomniacs have been known to complain about being unable to close their eyes or "rest their mind" for more than a few minutes at a time. (thankyouLord for wikipedia)

i admit i have not been up to form lately. falling short in a lot of things.

I wonder what he thinks of me.

dont we all?

You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around. - The Shack

"..you are my fire, my one desireeeee.."

2008-12-05T19:39:00.005+08:00

someone asked me today why this blog has been updated almost every single day.

someone even pointed out that most of my posts are not personal enough.

someone suggested i start posting more relevant stuff

someone said i should post more about what I'm doing everyday.

someone says i am not descriptive enough.

someone actually reads my blog!

haha happy happy happy me.

so, for someone, here goes..

today, I reverse parked for the first time in my entire driving life. wwhheeeee :)

today, i ate nasi lemak.

today, my brother ate nasi lemak & pizza for the first time since his operation.

today, he pooped. for the first time. muahahaha

today, i stayed put in the hospital and stole his hospital food *evil laugh*

tonight, i dont have to sleep in the hospital

today, my two cousins had sushi without me :(

today, i got wet in the rain

today i watched a Singapore vs Cambodia soccer match

today i decided my sons will never play rugby

today i'm ashamed to admit i went in facebook more than 5 times :/

today.. well, today was such an interesting day.

this is fun.

to be continued tomorrow..

tomorrow, i shall go for street feeding with Mandy :)

tomorrow i shall meet Sarah binks and Sharonnn

tomorrow i shall eat more food

tomorrow is a new day

to be continued on the next post. :)

hopefully someone is happy with this post

"..This love you've given me, unconditional.."

2008-12-04T14:53:00.006+08:00

Christmas celebration went great last night. :) unconditional love. His love is amazing. I'm amazed by you Lord.

Grace. One thing I learnt again, its not about us. Its never about us.

Was terrified to start of the evening. Feelings of anxiety, fear, panic.

thoughts of

'what if the music doesnt go well?'

'what if i sing out of tune?'

'what if i grief the holy spirit?'

'what if God is not pleased?'

'what if I do something wrong?'

Terrifying.

But this girl forgot. Somehow along the line it became a routine. It became something she felt she had to do. Something she thought she was in charge of. She thought she was stronger. She thought she knew her stuff. She knew it in her head but not in her heart. She failed to see that worshipping him is a lifestyle. She forgot that her God's love for her is unconditional. that she loves him because he first loved her. That who she is to him is more than what she can ever do for him.

She needed a reminder that his grace is always enough.

you know sometimes we know something but fail to truly understand it? thats exactly what i felt. agh

thanks for the reminder.

As long as God is happy.

Its more than enough.

i admit i dislike being vulnerable. I despise the feeling of someone else knowing I'm weak, flawed. I dont like people seeing the tears, seeing pain. But to love extravagantly, to accept correction, to receive rebuke, openness is a must. Its a journey I'm still on and Robert Frost put it perfectly when he said the road less travelled 'has made all the difference'

The road to humility. Humility in learning and growing. It has made all the difference.

Pride?

My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.

Loads more to learn. More patience, more love, more self control. AGH so so so much to learn..

a willing and open heart Lord, I want.

One thing for sure, he is has been faithful. He assembled the best and most talented worship team for last night and I was honoured to enter the holy of holies with them! to praise with them, to make a new song unto him together. :) My amazing worship team - Yih Ren, Li Teng, Fred Daniel, Kay Teck, Daniel & Elvyna. Looking forward to more practices, more praises and more worships together hehe :)

____________________________________________________________________

in another note :

anyone wanna get married? *grins*

"..I'll call, you answer and you came to my rescue.."

2008-12-03T04:16:00.003+08:00

Ever come to the point where all you can do is pray?

No bribing him

No challenging him

No angry words

With every bit of volition you can muster

With every fibre of your being so painfully hurt

Yet trying to surrender everything to him

Ever been there?

Where you feel so useless.

So overpowered it annoys you.

It angers you.

Because you can't do anything

You sit there seeing pain and guess what?

Its where all you can is pray.

Knowing that somehow he will get us through this

He is mighty to save, no?

"..Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you draw near?.."

2008-12-02T23:08:00.003+08:00

(she is typing this in Room 317, sjmc at the moment thinking how awesome it is that there is the internet..=] )

O.0

Got a text from Kuku thing #1 aka Sharon singing Aretha Franklin's song 'Freedom'. When I heard her on the phone, her voice did not hide the joy she was feeling! i could feel the perasaan lega so clearly. and I could relate.

The feeling of finishing exams now is definitely not the same feeling we went through when we finished pmr or spm. surviving and finishing university exams are more exhilarating you could say. It gives you a sense of satisfaction. (though theres ALWAYS the dread of getting results).

hmm. i'm bored talking about exams :/

i do miss my crazy cousins. Their crazy and infectious laughter. Their teasing. Sarah binks and kuku thing! i await your presence muahahah. ah to feast on sushi and curry. i wait cannot!

another kuku fella came to visit today :) he's the skinny one with curly hair. he was missed. HAHA *cough*

well, forgive this extremely random post. I'm trying hard to stay awake and its apparently not working. :/

Nathanael is doing okay today. They've got him on physiotherapy for the next 8 days then its back home to Sabah for us. Therapy's not easy. He had to walk down and up the hospital stairs today. He's getting quite used to the crutches he'll be using for the next few months. With screws screwed to his knee and painkillers that are not really working, i just wish someone could take away the pain :/ i do, really. What happened to morphine? Cocaine perhaps?

amphetamine! ephedrine! penicillin! salbutamol! carbapenem! doxycycline!

(em, these drugs have absolutely nothing to do with the previous paragraph. there was this sudden urge to shout drug names out. a very, very sudden urge. lol)

okay. she feels very very random now.

she saw him again today. yep, him.

when the sun shone, i felt his touch. when the wind blew i felt his whisper. when they smile i see him. you see, their hugs show his love for me

my family is proof of him.

my friends they reflect him.

Christmas celebration is tomorrow and the reminder comes softly again.. -'..back to the heart of worship, cos it's all about you, all about Jesus. I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it. Coz it's all about you, all about you Jesus.'

As a great man of God said before

I will not go where your presence will not be.

signing off,

tired and sleepy yet wide awake.

How am I supposed to be with no air? No air.. no air..

2008-12-01T12:45:00.004+08:00

Me baby brother's having his surgery at 3.30pm later. The Ortho surgeon came in and explained everything perfectly. The poor boy hasn't eaten since last night & its oh so tempting to taunt him about it! lol

But yes, its hard I know. I cannot imagine myself in his position.

Nathanael is strong. he is.

He's stronger than me. not physically only. but in every other aspect. also, there is no clown like him. none i tell you!

a part of our conversation today :

Me : Why are you talking to yourself?

Nael : Because I'm bored.

o.0

another snippet

Nael : Chea, top up for me credit pls.

Sha : Ady.

Nael : Fuyo. 30 ringgit ar. walau. thnk u vry much.

Sha : spend wisely. no calling girlfriend all.

Nael : Insyallah.

yet another

Nael : why must wear hospital gown?

Sha : Because its the rule!

Nael : Can wear clothes inside?

Sha : Cannot! Its not the rules!

Nael : Can wear underwear?

Sha : I dont know. I dont think so. ask the nursela. - 'excuse me, can i wear my underwear?'.

Nael : Why must take out? Why? wwwwhhhyyyyyyyy?? I dont want. what they want to see??

Sha : *bursts out laughing*

: )

okay.. well i find it amusing anyway (even if no-one else does haha).

ah the little things that amuse me.

we've been here in the hospital since 9.30am!! AGH The ortho surgeon was really nice. i wanna be as nice as him one day. : )

and and and! they might have to remove his whole meniskus.

i wonder if we can keep it.

Probably in a jar or something?

But its definitely better if they dont remove anything. Everything found there should be left there. Thanks for the prayers guys. My brother thanks you, i thank you :)

Ordinary people believe only in the possible. Extraordinary people visualize not what is possible or probable, but rather what is impossible. And by visualizing the impossible, they begin to see it as possible. - Cherie Carter-Scott

the art of losing myself

2008-12-01T00:41:00.004+08:00

i need inspiration, stimulation, aspiration!

i need more than just a feeling

i need to know for sure.

i need to hear

i need to see

i need to know its you

i don't want to stand alone on Wednesday.

i need you.

A thousand times i've failed still your mercy remains

2008-11-28T23:41:00.003+08:00

something from a devotion awhile back..

Make a joyful shout to the Lord, all you lands! —Psalm 100:1

Psalm 100 is one of the great songs of thanksgiving in the Bible. It calls us to realize that we belong to God our Maker (vv.3-4), and to praise Him for His goodness, mercy, and truth (v.5).

During a recent reading, however, I was struck by a phrase that speaks of expressing thanks in a tangible, willing way: “Serve the Lord with gladness” (v.2).

Many times my service to God is more grudging than glad. I do what I consider my duty, but I’m not happy about it.

Oswald Chambers put his finger on my unthankful attitude when he said: “The will of God is the gladdest, brightest, most bountiful thing possible to conceive, and yet some of us talk of the will of God with a terrific sigh—‘Oh well, I suppose it is the will of God,’ as if His will were the most calamitous thing that could befall us. . . . We become spiritual whiners and talk pathetically about ‘suffering the will of the Lord.’ Where is the majestic vitality and might of the Son of God about that!”

True thankfulness is more than being grateful for what we possess. It’s an attitude that permeates our relationship with the Lord so that we may serve Him with gladness and joy. —David McCasland

Then let us adore and give Him His right,

All glory and power, all wisdom and might, 

All honor and blessing, with angels above, 

And thanks never ceasing for infinite love. —Wesley

natasha is learning to give thanks..

she is learning to thank him for the littlest things.

because she's now a second year medical student,
because she is still sane,
because she is fearfully and wonderfully made,
because she is blessed beyond measure

because her family is alive and well..

she's pseudo-tired. looks tired but not really tired. hmm.

she needs sleep.

her baju-kurung hunt went well today but its to be continued soon.

she's gonna be in kl longer that she had hoped for. she wants to go home but she's glad she has her brother to bother for the next 2 weeks or so.

she definitely needs sleep now.

signing off.

## haha. just got this text.-->Dear friend, I am praying that all is well with you. 3 John 1:2

me of little faith.

Hold me in your arms, never let me go. Please, please, dont let me go.

Waiting.. waiting on the world to change.

2008-11-27T23:16:00.009+08:00

summary of today - Scandalous tattoos (AHEM), family time & shoes! heels? i like! :)

almost went out of petrol last night. dad was driving and the needle was bout 0.001mm away from the E. scary way to live dont you think? sitting at the edge of your seat, with the crazy notion that something bad is about to happen. you're just wondering when the engine exhausts every drop of petrol and just stops. there is a feeling of uneasiness. a feeling of fear even! a mixture of dread, regret & panic starts to brew.

you feel like suffocating.

your heart starts beating so fast, you wonder if an MI is not far off. and to make things worst, it rains. not the 'raindrops falling on your head' kind of rain. think horrid, painful, sharp drops of rain. the kind that hurts you when you're running for shelter. the kind that makes it so hard to drive coz you cant see anything in front of you. needless to say the mood in the car wasnt exactly a new year end's partay mood. it was more of 'make one bit of sound and i'll bite your head off' mood. i even call friends to ask where was the nearest petrol station from midvalley. such was desperation. that was me.

and yet, somehow, miraculously even, we reached the station. even with the airconditioning on, there was never the need to start pushing the car. oh the trouble i would have gone to if we had stalled! imagine pushing a car in the pouring rain! i cannot.

i wonder if its a rule parents HAVE to adhere to. Rule 101 : Love your children despite of everything they do. They can drive you crazy, they may cause massive hypertension (depression even) but no matter what YOU MUST FORGIVE THEM AND LOVE THEM.
Thank you Lord for that rule.
It is the reason I'm still alive.

ps:however, i later found out from kor woi & liling that a proton still can go quite a distance because of the spare fuel in the car. for that, i no longer think malaysian made cars are stoopid.

on a serious note, yes i realized the extent of my foolish forgetfulness. I cant believe God cares even for the little little things. There's so much bigger things happening out there. but for him to care about me. even such a minute matter.. i cannot believe it!

well,i'm in subang at the moment. my phone's gone MIA.. i shall not say that it wasnt my fault, because em, it was. and the phone story..is a long one.

anyway, staying in holiday villa tonight. nearer for us to go to sjmc for the brother's scans and more doctor visits. mum mentioned that the room we're staying in brings back lot of memories. i cannot agree more. we were just here eleven months ago yet it feels like years ago. the nights spent with aunties and cousins all crammed in one room. tho the nights were filled with dread and tears, we were together. and somehow we've made it this far.

everyone has their it-moment. that exact moment where they realize life was not all smooth sailing. that moment when we learn that we were never in control. that moment when all is shattered and you are left broken and battered. When you feel weak and useless. that moment that you wish you could just be left for dead because you just cant handle the pain anymore.

you look for the nearest exit.

you welcome the numbness. you just plain want out. that moment most of us have already gone through but yes, many may not understand because you see, you need to experience that moment yourself in order to get what i mean. for me, i cant point out exactly when my moment was. i find myself tracing a timeline of the different things that have tremendously impacted my life...

and yes, back to this room in holiday villa. memories so alive it feels like yesterday when everyone was here. aunties, uncles, cousins - family. I think i speak the truth when i say KongKong did not deserve to leave so soon. Kong, you had Chilles coming and Jessica was there. Wan and Yew was there. Your mum and dad were there. we all were there. waiting. i cannot forget the time you shared with us your dream. the one where you saw Jesus with a sniper shooting away at the cancer. we somehow believed that it was gone. that you'd be home. that you'd still be here. with the lame jokes, the teasing and such. Chilles.. we knew you wanted to see him. we knew you fought and fight well you did. did i mention earlier we learn to accept that we're never in control? its not easy. but you get through it. eventually. they miss you do you know? Kong, they do. they're stronger now. 11 months.. there is strength. there is now colour. there are smiles and genuine laughter. they are tired but they are together. they are fighting the fight. they are finishing the race. strength drawn from him.

but i wonder, can things change so easily? i hear divorce i hear pain. i hear death i hear fear. i hear of things happening that should not be happening. i hear of families breaking apart. i hear of lives scarred. is it really worth the race? is the character building worth it all? is the fight that the apostle Paul told us about amount to anything? We fight the good fight but can we really keep the faith? Can we emerge victorious? question after question..

ah, but tis such complicated nonsense natasha! why care about such headachy things. study, finish med school and work. whats so hard?

ah, you see, i discovered something a while back. and its kept me alive, its kept me sane, its kept me clinging to the cross, its kept me grounded, its kept my heart beating.

for me to live is Christ.

life without a God who loves you and cares for you is a life not worth living.

thats what I believe in anyway.

so yep, bring in the pain. bring in the tears.

i will get through this. and you know what? so will you.

'... No matter how far you are I'm near...'

2008-11-25T00:28:00.005+08:00

as much as i know that i do not know much about the universe.. i know now that this guy is just a glimpse. a peek perhaps? an example. a rough idea. of that someone else out there. I.need.to.get.that.

much to learn. much to accept. much to ignore. to grow or not to grow? to fall and cry or get right up and start again!

the unexpected happened today. He cares enough to want to see the surprise on our faces. he longs to put that smile there. He never gets bored of it! haha. my brother's in kl at the moment with yours truly. brought him to vista.. let him see for himself uni life (not that there's much of it now because its the hols lol) drove back at 12midnight with bro singing along jiwangy/crazy songs. only my brother can see me like that and still love me. he has to. its the rule. you have to tahan your sister as annoying or stupid she looks. haha but yea, we make a good pair with the right songs haha. Mum, him and I might find the hospital on Wed. he needs another check up. another chance perhaps of no surgery?

yes Lord, you can.

'..My dear, we're slowing dancing in a burning room..'

2008-11-24T00:10:00.002+08:00

i wonder how these fingers would feel entwined in yours.

just a thought.

“at the end of the day there are just some things that you can’t help but talk about. some things we just don’t want to hear, and some things we say because of the pain so great that it blocks out everything else.. makes the rest of the world fade away… until all that we can talk about is how much we hurt. how we manage our pain is up to us. for pain we anesthesize, ride it out, we embrace it, ignore it. and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is just to push through it….” - Grey’s Anatomy

'...so when you're near me darling can't you hear me.. SOS..'

2008-11-23T22:19:00.003+08:00

a million apologies for the slight absence.. This girl has been tied up with post exam activities and of course, she's loving every bit of it! hehe

first things first, she doesnt know if you guys noticed but her blog template has been changing for the past 2 days! haha. yep yep, it has and for now, the current one is staying until she has learns how to change it. for that she has her cousin to thank..

sank u sayang :)

haha. okay, well, Miel is my mum's twin's daughter. hence = cousin. for more times than I can keep count on, we've been mistaken as sisters and i dont know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing : / she's 8 this year and she blogs, people. she blogs!

okay em, thats not really true. she's not 8. but haha! i can imagine the gasps i got on that. lol.

well, I've had crazy times with this cuckoo thing. every fibre of her being is in love with korean dramas. she is gifted with the ability to imitate a korean. imagine walking randomly around orchard road and talking nonsensical rubbish. ah, the things that amuse us! haha. she's very passionate about the things she loves and its a favourite pasttime of mine to tease her mercilessly muahahaa. (yes, natasha has finally revealed her evil side) she's a rather emo kid (whats with the younger generation now?! KIDS these days!) lol with dimples anyone would kill for. oh, and she's grown up quite a bit.. gone were the Hello Kitty days and all pink themes (good riddance!). she loves her friends to bits and her gila-ness is very addictive - I kid you not! oh, and we both have intense passion for.. FOOD. AND she's willing to sit down for hours (ahem) and spend her precious holiday time finding proper templates for her wonderful cousin.. haha. sank u again dear

I could go on but I'd rather not promote my cousin anymore. haha. she's still young. still innocent. (HAHA) of course, she is still and forever will be, loved :)

well, in another note, I'm still in KL at the moment 'tho its already been 10 days since my results came out. I have yet to find enough words to express how great and real my God is.

'seems like I always fall short

of bein worthy
Cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me' - The Singing Temptations.

its been a journey.. learning about his grace. its not been easy, mind you. I've had my share of grief, pain, hurt, anger, denial but yea, its been full of ups as well. embracing the fact that she's fearfully and wonderfully made, discovering his abundant grace, mercy and love.

'..It kinda makes you wanna break into song..' - I love the whole world, The Discovery Channel

well, contrary to popular belief, I have no notion to get married anytime soon nor am I avoiding home. I'm pretty much contented in my room. with stuff to do.

Was caught up earlier this week with preparing for CF, christmas decoration (the atrium is looking very very pretty now hehe) and visiting my grandma. I had my first shot at cutting syrofoam with the special hot-wire-syrofoam-cutter-thingy. and yes, it took a bit of practice for my uber shaky hands but for now, surgery's not in my list. agh.

Realized papa gave me a family here in IMU. had crazy, crazy time with Jacelyn & Christy. laughed so much amongst snowflakes and stars. of crawling and kungfu-ing? haha. until tummy pain. yes yes, the joys of having crazy people as sisters :)

even Sabby baby. haha. someone described here in 2 words - squeaky and nice. nicely squeaky? squeakily nice? crazy crazy sis of mine. big heart. pure heart :)

For I’ve been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I’ll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal to the grace by which I stand - In Christ Alone, Brian Littrel

sudden burst of cuteness

2008-11-18T21:01:00.002+08:00

this is what kids would ask God.

so cute!

if only we were that innocent

'.. Adrift on your ocean floor, I feel weightless, numb and sore..'

2008-11-18T15:10:00.003+08:00

they went to kundasang.. without me.

'.. Some hearts, they just get all the right breaks..'

2008-11-18T01:54:00.007+08:00

she's puzzled.

it is not that out prayers are not answered, it is that we do not accept the answer.

-kosti tolonen

but. why?

When life knocks you to your knees, and it will, why get up?
If it knocks you to your knees again, as it will, well, isn't that the best position from which to pray? - Ethel Barrymore

I have no words to describe how grateful i am for a God who not only heals,
but forgives and loves me. Despite of all my shortcomings, all my mistakes, all my faithlessness, my doubts, Lord, you were still there.

Things have been weird. i feel, well, lost. today was nevertheless a good day. woke up with determination to clean the apartment (after much procrastination!) and have a bit of me time..
not much of that happening yet but yea, a week of alone time!
my housemates have left for home and the family's coming next week, hopefully.
its funny how it doesn't bother me anymore to have a plan. an itinerary?
haha. this girl's learning to live day by day.

with just. enough. light.

'... Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright...'

2008-11-17T00:15:00.009+08:00

Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet.

this is her being honest. no strings attached. no hiding di sebalik batu.

you see, she's human.

somewhere along the journey she saw him. at first she thought no more of him.

those short conversations meant nothing.

blame the exam stress, blame the sad state of IMU.

but somehow it came to

'..I don't know how you do what you do

I'm so in love with you..'

shoot me now, please.

found by you

2008-11-16T11:54:00.008+08:00

Its always been a mystery to me,
How two hearts can come together,
And love can last forever.
But now that I have found you I believe,
That a miracle has come when God sends the perfect one.
So gone are all my questions about why,
And i've never been so sure of anything in my life

Never have I been to a more emotional, more intimate, more God centered wedding.

When Shaun sang to his bride walking down that aisle at that garden,

you knew instantly that it was no ordinary wedding.

rose petals and candles illuminating the walkway; tears and laughter echoing around.

Jo, my amazing, amazing sister is married. :)

I look at them and I know our God loves us.

one thing i know, there's no need to pine and wait or look for the 'right' person.

what use is 'another half'' if we're not complete in our own God?

If our relationship with him is nonexistent?

We delight in him first. We seek him first.

Its not easy. But its do-able. With him.

'...urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory'
I Thes 2:12

why he's awesome

2008-11-15T00:28:00.004+08:00

Be still, My child, and know that I am God!
Wait thou patiently—I know the path you trod.
So falter not, nor fear, nor think to run and hide,
For I, thy hope and strength, am waiting by thy side. —Hein

Thank you, Papa.